Another dysphoric crisis in a dystopic culture.

Very cynical sounding message probably. Sorry. Its likely my fault for not trying to reach out to positive people sooner in my life. I have succumbed to my confusion and denial and have become a bit of an escapist loner over the years. Probably why I care more about Houdini's upcoming birthday (March 24) than St. Patrick's celebrations right now, although my escapism isn't as showy (or dangerous) as his was.

Enough negativity, I am full of it. What is positive in my life? I have a good and stable job with lots of room for promotions, I just bought a caravan (mobile home) and am comfortably settled in it, with great neighbors, I have an amazing girlfriend whom I live with, I should be happy as a clam. All of that didn't just come to me. I went through 3 years of therapy to be able to manage all of these things and my financial independence.

The first thing I asked that therapist for 3 years ago was help with my gender dysphoria. This surpassed her education and training unfortunately, but she was able to help me immensely with who I am as a person, my anxiety and self-confidence, among other things. I would recommend her to anyone still. I thought she had even "cured" me of my gender issues, even thought she was not able to address it, at all, and said very little about it, positive or negative.

So here I am, all comfy in a new place, with a truly excellent woman whom I have been with for almost 3 years, with prospects of becoming an attorney. Why NOW do my insides start screaming at me, louder than ever, to do something about being less male and becoming female.

I have contacted a few people here in PMs but my girlfriend suggested I go "public" in the forums here, and meet people to talk this through.

I have always had these feelings, always had periods in my life where I would be all the woman I could be, in private, I have been training my voice periodically throughout my life, and I am still thin, luckily, I need to get tone though, like someone from here told me in a PM. I keep slipping back into denial and suppressing these feelings though.

I am looking to go to 2 more thearpists soon. One (a male) to address my issues with men, to eliminate the possibility that I may be a self-hating male due to abuse from men in my life, and another to talk about gender dysphoria with (I would prefer that one be a woman). I think I have reached the limits of my current therapist after 3 years.

Then will go to an MD I know who can start the hormone treatment, I would prefer to involve as few pharmaceuticals and surgeries as possible.

I had better stop now or this will be even longer.

Thank you for reading.

"Auphiel"

 

Thank you everyone.

Yes. My girlfriend will stay with me and has been helping me greatly. We are somewhat close in size from the waist down anyway and have been getting new clothes to share. She helps me in the areas of the stores that I'm still to shy to visit by myself. I am getting more courage though every time we shop together. It's funny. When I started all of this I got the impression that she was thinking "what took you so long." Like she knew this was coming. Needless to say the kinsey scale works in our favor too.

Thanks again. It is nice to have found a place like this. I also found another forum and met a couple of people from other places. I am slowly coming out of my shell I think.