My story so far...

[gandreou2012]

Hello everyone, I am 28 years old Balkan man living in the UK at the moment.
This text describes my story so far…

My first thought that I can recollect for my memory about my sexuality comes at when I was about 10 years old. I was playing with my cousins and friends that were similar age as me and all of a sudden they disappear. When they came back we discussed that we go to the toilet and there we show our penises to each other. I still have this memory very live in my mind. Since then we gather few more times and we hug and touch each other naked but after a while all these stopped. Months later I was doing similar things with one of my friend. I used to be the female character and he used to be the male one. We were seeing a porn magazine and tried to mimic what we saw. I remember that I always had a boner during these sessions whereas my friend did not. Then at the end of my primary and secondary school I have bullied extensively which made me very reserved with my emotions and my sexual orientation. On the high school things were better in general and I made some good friends which I am still in contact with most of them. At that point I knew I had a crash for boys more than girls and until now this is a well kept secret. I was in love with my classmate and it happens to share the same bench at school. We become best friends, I was always on his side if he needed something and I also I was helping him with one of his girlfriend to meet with each other as I knew her well from my secondary school. The years passed and we went to University at different cities. There among others I found two girls that we become good friends and spending time but nothing on the romantic life until the time my first and only long term relationship came into my life. I was with that girl for 2 and half years and I although I wasn’t fancy her, I felt in love by the time we were together. In addition she offered me a girlfriend character to say to my friend and protect myself from my sexual identity. The sex with her initially was difficult because I though she will find out that I like men more than women so I was a bit nervous but with the time I found my power and it was OK. At some point I can admit I liked it too; however I was always fantasizing having sex with a man would be different! Anyway we broke up because we moved at different places and since then I find it difficult to start a new relationship with a girl mainly because I feel I will that I will pretend I am happy with her whereas I will not. So I am single for the last 7 years.

At the moment I am living in the UK but I have few friends around from my country so I am not thinking coming out to them as I fear they will spread the news to my other friends back in there. Here where I work I came very close (and I am in love) with a South American guy. However he is very straight. He counts on our friendship when he is single mainly because he knows I can do whatever he wants as I am always there for him. When he is in a relationship he is very happy and tells me all that which on the one hand make me feel jealous as I would like to be the other person but on the other am happy as he is my friend. I would say it is the second person in my life I felt in love after the one in high school (which by the way he is married at the moment); however my feeling now are stronger as we been friend and share more experiences for more time. Anyway, few times he said to me that he thinks I am gay and carrying on the joke I said yes but then he got this scary face and I confess I made a joke and that I am a good actor (which between us I am as I am hiding my real sexuality very well for that long).The thing with him is that I love to spend as much time as possible together but he is here only to cover his friendship needs especially when he is not in a relationship!
Now to the point and sorry for all that long history but I felt I should share it with you guys here:

1. I cannot come out to my family, especially parents and brothers as we are a very traditional Balkan family and being gay will be a shame for them and they will take it really bad. So I don’t want that to happen to them
2. The same applies to my friends. Especially back in my country; even if they will accept me they will make jokes and that news will go to the local community and ultimately will go to my parent attention and they will feel miserable.
3. My friends here are also quite traditional and when a gay is referred to our discussions their reactions are not they reactions I would like my friends to be make to me
4. I had two experiences with other men. I like them but it was through sex-meeting sites where you meet someone go directly to bed and then leave which is very impersonal for me. And trying to stay in the closet makes the whole dating harder.

At the moment I am in a dilemma of what shall I do with my sexual identity. Especially when time passes question about your personal life are getting harder to reply. My 9 year old niece asked me when I will get married as she wants to be part of the ceremony. What should I say to that little girl? But on the other hand I carrying all that alone for a long time now and I wish I had someone to love and share my life with…
Since this idealist moment comes, I am afraid that my closet will be full with my phobias.
G.

[Aeon Magus]

Hello, Gandreou, and welcome to EC.

[Night Rain]

Originally Posted by Aeon Magus

Hello, Gandreou, and welcome to EC.

Are you for real?

To OP:
I understand what you are going through. I went through a somewhat similar situation with *gasp* my cousin. It was rather stupid now that I think about it.

At some point I can admit I liked it too

I sincerely doubt that you are bisexual. It seems that you were/are forcing yourself into thinking that you are bisexual. Sex shouldn't have felt like a duty, and should have been enjoyable all the time. You even said it yourself:

In addition she offered me a girlfriend character to say to my friend and protect myself from my sexual identity.

Even if you were bisexual, the fact that you also liked men shouldn't have interfered with enjoying being with her. Regardless, it's all over so there isn't really anything to do about this now, and it doesn't matter if you are bi or gay.

Now we can't really say anything about your friend. When you said he was making a "scary face", could it be that he was playing along with you? Can you find out if he's homophobic, like joking about it or something? There are also other people out there for you...

You will have to deal with your family one way or another. Remember that this is your life! If it's really impossible to do anything without them knowing, what else can you do? If you come out to your friends, how does the news travel back to your home anyway? It's possible that your friends will mind their language when they know about you, but don't count on it. Can you make new friends? I think it's high time you started living for yourself and cared less about what people think. Just do what makes you happy. If anyone disowns you for who you are, you can forget them.

. My 9 year old niece asked me when I will get married as she wants to be part of the ceremony. What should I say to that little girl?

When the time is right? When I find the right person? And being gay/bi doesn't mean you can't get married (maybe not now and not where you live).

But really, only you can change your life. If you're too afraid to do anything then how do you expect life to change itself? I'm still (financially) dependent on my family and I'm only 20, so I'm in no position to talk about this, but this is what I would do if I were you.
I'm a bit disgruntled today so I apologize if I sound harsh.

Oh, and welcome to EC!

[Bobbgooduk]

Hi there!

You are currently living in the UK - could you consider emigrating permanently? I wasn't thinking just of the UK, but your English is good and there are lots of English -language countries in the world, AND places like the Netherlands where you can get by with English, even in a work situation.

A lot of gay men avoid the family issue by moving away. It means giving up a lot of the closeness you might have enjoyed with them, but at least it means you can be yourself and live on your own terms.

My partner is 47 and has never told his parents he's gay. He's lived with me for 9 years, his parents visit us and we talk "as a couple" but they have never asked and he has never confirmed.

It must be obvious to them that a 47-year-old man who has never had a girlfriend wnd who lives with another man is probably not going to make them proud grandparents any time soon!

I think that once your parents are used to the idea of you being completely independent, living your own life without their constant watchful eye, you'll be surprised by how far throught life you can get without coming out to your family.

Some may consider that deceitful, but if you are forced to be deceitful because of their attitudes, the fault lies with them.

I wish you luck - as an emigré myself, although nothing to do with sexuality, I can recommend the benefits of living away from home!

[alex2020]

Bienvenue!

[thecat06]

Hello and Welcome!!

[thylvin]

Hi and welcome. Yeah families can be difficult, you hid your sexual identity quite well. Now all you have to do is dig out the parts that is hiding who you truly are.