Hiya!

Pleased to meet you all, I have had a great experience on this site for the past day or so so I decided to make this intro. As you can see from the right, I am 17 and not out. I found this forum online just a few days ago and I have to say, its indescribable how invaluable the information here is.

For some reason, no one really suspects that I am gay. Not my parents, not my friends, not anyone. I don't really know why because I don't really hide it. Of course I don't go around pointing at guys and stuff but I generally act like myself. Like as a young kid, I didn't want to play with the toys my parents bought for me - no - I played with my sisters barbies and painted their nails and did their hair. Of course that was only for a few years until I moved to America. When my family did, I was young and didn't quite understand what was happening so I got lost. When I moved, I was locked up in a building as it wasnt safe to go out for almost a year. I didn't go to school, I couldnt play outside.

My family moved few times after that trying to find a place to settle down. In the process, I became distant from everyone - keep in mind that was still less than 10 years old - and I literally stopped talking to everyone. There was a point where I didn't say word to anyone in my family for a full 5 weeks. Nobody really did anything, they just kinda went along without noticing anything was wrong. I had problems adjusting to school, I was like the outcast - I looked/spoke weird because I cam from another country, I didn't really talk to anyone, my grades were horrible. I was also a very naive person and trusted people a lot and got hurt by that many times. I was hurt emotionally(at school) and physically(at home - wont get into it) while in elementary school. As life went on, by the last two years of elementary school, I found something that could get my mind off of the pain - school work. Focusing on that, I literally went from the bottom of the class to the top. It was a rather strange turn of events because as a child in the country I was born, I was a rather active person always running and competing against my friends in sports - but after being locked up I lost all of that.

Moving to middle school - I had a mistrust in adults and couldn't even gather the courage to even talk to them without crying (i couldn't realize the reason why until later in my life). I began to SLOWLY open up, found a few friends and continued to gain more. I pushed through middle school and during the time I was extremely depressed and had suicidal thoughts. That was growing from elementary school and came to a peak in middle school. It continued a little into high school but after some 5+ years of suicidal thoughts (wont talk about any attempts I made, and there were some), I finally broke free.

During my last year in middle school and in the beginning of high school was the point were I started to gain a little confidence and I began trusting adults a little more and opened up a little more. I went through high school as an academic powerhouse. I graduated this year. I am still not as open as I should be, but I am working on it. Ever so often, waves to depression hit me through high school but I fight through it. I think the fact that I got to move into my sisters room (she went to college) rather than my old room where it was connected to the living room and everyone passed through really helped me avoid my family. I lock myself up in my room and on a good day, only see any family members for 20 minutes a day. In high school, I grew stronger psychically as well, to the point that the physical pain I had at home would no longer be possible because I can outforce my parents now. It was not until high school that I fully realized that I was gay (like 10th grade). Before that, I definitely had my doubts but when I looked at my entire life, everything pointed to this. Anyways, despite all of this, I continue to grow and finally, in just about a months time I get to start at an Ivy League university on scholarship(btw, for those still in high school, consider a private school because they can be lenient in giving money and grants - I am paying for the small amount left by working throughout the year) and pursue my dreams of being an engineer and finally get away form the dark energy that my home and family members harness. Though all of this, I have gained motivation, courage, and optimism that can never be taken from me.

I don't feel comfortable sharing every detail but I just wanted to share some of what I went through and give hope to others who may be in a similar position. Life can kick you down, burn you, and rip you apart, but hang in there and pick yourself up because no matter what happens, you always have yourself and you have the power to say no to all of the bullying and stand up taller than all of those who have made your life miserable and move on to better things. I feel like I have already lived through a hundred lives and have gained a wisdom and perspective on life that I can only compare to that of the elderly. I'm sorry for this sort of unorganized thoughts but I would like to thank you all for everything you have put into this forum. I look forward to meeting all of you.