I've been seeing a counsellor lately and he told me to try this site out. Being the amazingly open person I am, I decided to hold my tongue and tell him that it was a completely irrelevant solution to a problem that is getting more and more complex and try it out. I mean if anything perhaps someone else can share insight into my twisted world. My counsellor doesn't get me. My parents never got me. My friends don't seem to understand where I'm coming from. As for me I'm just trying to get by day by day without drowning in cell slowly filling with venom. So coming out.....yeah that sounds great. But what's the point for me really to come out to everyone. I have nothing going for me anyways. Any attempt I made at connecting with another man was a disaster. And now as the years go by I find myself getting more and more bitter with love, life, and the successes of others. I look at men all around me, attractive men, successful, goodlooking, powerful.....I hate them all. I feel like I can no longer share this planet with them. They're taking away all my resources, they're taking away all the recognition, they get all the love, they make me feel vunerable. Years ago I think hopefully that I would be one of them or share a life with one of them.....but now that hope is replaced with anger, fear, hostility and horrible pain in my soul that is consuming me. I want them to die, or I want to die. In a way years of rejection has created the monster which now dwells within my heart. With each passing year I feel that my ability to love is slowly burning out like a distant star. I'll be empty one day, only full of darkness. My light is going out. My counsellor seems to think that if I come out to my parents everything will be better. My life will somehow magically improve. Men will somehow be flocking to me. I will somehow be an amazing and sexy person, instead of the invisible man that I am now. Yes, I'll tell my parents and then I'll have two problems won't I...? No love at all really. I'd tell my parents if I actually could love you know.....I'd like to tell them one day that I fell in love with an amazing man...even if it cost me their love.....but I can't because it hasn't happened.....and with each passing year that chance becomes slimmer. Time it seems is not on my side :badgrin: . I hate watching other people find love.....I wish I could silence theirs forever....in my world we would all be lonely, for if I can't have it, why should anyone else. The monster should be everyone's burden. I hate what I've become. But I can't stop. I can't stop feeling like I'm a midget in a world full of giants. They all have an edge somehow, you all find it so easy to bind with someone else, the very thing that has eluded me for 27 years. Who will I be 3 years from now....not the person I wanted to be.....what will become of that boy who gazed up at the stars and thought of the guy he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. That boy will die. At times I feel like he died already. My parents, they think I'm just angry at them. They don't understand the pain inside of me is now consuming me. The vortex of lonliness is transforming me into someone who only speaks in one word answers. I can't help it. And many a time I don't want to try. What's the point? My friends.....they think I'm being so superficial. Maybe you should try to meet a guy first and give him a chance even if you don't find him attractive they say... Wow, they have high standards for me don't they? My own friends....thanks guys, thank you for the words of encouragement. Don't they understand that I wanted better, that I deserved to be with someone who I felt something for? I don't want to try to fake my way through a relationship. I never wanted to learn to love. Although sometimes.....I think I'm far beyond that point now. I'm transforming into a monster. And I can't stop.....no....I find that at times I don't want to stop. I want to embrace the pain, the hatred the darkness that is becoming my essence....I want to dwell within the cold walls of this icy prison, and look out at the world and think of the day it will all end. There's still a voice though somewhere with the dark labyrinth.....a small voice asking for release, praying for a hero with a golden ball of thread to rescue them from a torturous future. I need to run away from the person I'm becoming for the greater good I think. I feel this is how those beasts we read about in history are born. They can never learn to accept and love themselves and then it begins....a trail of destruction. There is a good and rationale side of me still that is fighting for the right path. So is this really the forum for me....I doubt it, but I just want the turmoil to end. N
Hey, Thundernymph. I've been where you are and there's no doubt about it, rejection hurts like a bitch. When it comes to dating and relationships, there's an absolute certainty that you will experience rejection and all the different forms it comes in, like the instrument that delivers it (the 'assbag' doing the rejecting). Whether it's that handsome man in the bar that you approached, or whether it was your boyfriend whom you discovered was giving more than the satisfactory service required of him... rejection hurts. In some cases, rejection hurts so much, that it causes serious emotional issues that can lead to depression, anxiety, and a fear of dating and relationships, like what you're going through now and much like I did a few years back. One of the most common responses to rejection is anger. Sometimes when people are rejected in a relationship, they become borderline insane with anger. This anger must be dealt with in a proper manner, else it will consume you and destroy your life. And in all seriousness, it doesn't necessarily have to be this way. You can learn how to deal with rejection, accept it, and move on. If you could look at it for what it is, it might make more sense, however one thing is for sure - it won't make it any less painful. However, like all wounds, the pain that occurs from rejection will heal in time. The key is to move on, and not let the rejection rob you of your future joy and happiness. Accepting the fact that rejection is a part of any relationship, especially one that is over, can help you prepare yourself for the next romantic endeavor in your life. Yes, you may need time to heal and mend your wounds before you're ready for the next relationship, but don't give up. Don't become angry, bitter, or build up defenses to protect yourself from possible future rejection. Those who do, never find their happiness. Your dream relationship may be just around the corner, keep the walls down and the door open and let happiness walk in... I know this may sound like a risk to you, but what is life without risk, the chance to experience, to live? ... the point is for you to come out, and in doing so feel more comfortable with who you are by not living that pseudo-life anymore. You can be free to express yourself for who you are. You won't be burdened by maintaining a facade and to just simply brush off certain topics just because you're trying to fit in. You shouldn't come out to please someone else... you should come out for You. Make yourself happy first, before even considering to do the same for someone else. If you aren't happy with yourself and what your life is, it'd cause so many instabilities in the relationships you form. Start with yourself. I assume you've identified your sexuality and that you've accepted that you are gay already, by what you've written about connecting with another man, so the next step would be to come out when YOU are ready to. It can be never, it can be right this very minute... it's up to you. It doesn't have to be 'everyone', just those you are comfortable with knowing about YOU. Hope all goes well for you, Thundernymph, I really do. AM.
well the fact you signed up to the site proves some part of you wants to be here and wants to get help. your Counsellor may have suggested this site but he did not hold you down and force you to join our community. you have some seriously complex problems, and it seems you've lost all faith in humanity. I've been in the same position so I understand. I've felt the whole world was against me, that I wasn't good enough for anyone or anything, I've had and often still have severe anxiety problems which cause me to believe everyone in talking about me and judging me, but in reality, most people just want to help. you seem so set on falling in love, but you won't settle for anything less than what you imagine as perfect. so wait! it''s okay to be single it doesn't make you any less of a man and you ARE loved. you have friends (who i don't think were trying to put you down with their comments I think they thought they were helping) and friendship is alot more important in this world. as for your parents, you say they don't understand you. maybe that is because you seen reluctant to speak to them. even if it isn't coming out, tell them how you are feeling. suffering through depression on your own is only going to make you worse. I think that is the reason your counsellor suggested us here. community support. people who are in the same boat, who can understand and most importantly someone to listen to you and to help you as best they can. if you still don't think you belong here that's your choice but sometimes getting support from outside your own social group can really help and i'm here to talk whenever you need. also you should consider writing a blog on how you feel. I keep my own blog and I fin it very therapeutic. I really hope life gets better for you. thinking of you x
Hi N, Coming out isn't about feeling amazingly sexy. It's about accepting yourself: who you are and your identity as a person. Once, I was like you. I was deeply jealous of all the guys and girls I knew who had girlfriends and boyfriends. But as jakeystar said, just because you're single doesn't make you any less of a man. Your time will come and you will find that someone who was made to love you. It's a cliche, but good things really do come to those who wait. That long process of waiting might even make you cherish even more the people you know right now, the opportunities you have and the things you value. You are precious. Your friends are precious. Life is precious. Never forget that. If you don't think there's anyone who relates to you and understands what you're going through, try keeping a diary for a week. Somewhere you can let all your thoughts out instead of bottling them up. If that helps, keep going. But believe me, there will be someone who understands. You only have to look and reach out. (I write poems as my therapy.) Talk to us on EC. We'll hear you out. (*hug*) If you need to, feel free to write on my wall. Hope this helps. Best, Doctor Faustus.
Is this the forum for you? I guess that remains to be seen. I know none of us - least of all me - can solve your problems with a few well-chosen bon mots. That's not how these things work. We give suggestions, advice, insight, opinions. And then you decide what to do from that point. I'm actually in agreement with you to some degree. I don't see the major issue on reading your post to be "I'm not out to my parents". I guess that could be AN issue, and maybe it's the easiest issue to get beyond. But I don't think that's the same thing as being the main issue. The one thing that stands out from your post is...well, it's hard to put into words. It seems you've sort of set yourself apart from the rest of humanity. They're all adversaries. You are attempting to "beat them" at....life, I guess. So every time something positive happens to anybody else, it's like a blow against you. Which probably explains why you feel so deep. I mean, good stuff happens to people on a fairly regular basis. People get jobs, people get into relationships, people earn recognition, etc etc. I guess I'm wondering about that mindset. How you got into, and if there's a way out of it. I guess it isn't too surprising that you're having issues getting into a relationship with anybody, because it seems you all guys as potential enemies. Either they're unattractive (and presumably wouldn't help your "score" anyway), or they're one of those hot guys that get all the good stuff, and presumably aren't interested in you. I guess I'm more like most people. God knows people around me get "good things" happening to them all the time. And it's not like God graced me with stunning good looks and a succession of hot guys to choose from. But I'm quite content with what I have. Even when I was single, I was happy when friends managed to get into happy relationships (because in every case, it was with somebody with whom I definitely wouldn't have had a good relationship), and when they got good jobs or other recognitions, I was always happy for them then, too. Yeah, I can get jealous to some degree - it'd be nice to have my friend's high six-figure job and adoration, I'm sure - but that doesn't mean I dislike him because of it. He's a good egg, and he deserves it at least as much as me. I'm not sure what led you into this mindset, or if there's an easy (or difficult) way out of it. But I'm thinking that's probably the most important thing to figure out first. Lex
Just gotta turn your life around man. 27, it's never too late. Fnd what you really want to do and push that as far as it can go. There's some people who never quite make it until their thirties or forties. It's okay to be jealous, but try to spin that into some motivation and go score what you always wanted.
