Good Afternoon.. ^_^

(!)

Heh. Peanut butter jelly time.

Anywho.. Hi. My name is Deremna or Remna for short. I am 27 years old and I am a native to Las Vegas, NV. I have been doing a whole bunch of soul searching lately as well as enrolling in therapy so this seemed like the next logical step: joining a forum where people can relate to my story (hopefully). I wrote a book on another site earlier so I'll try to keep this as brief as possible.

I've spent pretty much my life past 13 battling depression and anxiety but was never quite sure why. I have also been single for maybe a combined 6 months since then as well. (all hetero relationships) I have been diagnosed as having major depressive disorder and bipolar II in the past but no medications work. So, I made an appointment with a normal psychologist so they wouldn't try to throw meds at me again. After about 30 minutes of me talking to her, she said two things that really hit home.:
1. You might want to think about being single for awhile because I don't think you've really gotten to know yourself because you're always making yourself what your boyfriend needs.
2. I think you may be gayer than you think you are.

Now. I myself have thought those things for some time. The problem is, I never had the courage to go after girls when I was younger because, quite frankly, they scared the piss out of me. Getting rejected by a guy? Fine, whatever. Girl rejection? Hell, I had a hard enough time dealing with fighting with my female friends. So, I pushed it aside and chalked it up to "just haven't found the right guy yet". Aside from a drunken 14 year old incident with my best friend, I hadn't done anything sexual with a woman and I thought, hmmm, well, my mass amounts of lesbian porn and such doesn't really mean anything. It's just, like, a fetish or something. But last November, my boyfriend of 6 years finally agreed to try a threesome. Not only was I "amazing" at making love to a girl but I freaking loved it. I am generally repulsed by sex in my relationships so this confused me. It takes all the whining in the world for my boyfriend to get oral out of me but my female friend practically had to fight me off of her, ha.

But probably the most changing experience is an emotional one. Almost exactly a year ago, I went to an event in town called Japan Nite. Five Japanese bands were playing at a venue and as I love everything Japanese, I went. While waiting for my bestie outside, I the clouds parted and revealed to me a Shinto goddess come to life. She was just standing there, smoking a cigarette, looking at me inquisitively. Three sets later I would learn her name was Youkaku and she was guitarist of Hystoic Vein. I could not keep my eyes off of her for the rest of the night. She was the single most beautiful creature I had ever seen in my LIFE. Every nerve in my body ached to be near her. Every bit of my soul was begging for her to tell me to drop everything and go back to Japan with her. Obviously, that didn't happen. I merely got an autograph and a picture with her. Over the course of the next year, I would do paintings of the band and her in particular. I would find out Hystoic Vein disbanded but that she, the drummer, and the bassist would form ZZZ's..

Last month, I found out over Facebook that the ZZZ's would be back in the Japan Nite line up and that they were once again returning to my fair city. YESSSS!!!! I paint three trading card sized paintings for each of them. Come the night of the show, I am outside smoking when the other members, Yukary and Lyn are outside smoking. I give them their paintings as well as Youkaku's. They remember my name. Ten minutes later, Youkaku wanders out. After about 10 minutes of badgering, I finally get up to say hi. She remembers me and tells me that she has my painting in her wallet. I fall in love all over again. I am completely hypnotized by this woman. They go on to play four more shows in town and I go to every, single one with my boyfriend in tow. I feel bad because my attention is completely on her. Over the course of the shows, I gradually build up more courage. I have conversations with her despite the language barrier and find out she's just as awesome as she is beautiful. I give her and the band much larger paintings I had only intended to have them autograph. I tell her she's beautiful and she tells me I am, too. The most important incident came Monday, the last show they did. I hugged her goodbye and she did not let go of me for a good ten seconds. Best ten seconds of my life. I didn't want it to end. I smelled like leather, sweat, and her baby powder-esque perfume. At this point, I would've done anything to have enough money to hop on a plane to Japan and leave everything else behind.

I realized at that point, it wasn't just obsessed fandom. These ladies considered me a friend, they told me so. Youkaku sincerely said she'd miss me. She told me to use her pick to play my guitar and we'd jam next year. I've never felt the depth of these feelings for a man in my life. I have tried, tried so hard because my boyfriend is awesome and I love him but.. This woman lights me up from head to toe, from heart to, well, you know.. Currently in the process of breaking it to my boyfriend as we have a house and animals together, it's very hard to do. I tried last year and failed miserably so I am really reaching into the pit of my soul for strength this time.

Thank you if you made it through this. 27 seems late to realize this about myself but better late than never, eh?

 

Thank you, everyone!

...Squirtle made me feel a little better, too. Heh.