Hello

Hello everyone at EC. My name is Stephany and im a girly girl trapped in a mans life and body. I found this wonderful site the other day and had to join. I was looking for ways to cope when I stumbled upon EC and saw how everyone was so supportive and understanding. Please bear with me as Im sure this will be a long post but if I dont empty my heart here I may never get the courage to do it again. So here goes (my heart is racing as I type this)...

I was born as a :icon_sad:male and had typical boys life growing up. I played sports ( baseball, basketball, soccer, football, wrestling, and paintball) as well as a cubscouts and boyscouts (yes I am an Eagle scout for those of you that know about scouting. I have always been a large strong guy mainly due to the amount of time spent lifting weights and running. I am the guy everyone goes to when there is heavy lifting or hard work to be done. When I graduated high school I was 6ft 220 pounds in tip top shape and had a full beard (not really the look of a girly girl). The first woman that I lost my virginity to got pregnant. I stayed with her because it was the right thing to do and at the time I still loved her. We had a second daughter 2years later. The following year we got married. I really didnt want to but again the pressure from friends and family to do the right thing and raise my family convinced me to go through with it. Now I am a father of two beautiful daughters ( 9 and 11 years old) and I wouldnt trade them for anything. I would do anything for them including lay down my life if that what it would take for then to survive as Im sure that most parents would. As for my wife... well I wont say what I really think but I am talking to a lawyer about getting a divorce. The love is long gone and all there is between us is our history together and more arguing than I care to remember. I think the only reason that she hasnt filed is that she needs me to pay the bills. As of right now I am still 6ft tall and I currently weigh 290lbs. I got up to 370 at one point when things got bad and I turned to eating to make myself feel better. I am getting back into shape (slowly). I have a wonderful job that I love as a certified mechanic for a reputable company and I have all the tools that I need to open my own shop if I was to lose my job.

Now for the reason that I am here...
Ever since I can remember I have felt like I was a girl. I love the color pink. I love love hearts, bows, ribbons, rainbows, flowers and pretty much everything "girly". I have always been very sensitive and had a hard time trying not to cry when I was unhappy. My family made me act like a boy because that was what I was and Im sure that they thought it was the best for me to grow up and be a man. For many years I repressed my girly side (what else could I do as a child?). Then one day ( I remember it vividly) when i was about 10 or 11 I had found a box of my mothers clothes from her youth that was stored in the basement. The dresses looked so pretty and all of a sudden all of those repressed feelings came to the surface. All that I could think about was why cant I wear such pretty things just because I was a boy. I was home from school and my parents werent due home for a couple hours so I decided that it couldnt hurt if I tried them on real quick to see what it felt like as I would have plenty of time to get my boy clothes back on and put the box back the way that I found it. When I put on the pink dress it fit perfectly and felt heavenly against my skin. I felt so pretty. I closed my eyes and imagined that, for the first time ever, I was a real girl. I started to cry tears of joy. For the first time in my life I felt like the real me. I wished that I could have stayed that way forever. I walked around the house and even tried on my mothers shoes. I ended up losing track of time and heard my stepdads truck pull up the driveway and I made a mad dash back to the basement to hurry up and change back before I got caught. I was always getting a spanking for the most minor things and didnt want to think what he would do if he saw me dressed like that. That day had changed the rest of my life. Whenever I got the chance ( home alone) I was dressing in womens clothes so I could be the real me at least for a little while. I always kept it hidden from everyone because of the fear of getting in trouble. My desire to dress up slowly faded as I was dating women and not to mention that it wasnt easy to get womens clothing that fit a larger man.

The last few years the desire to dress up has become stronger and stronger with each passing day. I tried to repress it but I cant. My inner girl is winning the battle. And I have been happier for it so I have been embracing it. I started poking around on the internet and I learned that there is a crossdressing / transgendered boutique about 45 minutes from my house. I finally got the courage to go in and check it out and the staff was really helpful and understanding. They actually have their own line of clothing that is tailored to fit men of most sizes. The more weight that I lose the more options of clothing become available ( talk about an incentive I have now gotten a wig and my own shoes and a couple of outfits. Im still new to makeup and learning the ropes (my appreciation has grown alot more now that I have an idea of what women go through to look as beautiful as they do). I still keep everything hidden from my wife and kids. But I dress at every oppertunity. I tried to talk to my wife about it a couple years ago but she didnt want to talk about it and said that she was appalled that I even had such thoughts of wearing womens clothes. Our marriage has been on a decline ever since that day that we talked. I would love it if she would accept it but I can understand that she doesnt and probably never will. Unfortunately I cant come out until I get divorced due to my fear of losing my children if she tells the judge about it. But one day I hope to be the real woman that is trapped in this body and life.

As for my sexual orientation.... I dont know. I love women. And wish that I could have a woman that would understand me and allow me to be who I am. But when im dressed up or just feeling girly I wish that I had a man to satisfy certain needs. I know I could make them happy / wink. Maybe if I had someone else like me that might satisfy both worlds. I have never slept with a man but the thoughts have definitely crossed my mind. I dont want to get rid of my manhood and become a full woman. Im get so confused sometimes.

Well, anyways, that is me inside and out. If you want to know more just ask. Hopefully I havnt put anyone to sleep when they read this. Thank you for letting me clean out part of my closet. I hope to meet some people that are going through the same things. I want to share and be a shoulder for others to cry on as well.

Thank you to the admin for having such a wonderful website.
And a BIG THANK YOU to Kiersten for being the first to reach out and hold my hand after joining this site. Meeting her made me alot more comfortable with who I am and gave me the courage to write this.
<3 Stephany <3

 

Hey CG, I posted a reply on your wall instead of on this thread. Im sorry but I can be such a ditz sometimes

<3 Stephany

 

To give a shorter version of the reply ( sorry for the long post on your wall CG) but that is something that Im trying to figure out. As for right now I dont want to get rid of my male part and Im fine with crossdressing as it allows me to be on the outside how I feel on the inside. There are also prostetics that I can use to look more convincing. As for being gay/ bi im not sure. I have always loved women but when Im dressed up and my inner girl comes out I cant help but fantasize about having a man treat me like a woman. I wish that I could find a woman that would accept me for who and how I am but if I was to become a woman full time I may have more feelings for men. But my bigget issue is making sure that my children are fine. Im sure that they may understand when they are older but right now I cant tell them that their big strong dad wants to be a woman. Im worried that it would screw them up for life and I dont want to be responsible for that. Id rather stay in the closet around them. Right now im confused as ever but thats why Im here.
Thank you everyone for you support and understanding. I have felt a million times better since I have opened up to all of you wonderful people and accepted myself for who I am even if I am still confused. I love all of you <3<3<3
<3 Stephany