*insert awesome title here*

I couldn't think of an awesome enough title. So I simply gave up. :lol:

Bit of a late introduction, but I've read quite a few introduction threads today, and I'm feeling left out. This might be really long, and I apologise for that. But here goes... Hi! You guys can call me Ray.

I'd never really considered the possibility that I might swing both ways, until a few months ago. At first, I ignored it. But after a little while, I decided to explore these feelings a bit more. I've never been with a girl, but I have been at least physically attracted to quite a few girls over the years, (I just didn't realise it before). Eventually, I came to the conclusion that I might be bisexual, but leaning towards guys, for the moment. I don't really care for labels though, so basically, I'm just gonna go with the flow. Yeah, it's scary, but after joining EC and reading all your stories, I really feel so much better about myself.

Now, here's the catch. I have a boyfriend, we've been dating for nearly a year now, and we were best friends for quite a while before that. I love him, I really do. He's a great guy. He is generally a very accepting person, and when we discussed LGBT issues before, he said that he would be 100% supportive if one of his friends came out to him.

Hah. I wish. Like I said, he's my best friend, and I felt comfortable enough to tell him anything. So, when I accepted that I might be bisexual, I decided to tell him first. About 2 and a half months ago, I told him that I was questioning my sexuality and that I might be bisexual... Oops, bad idea. He completely flipped out, and said the most horrible things. I have never cried so much in my life. He asked me why I hadn't told him before, to which I replied that I hadn't realised it before, and had only just fully accepted it. How could I tell him if I didn't know it myself? He became paranoid that I was going to leave him for a girl. I understand where he was coming from, but honestly. 9 months and I hadn't even considered leaving him for a guy, so why would I suddenly leave him for a girl? I told him that this didn't need to affect our relationship at all, and that I hadn't changed. I told him I loved him, and that I wasn't going to leave him, because I was happy being his girlfriend, and I definitely wasn't crushing on any girls. This is just a part of who I am. He didn't understand.

Right after that conversation, I was quite upset. I obviously couldn't hide it from my mom, so I told her the story. I've posted it here before, you might recognise it:

Me: "I think I'm bisexual."
Mom: "Oh, that's perfectly normal. In my next life, I'm moving in with a woman. It's gonna make everything so much easier."

She made me feel so much better. Nothing can shock her, really. :lol:

Back to the boyfriend. He continued to freak out for the next week or so: crying, throwing up, not sleeping. I admit, it scared me. I didn't want to lose him. But, I figured that if I gave him some time, he would learn to accept it. He kept apologising to me, for reacting in that way. He just kept saying over and over, "I don't know what's going on with me. I'm sorry! This is freaking me out! How could you tell me this now, without any warning? Are you sure you're bisexual?" Stuff like that.

And then, the final blow: he said he didn't know whether he could still be with me.

The thought of losing him... I couldn't take it. So, a few days later, I took the easy way out, and told him that I wasn't bisexual after all. That I had done some more thinking, and realised that I was straight. Yup. You can bet he was relieved. I, on the other hand, hated myself for it. But he was so important to me, I didn't want to risk ruining everything we had. So I stopped logging on to EC, and ignored any thoughts I had about being bisexual.

Too bad my brain doesn't listen to my heart. The thoughts came back, and this time, I'm just keeping them to myself. I know I shouldn't have denied who I am. I know that now, everything will be so much harder, if I ever decide to tell him again. And I know I probably should have given him some more time to get used to the idea. He's a very emotional kid, and I know he only said most of those things because he was in shock. But at the time, I was scared. I didn't know what else to do. It all happened so quickly.

Anyway, my mom has continued to support me through everything. (*hug*) Yeah, my relationship with my boyfriend has taken a huge knock, and I'm not sure if I can ever trust him as much as I used to. He hurt me, a lot. I know he was in shock, but honestly, I saw a side of him that I didn't know existed. And I don't like it.

I don't think I'll be telling anybody else just yet, especially not my uber-religious family. (Yikes. That's a scary thought.) But I'm okay with that. I'm happy just discovering myself at my own pace, in my own way.

I'm so glad that I found you guys, though. You've been the world of help to me. Thank you so much!!! (&&&)

Sorry that this was so long, I didn't plan on saying so much when I started. But this is the first time I've let it all out, and it feels good. So thanks for listening.

 

Don't worry, Aeon, I don't bite... much.

Thank you so much, guys! I might actually write a letter, Doctor Faustus, even if it's only for myself, to help clear my own head. (*hug*)