I'm a 30-something female. I married an amazing man who I've been with for 12 years. We have a house. We have an amazing relationship. We have plans. And I hope we have a future together. When we were dating I told him I have feelings for women and it was no big deal to him. We discuss women we find attractive regularly, and he's not looking for a three-some like some men would. But, underneath this great life we have built is a lot of pain that he's not fully aware of. The pain is content to stay just below the surface for most of the year, but around the holidays it always surfaces. In fact, at Thanksgiving, I broke down with my Mom about how much I hate Christmas. Both she and my husband are confused about why this effects me so much. In every other aspect of my life I'm very well controlled and unemotional. I take after my father that way. And it's funny how you can see how out of control you are about something like this, but it takes time to fully understand it. I can only say that I was picked on by one side of my family a lot as a child. I was very shy, they are boisterous and unmercifully tease each other. This hurt me a lot as a child. I felt I didn't fit in. Well, I really didn't fit in. All of their teasing hurt so much that I'd run it over and over in my head. If I was teased about being a sloppy eater, the next time I tried my best to eat carefully and cleanly to avoid being a target again. If I was teased for hiding in the closet (yes, literally), the next time I'd try to find excuses to walk to the car for some peace and quiet, etc. So, I think I learned early on to put up a facade, fade into the background, hide anything that made me stand out. And to this day right up until Christmas I run through whatever was said last year and look for ways to avoid standing out and getting teased again. I'm forever hiding myself, trying to fit in, but after 30 years I think I've finally come to the conclusion that it's not working. There's always something to get teased about. And the pain of hiding is much greater than the sting of their words. Thinking of this, I read a book yesterday on coming out. Just picking it up was a big step for me. I've been making excuses for myself for a long time about how I was just making the gayness up because I should have come out by now if I really was gay. Or because I've never actually slept with a woman, etc. The author came out in her 40's which was eye-opening. In truth, I've been seriously thinking about coming out for the last 3 years or so. The upside for me is that my Mom and I talk at length about gay rights all the time (maybe she suspects it?) and she's very supportive. She knows gay people, she has said she's got no problem with that. So, I don't expect to be disowned or anything. I am bracing, however, for disappointment. Then there's the questions about my being married and how that works. ...and that's where I get tripped up and wimp out. I currently identify (to myself) as being bisexual. But, the truth is that I've never had one satisfying sexual relationship with a male and when I'm alone I think only of females. So, I'm scared that my bisexuality is a lie. In fact, in writing that I kinda know it's a lie. But fully admitting that means my marriage is a lie and I really do love my husband (just in a non-sexual way). I just don't want to give up this part of my life, so I get stuck here. And I don't think I'm just afraid of starting over. He and I really do have a deep and meaningful relationship, we've been long-distance for the last year and there's no doubt that I miss him greatly. So, I'm scared. I'm sure that's not unusual. But, I'm stuck between the what if's and worry of my relationship with my husband and the constant battle in my head whenever visiting family, or friends of my husband who make homophobic remarks or drool over lesbian acquaintances while I sit quietly and hope for a subject change and/or fear being found out. ...it just doesn't seem worth driving myself crazy over anymore and that's why I'm here.
Hi CameraShy, welcome to EC! :smilewave I'm also new, and new to definitively considering myself as completely straight. I'm going through something similar as well, and I've been reading a few threads (http://emptyclosets.com/forum/support-advice/53901-how-do-other-bisexuals-deal-monogamy.html and http://emptyclosets.com/forum/support-advice/53916-question-bi-people.html) in the Support/Advice section on bisexuality that have helped a bit. Maybe those address some of what you've been struggling with? On the other hand, you say you've never really enjoyed sex with guys, and you fantasize almost exclusively about girls. Of course, it could be that youre bi and just desiring what you cant hve right now, but it sounds like your real interest at least recently is in women specifically. My advice would be this: try to stop thinking about being bisexual or gay as something that you shouldnt be (because its too late, because you haevnt had the real-life experience, etc). Give yourself the time and permission to fantasize about whoever you want in whatever context for as long as you need to. I myself am just now learning not to jump to conclusions about sexuality based on what I feel, or want to feel, at any given moment. Hope this was helpful in some way
I've thought about this before, that it may be a grass is greener thing. All I can say is that I've felt this way for over 15 years now. But maybe you are right and I don't have the authority to say I enjoy something that I've never actually experienced.
