Ha just joined the site today easter sunday. Its funny how i just came out to a friend about a month ago and she was the only person i have ever told and now im about to go hang out with all my aunts uncles and cousins who have no idea so i figure i need to tell some other people even if you are all complete strangers. You are most likely complete strangers that have more in common with me than my own twin but i digress.Hello my name is Andrew and i am a 22 year old gay college student who was finally able to admit it to himself this year hoo ray! This process has been so draining i cant begin to explain how tough its been, but ever since i told someone i have felt worlds better. I still have my bad days and i currently cant drink alcohol because i have realized that in sends me spiraling into self depression which i no longer like to wallow in. My whole life was built on an identity that i was false and i realize that i was just trying to cover up who i actually was to everyone else because i was ashamed. I grew up in a small mountain town in colorado and believe me their wasn't a good gay role model their only a few creeps and some of the criminal kind this is what probably caused me to stay closeted for so long. A small town where everyone knows everything about everyone else didn't help either it was terrifying. I began my quest to wait out my gayness and i can say that now it feels like if i continue this i will never love or be loved by anyone. So im taking baby steps now not to fast not to slow and i apologize if im rambling cause it feels great to write down these thoughts! Another inhibitor of my gay self coming out is how different i feel than and appear than the visible gays that i can spot. I am by no means flamboyent allothogh i can say i did enjoy rocking the fau hawk last semester until i got drunk and shaved it off cause i thought it made me look gay :tears: I played basketball and football in high school i love sports although looking back on it when i was little i hated them with a passion so maybe my love for them comes from my forced blending for survival but anyways i love them now and can say my dream date with a guy would be going to a broncos game and being able to be open and hold hands and cheer for out team!!! My realization of being able to admit i was gay came around december of 2011 when i best friend got a girlfriend. Now the background on that was he and i have been inseparable since about we were 15. He's my best friend and i would do anything for him and vis versa. He has had girlfriends before and of course i haven't because my philosophy apparently had been drink your self into unconsciousness so you cant even get to the sleeping with stage therefore avoiding the awkwardness of me not being attracted to them. (i realize now this is not a healthy habit and im trying to stop) So anyway this time i guess when he brought his girlfriend around i would feel intense jealosy although i didn't see it that way at the time so it was very confusing for me. Then one day he came to me and said how my hating his girlfriend was so hard on him and all he wanted was for his girlfriend and bestfriend to get along and how if the roles were reversed he would love my girlfriend no matter what. And then it hit me. Im gay. I mean i have thought this before but i always thought it was a phase i would get threw and once the perfect girl came along she would sweep me off my feet and we would live happily ever after. Then Bang this thought is gone and my life has been upended. His words struck so deeply and it hurt more knowing he was right and i was so ashamed i couldn't give him what he deserved. The next three months were the hardest of my life. It was a constant struggle to even move. Nothing was the same food didnt taste good, i couldn't laugh no matter how funny something was, anything i used to like to do brought no joy to me which was enraging because what i needed was an escape. I started chain smoking pot because i realized this allowed my mind not to dwell on my homosexuality which i viewed at the time as somewhat of a death sentence. I tried to tell my friend one day at the zoo i even planned out this whole trip but every time i tried to open my mouth my mind swirled my heart felt like it was gonna jump out of my body and i was forced to stop. So i just went home and smoked a ridiculous amount of pot and laid in my bed for three days with out sleeping only getting up to goto class because i had projects that if i did not attend to would of caused me to fail. I can only imagine what i looked like must have been something close to a walker from the walking dead. but then finally a miracle happened one day close to before spring break i was lying in my bed not sleeping as usual and then i suddenly got up went to a library wrote a letter explaining to my friend that i was gay and needed to tell someone before i imploded. Not an immediate weight lifted off the shoulders but once i got a chance to talk to her in person i started to feel immensely better (talking to someone on the phone about your being gay is weird i don't recommend it). Now here i am its been a month since this and a couple of weeks i stopped smoking pot when i saw he in person so i could clear my mind and reflect on my next moves of action. Here i am writing it down so a couple of strangers can see my dirty laundry and you know what it feels great! If you have read this than thank you im sorry its so over the place im just writing the generals down for expansion on certain topics to come in the near future. But currently i am trying to work up the nerve to goto a spectrum meeting on my campus and probably talk about what i just said now to them maybe meet some gay friends but it seems so scary to try it in person. I am still only out to one person although maybe many if you include yourselves i really want to tell my best friend and i feel he is next in line to know but i might have a heart attack if i try to tell him now so until that feelin dissolves im trapped in the closet with one tow stuck in the door way!
A very touching story. I'm glad things are starting to improve for you now! You'll work up the courage to tell your friend eventually, and I can assure you that even if it doesn't go well you will grow positively from the experience. Anyhow, welcome to EC. Oh, and paragraphing saves kittens.
