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Hamsters running in circles in my head

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by Someone, May 23, 2012.

  1. Someone

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    That's what it feels like some times, this is just so mind-boggling. The clues have been there for years, I've just been afraid of myself all my life. >< The very first clue being when I hit puberty, started growing boobs and couldn't look at myself... because they're ...boobs. I got through it by forcing myself to look at myself in the mirror and telling myself that they were mine. Yes, they looked really nice, but they were attached to my chest, so they were mine. My mum's flat-chested, and she was my female role model, so... yeah. The fact that my sister has humoungous tits and that mine might be just as big (a little smaller, actually) never really occured to me.

    The second hint was in boarding school(high school) in England when I found myself staring at one of my house mates' (the houses were segregated by sex) stomachs and feeling vaugely turned on. It scared the shit out of me.
    I met a red-headed boy later on at boarding school who was three years younger than me, and I liked him right away. The first time I met him, I was just checking him out quietly, and he was doing the same with me. The next time I met him, I took a solid stance and faced him, and told him that I liked him and asked him if he wanted to be friends. That made him very happy. A few days to a week later, he worked up the courage to tell me he was bi. I think I said something along the lines of: "I knew I liked you for a reason." He looked at me in confusion and I hugged him or something (this was YEARS ago) and told him that the only thing that mattered to me was that he be who he was. I told him I had a feeling that I was supposed to know him. It was then that I 'adopted' him as an honorary little brother, and if he had any trouble in school, to let me know, I'd be there.

    A few years later, I was relying on him when I discovered that I liked girls more than just because they were pretty. By this point, I had admitted to myself that when I saw pictures of anime girls flaunting their boobs and being utterly confident about it that I just wanted to tackle them and kiss them senseless. I was still disconnected though. "I like anime girls." That was completely different from liking real girls.

    When a friend told me that there wasn't much difference, and that it meant something, that made me think. That made me go through two phases once I finally admitted it to myself over the span of the night before going to sleep, and the morning after waking up. 1) 'Holy shit, I like girls! What do I do? Holy shit! This scary!' then:
    2) 'I like girls.' XD 'Heehee!'

    What triggered this rant was that I decided to draw a picture. This is a rather cathartic experience for me. I'm drawing a girl's face looking tenderly towards the viewer as her face is being held lovingly by a pair of feminine hands.
    It feels like a confession. It's kind of nerve-wracking. Especially there's a history of one of my pictures expressing one of my fetishes being found, and a great deal of concern being expressed over it- which led to me swearing not to drawing for at least a decade. That's one of the things that I locked up in my psyche that I've only recently released, only just before my admitting all this to myself.

    So, my drawing something like this... equals cathartic-like experience.

    I'm just Someone in the crowd, and this is my story.

    Hello.
     
  2. Aeon Magus

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    Hello, and welcome to EC, Someone. :slight_smile:
     
  3. rainbowfox

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    I passed kinda same phases, i think we weren't ready to come out to ourselves :slight_smile: wellcome to EC :slight_smile:(*hug*)
     
  4. Ethan

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    Heyo, welcome to EC!
     
  5. BradThePug

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    Hello and Welcome!!
     
  6. Lad123

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    Welcome to EC! :slight_smile:
     
  7. Dominic

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    Welcome to EC! :slight_smile:
     
  8. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC.