Hi, this is my first thread here and on internet fora in general. I m glad I can share my thoughts with likeminded people... I dont really know where to start so I m going to bombard you with facts, facts, facts I m soon turning 30 and I have consciously known about my gay side for some 5 years but always surpressed it ...with all the consequences as you can imagine. I have met my great love (a girl) at the age of 20 and when she left me on the day we wanted to move in together my world collapsed. It took me some 5 years to get over it and to realise that I had probably turned gay. Still, I was and still am occasionally attracted to girls (mostly sexually but not emotionally in terms of feeling warm inside which only happens when I think of a bisexual male friend of mine who is with a girl). So none of the girls I meet trigger the intense feelings I felt for my first love. I continued to more or less successfully deny my gay side and got together with a beautiful person (another girl) knowing that I was probably gay. I did it against my better judgement. Of course it wasnt the same love I remember to have felt for my first girl and there is no need to say how much I regret this decision, how much I hurt her when I broke up w her. What is more, after one year in this relationship I stopped taking the anti-depressants I had been on for almost 10 years - I m sure that the denial contributed to my depression. And I told her that I was probably gay and we broke up in tears. Though I do miss her I think/know that I m gay: When I m around guys I feel differently than I used to. I want to kiss them, hug them and be held by them. Only occasionally I feel pretty straight, but mostly sexually not emotionally. gay porn for example doesnt turn me on... I cannot yet imagine to be physical with a guy, sexually I m not (yet) aroused but emotionally I need it. Also I check out guys on the street (feeling guilty) and my gaydar works pretty well. Still, I feel strange around gay guys (maybe internalised homophobia), I want to be different than them which is a big theme in my life, everyone comments on me wanting to be different. I d be happy to be bi but deep inside I know that I m currently more attracted to guys and that I need to try it out. I think I should really get over my internalised homophobia. maybe then I can fully embrace my gay side and learn to love life... I d be interested to hear of those who came out relatively late how long it took you to fantasize about men, or to be ready to get physical. my first attempts failed but I want and need to try it out. btw. I like the jumping banana
First of all, Welcome and Congrats ^_^. I was fairly early in my coming to terms with everything. I was never very adamant on figuring myself out, so when I realized that I was only really attracted to guys, I didnt really have a terrible time with it. However, I can relate to the unconfortable feeling of being around gay/feminine guys. I never really personally had a problem with them, nor am I all the masculine(I'm about nuetral). It just felt wierd and, being at a young age, I didnt really want to be seen with them. Years have passed, I now have many more gay/feminine male friends than I expected myself to. I am closer to my gay friends than I am with my other friends. I would recommend, that even though many of us feel like we wouldnt fit in with most other gay guys, that we all make a effort to reach out to any of them as we can, because we might just prove ourselfs wrong. Not to mention, it is alot easier to make other friends and possible partners. Many also find that talking things out with people that will fully understand can really help us accept ourselfs. (Oh and I did put gay and feminine guys together, not because they are automaticly together lol. I just had the same feelings about both at the time)
thanks Gen! I have no problems hanging out with my gay friends, in fact I enjoy it because I dont feel pressured. I feel more pressured when hanging with some of my straight friends who go out for girls. I just dont like it when either straight or gay guys play the macho card wolf-whistling attractive girls/guys they see. I too find them attractive but my way of showing 'respect' is different. I m also sick of neoliberal media portayal of gays and women which I fear to have internalised. 'They' are in our minds... or have you never thought of arabic men with bagbacks as potential terrorists. I m so sick of this thing called society, especially in London. I hate this city with its shiny capital and hidden islands of subcultures and 'scenes'. It is hard to make world my home. A summer of hate
Hello and welcome :smilewave I think we all like the jumping banana (!) You'll find lots of people here with things to share with you about their experiences. Remember to ask questions - it's an important stage in your development, especially as you are still not sure but, again, you're not unusual in that. Have fun :smilewave ---------- Post added 11th Aug 2012 at 09:17 AM ---------- P.S. I'm not invisible - from where I'm sitting, I can totally see myself from here (!)
Welcome to the site! And don't worry too much - there are LOTS of different types of gay people. Chances are you're already a little different. Also, I love your use of the plural of "forum."
