I'm new here and found the site using google. I was looking to see if there are others like me. I've been trying to decide if I fit into the g0y movement. Physically I think I do but the thing that disgusts me about a lot of guys who call themselves g0y is the lack of commitment. They seem to want a lot of good "friends" with whom they can be intimate. I find the lack of commitment to one person repulsive. The unwillingness on my part to participate in anal sex has lead to me being constantly alone. I find even the thought of it a complete turn off. Oral, frot, intercrural sex; all good - in a committed for life relationship. I'm tired of having no one to love romantically and being passed over as soon as I fail to answer the lame, "Top or bottom?", question as if that's all there is to a person. I want to find others like me with perhaps the intention of developing something more than friendship with one guy for life. The post that lead me here and made me feel less alone is this... http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anonymous-discussions/57349-gay-males-not-into-anal-sex.html Re: Gay males not into anal sex... J.
I'm not sure where you're finding these guys, but judging by how you've described them, I'd guess it's either a hook-up site/app or some kind of venue that's known for being a place where guys can find hook-ups. And if that's the case, what else would you expect? These guys you're describing are probably just as bewildered by your expectation of commitment as you are by their just wanting sex, because they're clearly expecting something different out of the interaction than you are. But just because you don't fit in in that part of the gay community (the hook-up scene) doesn't mean you don't fit in in the gay community at all. The gay community is a multi-faceted, diverse thing. There's the hook-up crowd, for sure, but there are also plenty of gay guys who are looking for something more meaningful--I'd wager that most of the people here fall into that category--they're just harder to find because they don't put themselves out there as much as the guys who are just looking for sex. If you're looking for commitment and if you're trying to find a long-term relationship, you're going to have to look elsewhere from where you've been looking, because it clearly isn't working for you. If you're looking for something offline, see if there are any GLBT groups or organizations in your area for a particular activity that you enjoy (like a GLBT sports team, or a GLBT book club). You're way more likely to find someone looking for the same thing as you in a group like that than at wherever you've been looking for guys up to now. And if there aren't any such clubs around you, I know there are dating sites out there that cater much more to people looking for something more substantial than a hook-up; you'll probably have much better luck on one of those. And on a side note, though the hook-up scene isn't right for you and though you're looking for commitment, for something more than just sex, there's no need to be so disparaging and judgmental toward the hook-up crowd. I understand that your seeming perception of the hook-up crowd as being all there is to the gay community (that's how I'm reading your post, anyway; apologies if I'm off the mark) probably made you feel alienated from the gay community as a whole, but there's no need to be so negative about people who are looking for friends with benefits. That's just what they want for themselves, and there's nothing wrong with that, especially considering they were upfront about it and didn't try to deceive you into being their next one-night stand when you where expecting something more. You and they just want different things out of relationships; that's all there is to it, and it's nothing to be disgusted by.
"I'd wager that most of the people here fall into that category--they're just harder to find because they don't put themselves out there as much as the guys who are just looking for sex." I believe that's the problem I'm having. I'm only seeing the ones who yell loudest. It doesn't matter where I've met guys; online, in person. Some have been up front, some have been very purposefully deceptive. I happen to have standards. I find certain things disgusting. Can't help that. I'm sure some others are repulsed or bored by my notion of monogamy. They can have their opinion as I have mine. Portions of the straight community are equally as guilty of whoring around. I wasn't singling out the gay community. If anyone wants that life, it's their choice. I'm simply looking for more. J.
You are like me, when I love someone it's for life. Since I married my husband, I never looked back. I love him too much. It doesn't mean temptation isn't out there. Many times I were tempted, but I am married, I love my hubby and won't risk what I have for him for anything.
From a fellow midwesterner, welcome to EC!! I know there are many men looking for the same thing as you. I'm sure you'll hear from plenty of them here!
Thanks for the welcome, guys. You're both encouraging. Congrats, thylvin! That's awesome. I'm hoping for the same thing some day. I get what you mean about being tempted. Temptation is everywhere. Still I'm not the kind of guy who expects my future partner not to look. That's human nature. I don't want an uptight relationship where neither of us can say, hey man look over there and check out that scenery. lol Now acting on that would be something different.
Thanks. By far the most guys I see are from South Africa. Everywhere, facebook, and every other site. SA must be loaded with guys who love guys? Maybe I need to move to SA!
Hey JJ and welcome to EC. Yeah, another South African lol. I know exactly what you mean. I get rather annoyed by guys who just want sex, which are, unfortunately, as Owen said the more "out there" group. I would like to find love first, before sex. Commitment and loyalty are also things that I value greatly. I wouldn't give up though, there are many others who are like you, finding them might just be a little bit more of a challenge. Oh yeah and when it comes to anal sex, it kind of freaks me out a bit lol. You should stick around, the people here are always willing to help.
That's it. I have to move to South Africa. All of the good guys are there. I'm convinced of it. lol Curiosity has me. Everywhere I turn there is another South African guy similar to me. Is the South African culture more open to same sex couples?
No, I wouldn't say that. I think I depends on where you live. I'm from a really conservative part of SA, but Cape Town for instance is a lot more accepting. You get loads of guys who JUST want sex, but I think the way we are raised, a bit more conservative, might be the reason for there being guys like this here. I mean you have the values usually associated with a religious and conservative lifestyle. Just a theory though and I have never been anywhere else so I can't say if there are more guys like this here. But you should come visit SA and see for yourself. It really is a diverse country, a bit of everything.
Guys, guys sex doesn't mean to have just intercourse, there are other ways to have sex without the intercourse part, some of it better than the actual intercourse acts. But yeah SA is cool, I love the place, though I won't move there permanently. I love Namibia better, WIDE OPEN SPACES and the best of all... only 2 mil people! Having said that I have to be honest, if you are used to a variety of clubs, technology even jewellery, clothes accessories, household goods and so on, then you'll be very frustrated. Even when flying any other 1st world country, Nam feels like you've stepped back in time, even compared to SA. People are slower oh and one last thing. Service is a word we only use to sell something... it doesn't mean anything here, it's like a sales urban legend.
That's precisely what I've been saying since ever but I have yet to find anyone I like who shares this thought. Thanks silverhalo for the welcome.
