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Really Late Bloomer

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by Rachyl, Sep 23, 2012.

  1. Rachyl

    Rachyl Guest

    Hey All,

    Just found this site a few days ago, and decided I needed to start to come out to somebody, as I just realized I am gay. I was sure I was bi, being married for 12 yrs and dated for 2 yrs (through the internet).

    It was two years ago that I came through a time where I started acting much more feminine. Being a guy of course, and so not believing I could be gay, went searching for why, as I still was interested in women. That of course being my wife. Found a site on being transgender, and it sounded a lot like what I was feeling at the moment. Which was really freaking me out.

    Little background, molested at a very young age, most before I could remember, then it became sexual at age 12 with my grandfather. At the time I was exploring my sexuality so I did as I was told to do as he was an adult. Flash forward two years ago, SO... I went to the doctor and then of course was sent to a gender therapist, whom confirmed that I had quite a bit going for that idea. A couple of months went by and I slowly came out to my most of my family that I was transgender and all but a few were fine with that.

    Here was the BUT... my aunt and uncle and my oldest sister, *3 yrs younger then I* are very traditional Catholic, and I thought so was I.

    So intervention was done and long story short, one destroyed psyche later, I was straight again, with male hormone therapy. Everyone was happy. Even me as they were able to get me to believe that I just needed more meds to be happy.

    But recently in the last 90 days I have had issues with getting my T shots, so again, the roller coaster ride of emotions and actions, but this time, ZERO desire for women, and incredible desires of wanting to be with a man.

    NOW ... 6 days ago felt like everything just clicked, and I just KNEW I was gay.

    So many things in my past just "clicked" and I realized that they ALL pointed to me being gay, all my life. Now I have a calmness inside of myself and a peacefulness that I have never had.

    Sorry for it being so long winded, I talk a lot. :lol:
     
  2. Artemicion

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    Hello and welcome. Thanks for sharing your story! And it's not long winded at all :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  3. Rachyl

    Rachyl Guest

    Thanks for the response Artemicion, if you met me in person I so can talk your ear off. lol
     
  4. Artemicion

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    Hahaha, well...I wouldn't doubt that - having met people who do talk...on and on...anyways, feel free to leave a message on my profile page or PM.
     
  5. Rachyl

    Rachyl Guest

    Loving that your from Canada, as I miss my home country a lot right now.
     
  6. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Welcome! There are plenty who have started the coming out process later than you have, including quite a few who are here at EC.

    If you haven't spent time as an adult exploring the impact that sexual abuse has had on you, that's something that will be important to address. Therapy is a near-necessity, but it's really, really important to find a therapist with extensive experience and training specifically with working with male survivors; the issues are completely different than for female survivors, and many therapists don't realize this.

    I can also give you some book recommendations if you're a reader, both on issues of coming out, and on issues of male sexual abuse. Let me know if that would be helpful.
     
  7. Hsj22

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    I'm a late bloomer too, welcome!
     
  8. Rachyl

    Rachyl Guest

    Thanks Chip,
    Actually most of my life I believed I was a monster, as what he did was make me believe that what he was doing to me was "normal". I blamed myself and tried to kill myself over the issue at 19.

    But the strange thing was that the issue of sexual abuse controlled how I thought about myself and how I saw the world around me these past 30 yrs.

    But since everything "clicked" *sorry I am going to be using that word a lot as I now know without any doubt that I am gay* I have been able to remember more clearly what happened and understand my life and why I did what I did growing up.

    Lol. Now of all times in my life I understand so much more.

    Sadly I have no idea what to do as I am generally a very nice person and cannot imagine hurting my best-est friend I have ever had my wife.
     
  9. Ticklish Fish

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    OHAI.

    I swear, you make the thread like <1 minute after me.

    So sup!
     
  10. Rachyl

    Rachyl Guest

    Oh and btw, I have no desire to be "straight" ever again.
    This time no one is going to make me be something I am so not.

    ---------- Post added 23rd Sep 2012 at 10:53 PM ----------

    Just chilling, and really happy kacho.

    A little sad that I would have seen who I was sooner then later, like now. If it weren't for my grandfather.
     
  11. Ticklish Fish

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    I'm not sure if I am understanding your story, but does your family knows what your grandfather did?

    There's some things that don't make sense to me. Maybe I should sleep and read this in the morning lol.
     
  12. Rachyl

    Rachyl Guest

    They do as he started with them first. Almost all his kids went through some sort of abuse with him as he was an alcoholic to boot.

    But in my case he had me convinced that he was training me to be just like him, and until my 19th birthday I did anything he told me to do, along with any person he wanted me to do it to. :frowning2:
     
  13. Ticklish Fish

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    Sorry to hear that. >_>
    That's terrible brainwash/manipulation of children.

    At least you hit the age/point in life that you start taking control
     
  14. Rachyl

    Rachyl Guest

    No Kacho,

    it was even worse then that I actually caught a show on pedophiles and sexual abuse, and realized he had made me just like him. That's when I really fell apart, suicidal and all that. my only girlfriend I ever had was at the age of 28 to my fiance. Whom I have been married to for 12 yrs and now had to tell her that I am not the man of her dreams.

    very much sucks.
     
  15. Ticklish Fish

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    Um... Pardon me for my lack of experience since I have no proper response and idea on how to reply to this, or give comments, or give tips, or give advises.

    Well um, nice to meet you! Hopefully other members can help you with that issue(s)....

    /is very embarrassed and not helpful at all
     
  16. Rachyl

    Rachyl Guest

    I am just happy that you have the chance to learn about your sexuality, at a normal age and have support like this place here, to give you an outlet for your thoughts and questions.

    Promise, it may feel rough at first, but you will have an AMAZING future ahead of you.

    You have all the time in the world Kacho
     
  17. Ticklish Fish

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    ... I am still in closet, for reasons. Yeah. I'll head to bed now.
    I am actually thinking of changing username since I use this username in other internet places...
     
  18. Chip

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    Please do submit a name change request, both for our security policy, and for your own privacy, so people won't be able to identify your posts here. Just make a thread in Ask the Staff and we'll take care of it for you.
     
  19. Rachyl

    Rachyl Guest

    As can be seen here. I regularly insert foot in mouth. OUCH! need to stop doing that.:slight_smile:
     
  20. 55

    55
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    Welcome to EC, NDKnight! I'm so sorry to hear of all the abuse at the hands of your grandfather. What an awful thing! I'm a grandfather myself and I couldn't imagine ever doing something like that.

    I don't have time this morning for an extensive post, but rest assured there are quite a few men on EC who are coming out late (even later than you). I'm sure you'll be hearing from some of them.

    I just came out at the start of this year at age 56. I was married for 35 years and have 3 adult children.

    All the best!

    55