Hi Everyone! First of all, I hope everyone had an awesome Halloween and that you all got to enjoy eating lots of candy and chocolate. I know I definitely over did it with the kit kat bars… Secondly, I just wanted to introduce myself. This is my first time being on a forum so I'm a little bit nervous as to what to expect but you all seemed really nice so I’ve decided to stop lurking and give it a try. Basically, I’m here because I’m pretty confused about my sexuality and I don’t really have anyone that I can talk to about it. My family is for the most part homophobic (especially my dad) and I don’t really have any close friends. I transferred from my previous college and am now commuting from home, so I’ve had a hard time adjusting and making friends around here. I’ve also moved around quite a lot so it’s always been hard for me to keep friends. It’s really hard for me to say as to what my sexuality is since I’ve never really had any crushes growing up. I always felt like the weirdo in my group of friends because everyone would be fawning over guys and I would just be “oh well he’s ok I guess”. I’ve also never had any crushes on any girls so that doesn’t help me either. Now I wish I could just say that I was asexual but that’s definitely not the case either. When I was younger I used to mostly think about being with guys, but occasionally I would think about being with a girl. However, it was mostly a once in a while thing that I would occasionally indulge in just to make it go away (this is literally how it thought about). But as I’ve been getting older, my fantasies have been slightly shifting and I’ve been thinking more about being with a woman and I honestly don’t like it at all. I’ve always felt kinda squeamish when I got to lesbian scenes and I thought that it was because it made me uncomfortable until I finally realized that, well, it’s that I actually get turned on by it. I realized this shortly after (ugh this feels so awkward so please excuse me when I say this) I started masturbating. I tried it by thinking about guys but... I got nothing out of it. I only thought about guys in the beginning but nothing happened so I thought masturbation was just some stupid thing people made a big deal out of for nothing. But then I suddenly had the not-so brilliant idea of fantasizing about a girl… and let’s just say the results were quite different. I never really thought anything of my occasional fantasies with women. I just always thought it was something that I had to push away (and I did) and then I would be fine again. But now I feel like I’ve suddenly lost and it makes me feel so lost. I just want all these annoying thoughts to go away. It’s been really affecting my schoolwork which worries me since I’ve always been a good student. I’ve never had any crushes on girls so I keep thinking that maybe this is something that’ll go away because surely if I did like girls, I would have had some crush right? Sigh… well anyways, I’m sorry for the super long message. It’s just I haven’t told anyone so it’s kind of a relief to let it all out. Anyways, I hope you all have a wonderful day! (or night depending on where you are)
" My family is for the most part homophobic (especially my dad) and I don’t really have any close friends." (Sorry on phone its hard to quote) I definitely feel for you here. I'm in a very similar situation with that. It adds a lot of extra stress. Hello dreamcatcher, and welcome EC! I've found the community to be really nice, regardless of the initial awkwardness involved. It takes courage to admit to yourself, let alone people, about sexual orientation questions, and you should be proud. I think my experiences can help you a little. I thought for the longest time that I was heterosexual, and I'm sure my family's discomfort with homosexuality is a large reason towards this. I found that all the girls my friends were interested in (namely, Megan Fox) just weren't attractive to me. I, also, noticed that when I (sorry to use this word) masturbated, guys would frequently become the "star" of my fantasy, not the girl I liked. I mainly want to address this (again, sorry can't really quote): " I’ve never had any crushes on girls so I keep thinking that maybe this is something that’ll go away because surely if I did like girls, I would have had some crush right?" This was my initial reaction too. But, I found that the feelings didn't subside, so it wasn't just a phase that I was going through. Although this may very well be a phase of yours, it sounds like more of a recurring pattern throughout your life (at least from what I've heard here). However, this is only your first post, so you should explore the forums and definitely not make decisions based on responses to your introduction post, but don't forget them. (*hug*) Again, welcome to Empty Closets. Please enjoy your stay :smilewave
Hey welcome to EC. I went through a similar situation to you, I had never had crushes on guys or girls and always wondered what made my friends go so goey over guys, I thought it was just because I was shy and I used to wonder when I would feel like that but eventually I started questioning my sexuality and discovered I was gay. Whilst I never intentionally ignored or repressed my attraction to girls I think I just did as I didnt realise it was there, the more I let it out, the stronger it got.
Thank you so much for the introductions everyone! I thought I was completely alone on that, silver halo, so it's nice to see I'm not the only one. And mister E- You're definitely right this is a bit of a recurring pattern. I guess I do try to ignore it for the most part but I think it's time I stopped doing that and get a better sense of who I am. Thanks for sharing your experiences, it really helps and I am very excited to get to know everyone here!
