Hi Guys. (deep breath) At long last I seem to have found what appears to be a place where I can express my gay feelings without being negatively judged. Although I'm 49 years old I'm still sitting in a dark closet, one which appears to be getting darker by the day. Perhaps I'm having a mid-life crisis, but in the end the closet is not only getting darker, it's also getting colder and lonelier. I've always been able to hide my homosexuality from the people around me as I don't always "feel" that I'm gay. Maybe the reason for this is that I'm a good liar, or maybe it's because I've hidden my feelings behind a wall of denial. My denial is actually being boosted by the fact that if I walk along a busy street I often look at pretty women and not men. I realized today, however, that I'm looking at women in much the same way that I would look at a pretty flower, any sexual desire is not often present. (On the other hand, if a nice looking guy were to smile at me, then I would instantly feel aroused.) In the past my only gay "experiences" have been either watching it on the internet, or else in my own personal fantasies. I have had a few girlfriends over the years, but I've never been able to please them properly. I've always felt a certain guilt that they deserve somebody more honest than me. Intimacy has always ended in disaster, which I can only blame on myself for using any excuse (other than my personal feelings) to avoid it. Hence I've been single for a long while now, satisfying my desires just by using my fantasies. Most of the time I get by. My "urges" being drowned by day to day living and a strong belief that they are only that (urges). However, as I said earlier, the closet is getting to be a cold place and my gay feelings are not going away - if anything they are getting stronger and less "manageable". I do feel safe in the closet. My friends and family are primarily straight and are of the firm belief that I am too. So to "come out" (especially at my age) would appear to cause more problems than it would solve. So here I am. Maybe taking my first step by posting this. I do hope I haven't bored anyone. If you have reached this point without changing to a more interesting post, then thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts. Thanks again. (another deep breath before pressing "Submit New Thread")
Hello (^_^)^ Of course you havent bored us. We are here to express ourselfs and voice of opinions or problems. Please do "express your gay feelings"!
Welcome my friend. Life is complicated but you are in the right path. I hope for the best for you! And welcome!
Hi, I'm new here too and can relate to a great deal of what you wrote. The closet, as you noted, may be cold and lonely but I'd be willing to bet that, like me, you can describe every detail of it down to the grain in the wood of the floor. It's familiar, and manageable, and safe. Lying and denying is familiar and all too easy. Shutting down whole sections of your personality in order to keep life flowing smoothly for others is second nature. It's trying to figure out what kind of a price you're paying to do that that's hard. I think we may be in the same boat, staring sadly at our matching oars.
Thank You All Thank you all for the nice welcome. It's so refreshing to be able to come here and be able to speak so openly about my gay feelings. Up until just a few days ago I would not have believed that I would ever have had the courage to write my first post. Pink Tractor, you are so right of course. The cold closet in which I reside is so well known to me and it is it's "safe" familiarity that I cling onto with such misguided despair. To take that first step into the frightening unknown, which must also lead to freedom, is such difficult step to take. Yet it feels to me now that, with the help of EC, at least the first step has become a possibility.
Jackdaw, I'm very glad you feel as positive about finding this site as I do. Hopefully we'll have a chance to discuss more topics in days to come. Best wishes! Pinky
