Midnight Salutations

[deadpoet rene]

So I came upon this site when looking for support groups for my convoluted situation. Well, I figured what could it hurt, right? The worst I could get was crickets, oft-rendered silence.

I've always been an outsider, highly skilled in the camouflage of normalcy. I guess I've reached a point in my life in which I've realized how awfully tired I am of hiding and I've just started trying to figure out how to become more comfortable with this corporeal reality, not to mention allow it to become more psychologically and emotionally in sync with my inner personality. Hell, maybe there's more people out there like me, I thought. Perhaps this is the right place to explore?

I was born female, but I've always found that extremely difficult to fully embrace. From the earliest age, I've yearned for a male identity, albeit a decidedly feminine though distinctly male identity. However, it all seems rather fluid for me. To be butch never jived. To be honest, if I were in the correct physical form, I would easily be a bisexual man. What made things that much more difficult was that there really seemed to be only three choices when I was growing up: gay, straight, or bisexual. Sexual orientation was the foremost identifier. Before all the current gender spectrum research, I had little to no clue about all of the other options or that there might actually be a place for me to fit in amongst them. (Suffice it to say ~ I still don't fit in; square peg, round hole types like me skirt the sidelines it seems. Common reaction = a female feeling as if she's a male who wants to be with a female or another male?! Wha-?) I've never really wanted to label myself, but it would be nice to fit in somewhere and have other people understand me. After reading up over the years, I've recognized some patterns in which the way I think and operate line up with certain genders and sexual orientations. As of now, I identify as a bigender bisexual. (Actually, add a third "bi" to that and you've got my particularly tricky ménage à trois). Only my close friends and family know about my gender/sexual orientation, but I'm not ashamed of it. What I'm having the biggest challenges with at this time in my life is finding others who "get this" and, more importantly, finding out how to live life as the real me and not this "normal" persona I've built up for myself over the years, dictated by society and career and family. I've yet to maneuver between the lions and face the gauntlet of honest self-expression. I'm having body image issues and looking to find how to shape my physicality to further match the internal image of myself. I'm also just looking for people to talk to who understand these types of things.

Hmm. So am I in the right place?

- Rene

[thecat06]

Hello and Welcome!!

You sound a lot like me. I feel more masculine but I am still somewhat feminine. I end up meshing both together into something that I feel comfortable with. I'm still in the process of taking down the walls and letting people see the real me.

(Sorry if that does not make sense... It's 3:32 am in my time zone...)

[silverhalo]

Hey welcome to EC.

[deadpoet rene]

Thanks for the welcomes, thecat06 and silverhalo!

thecat06 > It makes perfect sense. Nice to know you understand and are having similar issues with the complexity involved.

[Ethan]

Heyo, welcome to EC!

[flyinhernikes]

welcome welcome!

[Aeon Magus]

Hello, and welcome to EC, Rene.

[deadpoet rene]

Greetings to y'all! Thanks Nazo ~ flyinhernikes ~ Aeon Magus! I look forward to meeting people here...

[Mej7]

You're deffinately in the right place!
Welcome to EC.
I've always been an outsider as well.
I think the majority of ECers were/are... maybe...
But we seem to fit in on EC, and I'm sure you will to.

[deadpoet rene]

Thanks, Mej7! I sure hope so..

[Mej7]

You're welcome! YOu're going to love this site

i agree Welcome to Ec Rene * hugs tight *