Hey Guys - Lost & Confused

[chesk]

Hey Guys!!

My name is Benj, and whilst searching the internet for insight, I stumbled across this website which I hope will help me figure out whether im straight or gay once and for all!!

Basically, I have been questioning myself for a few years now, especially after finishing high school and starting university. Its now at a point where i think about it every day, and the emotions are bottling up inside are starting to really hurt.

Looking at myself (now 21), I never had any relationships in high school. This would have been also brought about that I was rather shy at the time, slightly obese, and was very self conscience. I was slightly jealous of some of my friends having girlfriends, though was really never serious/ and was too shy, to find myself a partner. I didn't really look at either guys or girls in a sexual manner. Again this could have been linked to my low self esteem at the time.

After beginning university, I found myself become much more outgoing and sociable, with me loosing weight and starting to come out of my shell. I became more confident, and started going out more.
Probably my second year of university I started to think about it more, after a few of my high school mates came out , and my other mates were starting to seek girlfriends. It was at this point I felt my life changing, with my friends starting to do their own things, while me having no one.

Today when Im out and about, I tend to look at guys (which I think look nice) when walking past, or even when with a conversation with another person. I still think some girls are beautiful, though I do not look at girls in the same way. That being said and me working in retail, I find that i am rarely am intimidated by girls, though when i am serving a hot guy, I can become lost for words.

I think my greatest problems are that I have never had a women relationship, and me not having a close best friend.
With me not having a women relationship, I am not sure what emotions I could expect to receive from being in such a relationship, and whether or not I would like it.
In relation to my best friend, in early high school I gained a new best friend. In the first few years of high school we used to do everything together; go out bowling, movies, sleep overs, ect. I knew at the time he was hot, and must admit I did look at his bulge sometimes when he sat down. Curious or wanting it...I do not know! At the time though I dont think I wanted to have sex with him (with me being self conscience about my penis size and whether it was small/big ect).
After later high school, we moved into different groups of friends, and we started to become distant. We still saw each other though less frequently, and started to struggle to find things to talk about. The friendship ended 1st year uni, with both of us doing different degrees, and him deleting me and a bunch of others on facebook.
Me not having a best friend anymore to share my experiences and emotions with (i feel slightly outcast with my current friends), I am unsure whether or not I am gay or just craving another close friendship with a guy, like I had before.

That feels good to get off my chest.... though I am now at a point where my friends kind of think Im gay (slightly feminine), and would not like to 'come out' unless I am 100% sure as I know doing so would be life changing for myself and effect the people around me (their thoughts at least).
Like others I have imagined the whole get a job, married, kids (maybe), and someone to share my life with. I would also tend to believe it would be much harder to find a normal guy than a normal girl to spend your life with. In my short experience of looking at gay guys in my area, they seem slutty, horny and up for a one night stand only. Thats not me, and I need to build on a relationship first (I have high standards :/ ).

I also have the problem that I am catholic, and though these days I rarely go to church, I still believe in it (mostly). Pretty much homosexuality is prohibited, and I am kind of scared that i will go to hell. I know its quiet bizarre, and no one knows if the afterlife exists, though living forever in hell sounds horrible. Again I know this sounds crazy (and i assure you im not), its still something I need to consider.

So I am now at a point where I am feeling lost, depressed, and no one to talk to about my emotions. As I have no real good friends, I am at a point where I want to start looking though am not sure which direction.

If someone could provide insight to my problem, what they think, and the approach I should take to finding out my true self that would be greatly appreciated.

I also must say that I have a few gay friends and have hanged out with them before. Its been fun, though they do seem slutty, and i find the whole club scene overwhelming/ kind of gross.

Thanks Guys!

Benj

[Artemicion]

Hello and welcome to EC! Don't have much advice to give right now...as its really late for me here.

[Ethan]

Heyo, welcome to EC!

[silverhalo]

Hey welcome to EC.

[asianmannheim]

Hi Benj!

Just like you, I'm new in this site and still hiding my true gender against society.Yet, now I feel that I need to find someone to share some thoughts. I have to say that I'm glad you are now becoming social and having some gay friends. It's better to find someone in similar situation to talk rather than tormenting yourself in your very own room. I see my image in you although I haven't been social like you are now. but I will soon. I can't stand if I could keep my secret inside for a long time. I need to reveal it, not broadly but tend to go some where to find gay friends.
About religion, I know that everybody needs a place for belief and religion is the nicest place. However, belief is something abstract and your life is concrete. I don't believe that being gay is a crime. We don't choose to be gays but life makes us so. Therefore, how religion can punish what is not caused by us. I still believe in my religion and still feel guilty sometimes for being gay. However, I believe that if you live in good manners toward people. Everything will be ok.

I will write a quite long introduction like yours soon and am looking forward for your sharing thoughts to what happened to my life.

Cheers!

[alex2020]

Bienvenue!

[thecat06]

Hello and Welcome!!

[Zapha]

Hey,

I just read your story and I have so much in common with you… it was nice to know that I’m not all alone XD I was self conscious in high-school, I’m catholic also, haven’t had a girlfriend before… and I’ve also found that the majority of gay guys around our age like to sleep around a lot, and I’m not that type of person. For me, it’s definitely been an uphill battle.

As for me, I ended up realizing that I am really attracted to guys far more than girls, and so I realised that I was gay. I think in the end you just have to be honest with yourself – only you can give yourself the answer. I was also lucky enough to blessed to have opportunity to be in a relationship with a really nice guy – down to earth, hard working, not a bitch, which allowed me to see that it is possible to have a normal and loving relationship with the right guy. I realised that I was happy being gay.

As for my religion, I’ve had to reconcile my faith with my beliefs. I’ve always felt God’s presence in my life, and I find it hard to believe that I am doing anything wrong by simply being who I am. It’s not like I’m hurting anyone, and I’m not promiscuous or anything.

For me, it's definitely been an uphill battle - coming to terms with everything has been hard. But I hope you manage to work things out, and try not to bottle things inside – talking to someone can be amazingly therapeutic

[Aeon Magus]

Hello, Benj, and welcome to EC.

[chesk]

Hey guys. Sorry for the lag in reply. I have had a lot going on with my life at the moment! I would like to thank all if you for making me feel welcome!

Asianmannheim - Thank you for your response. In regards to religion, I think you are right! The way I try and look at it is that I believe in God and love him, though we all take bits from religion what we think apply to us ( we don't take it word for word). I'll still be a good person, and live life honestly, and believe he will forgive if i do have a gay relationship if it is what I truely want!
Again I stress I'm not crazy religious, though it's just one of those things I need to have put to rest in the back of my mind, as religion was something I grew up with!

---------- Post added 6th Apr 2012 at 09:42 PM ----------

Zapha, its great to see that someone has been through a similar case as myself. I'm happy to see you have someone genuinely special, and that I do also if I do/ when I come to the realization that I am actually gay.

Again if anyone has any past experience or any advice on how to come to the realization that I am gay it would be greatly appreciated.
I know there isn't just 1 blanket way to know, but by sharing your experiences it gives me the opportunity to think of the issue in another mindset! Thanks again!

[Farouche]

Originally Posted by chesk

Asianmannheim - Thank you for your response. In regards to religion, I think you are right! The way I try and look at it is that I believe in God and love him, though we all take bits from religion what we think apply to us ( we don't take it word for word). I'll still be a good person, and live life honestly, and believe he will forgive if i do have a gay relationship if it is what I truely want!
Again I stress I'm not crazy religious, though it's just one of those things I need to have put to rest in the back of my mind, as religion was something I grew up with!

You don't have to be "forgiven" for having a relationship, gay or otherwise. It's not like it's wrong or anything. I mean, as long as you're being sensible and honest with your partner.

There are lots of different religions out there, and not all of them condemn homosexuality. I personally think the Catholic religion is rather strict, and you might be better off with a more relaxed version of Christianity or some other religion.
I'm not spiritual at all myself, but in case you want my advice, here it is: Religion is private, and no one has a right to tell you what to think. It's about what you choose to believe, and not what your mom, your guru, your priest or your neighbours think.

[Vesper]

to EC, chesk!

Originally Posted by chesk

Looking at myself (now 21), I never had any relationships in high school. This would have been also brought about that I was rather shy at the time, slightly obese, and was very self conscience. I was slightly jealous of some of my friends having girlfriends, though was really never serious/ and was too shy, to find myself a partner. I didn't really look at either guys or girls in a sexual manner. Again this could have been linked to my low self esteem at the time.

This pretty much summed up what high school was like for me.

See you around!

[chesk]

Originally Posted by Chouchou

to EC, chesk!

This pretty much summed up what high school was like for me.

See you around!

Chouchou, I am glad I am not the only one who grew up in such a situation! My highschool years sucked because of this, and as a result it has been hard to keep high school friends and i supposed to some extent has effected me making new friends.

If you need to talk , pm me! Im always happy to listen to anyone!!