Looking forward to great moments!

Hello!
My name is Rice & Pepper. I joined this community because I need help to find balance in my life while being gay. Let me explain my version of the story.

Ever since I was 14 years old and began to realize what sexual attraction actually is, I had been feeling that something was wrong. I just couldn't get myself turned on with girls, even when I tried by watching pornographic videos. I felt much better watching gay porn and thinking about boys.

At first, I thought that it was just too early and that I had to adapt to the new experience. I thought that my gay aspect was just the fact that boys talk so passionately to each other about sexual intercourse etc with girls, which I interpreted as a somewhat sexual attraction between them as well. To be more specific, a typical scene I would imagine was talking to a boy I would find attractive about having sex with girls and while thinking about it we would both get turned on and have sex on the spot. In other words, I thought that it was quite normal for any man to be having sex with other men.

But very soon I realised that I was wrong. Whenever I was in awkward situations that required me to have an attraction to girls (such as in parties where boys were chasing girls to grab their butts), I just stayed away and felt really isolated. The big hit, nevertheless, was when I realised the actual meaning all the offensive words about gay men that I would hear everyday and the related to them thoughts and emotions. So far, I thought that the obsession that many boys had with gay people existed because everyone was partly gay, as I explained before, but now I realised it was because they felt blind hate towards them. And when I once tried flirting with someone a bit, I didn't get any response at all. Some classmates were also bullying me for no aparent reason. It felt like I was something totally diferrent and completely unwanted. Racism was simply crushing me, so I tried thinking of women instead of men in my personal moments. I even tried to brainwash myself with straight porn, but I just couldn't do it. I really had a hard time. And I was completely alone. I hadn't said anything to anyone, as I was afraid of the reaction I would receive and I wanted to find a solution by myself. But why would I have to suffer? I had never done anything bad, I was a much better person than all these jerks around me, and I never wanted to be gay. I just wanted a normal life. To be a brainless racist like many people were, without a single care.

For the following four-five years in school I lived with the fear of exposure and isolation, but with the guilt as well that it was my fault that I couldn't be straight. I hadn't had any relationships. My close friends were just girls, and at many cases I felt that I didn't belong with them. It was really devestating when one of them got a crush on me and started flirting. She was my best friend, we had so much in common, she was attracted to me and yet we couldn't have a relationship because I was gay. And it was all my fault! I just couldn't watch her failing so hard and feeling bad for herself... But I had to swallow everything up, because I couldn't become straight and I also couldn't tell her or anyone else that I am gay.

During this whole time, I was simply trying to neglect my problem. So I focused more on studying, having good grades, and I spent a lot of time on video games (I would do all these anyway, but I mean in a more passive way as I had nothing else to do).

In 2010 I graduated school and went to university. The first year there was more or less like school. The environment was completely diferrent and I made new acquaintances, but as far as my gay issue was concerned, nothing had changed. I was working really hard to be the top student. However, I had started thinking what I would do in my life. Unless I became straight or whatever, I would never be able to have a nice family, kids of my own and in general a normal life. But I kept all these at the back of my head.

The big change came on the second year, five months or so ago. Having had too few summer vacations and being in a semester with the most boring courses of all, I started thinking that I could not be working my whole life. The fatigue would be unbearable and I would just be sad and lonely. I began thinking that I should heve a goal in my life, some kind of desired end. I don't mean dying or suiciding (though I must admit that it had crossed several times my mind, especially while I was in school). Instead, I thought that one must make the most out of his life, because that's all he has. When life ends, one must be able to look back and happily admit that it is definitely worth living. So far, I had nothing to look back to. I did have many achievements as a student, but that's just a cold aspect of life. I realised that I had to find selfconfidence somehow. So I began examining my whole life, analysing my every single thought ever since I was four. And I started having suspicions that I had always been gay, but as a child I could not understand it. On the other hand, due to the subliminal racism against gay people that moves around us, I was taught that being gay is abnormal and a regular man can only be straight. That's why I was feeling so bad about being gay, although I never had a choice! I was actually not my fault!

At last hope and faith in myself had emerged. I realised how people are just scared and create racism to feel better. That they offend weaker people to hide their own fears. I realised how everyone is diferrent but try to be the same to avoid discrimination. That humans are nothing more than another typical species of mammals that struggle to survive. Maybe just cold chromosomes trying to multiply themselves and not to disappear. That there is no such thing as rules, order and hidden meanings in existence, and definitely nothing abnormal about gay people (who has the right to define what's normal anyways?!). But even if there is, I don't care! I can't feel sorry for myself anymore! I can't keep on being a passive victim! I am unique, I am talented and I must stand up for myself, because I have a life to live and the more I hesitate, the more it gets wasted!

I simply can't believe how many things have changed during these four months. Now I just know that I have to accept the fact that I am gay and move on. I am really glad things turned out this way. And I firmly believe that making it out of this horrible nightmare was a gigantic achievement. Now I feel strong, perhaps stronger (and definitely wiser) than others who never had to face such problems. I deeply wish to find what I am looking for, what will make me happy, and I know that one of these things is being gay and falling in love with a man. More than ever do I feel the time has come to come out. But I know that that's a very hard task. Therefore, I joined this community, to get all the help I need, and perhaps offer help once I find my inner balance. I really hope this turns out well and that I will always feel as confident as now. So, hello to everyone! :icon_bigg