Closeted and looking for a warm welcome...

Hello everyone,

I know this is a long post, but I feel like I need to unload some things that I've had bottled up for far too long. I'm a 26 year old bisexual woman who's looking for support, so I thought I'd give this a try.

I've been struggling with my sexuality for most of my life. In high school, I was in complete denial about being attracted to the same sex. I played rugby and was trying so hard to fight the stereotype that comes with that sport. I was always close with my girlfriends and when I think back, I realize that I probably had infatuations with a number of them but of course, I pushed those feelings to the back of my mind. I was constantly being told that if I were a guy, I'd be perfect for them. I left high school a virgin, having a very small dating track record. I never really had a boyfriend or guy friends in general. It was easier to be friends with girls it seemed.

In university I met a girl who I instantly connected with. About a month into our friendship, things got physical and I found myself experimenting with the same sex. At this point in my life, I really started to question everything that I knew. I enjoyed it but I should have realized that she was using me and was never actually going to reciprocate the feelings that I had. I stupidly went along with it for 3 years. To this day, the extent of that relationship is a secret. My parents would comment on how she treated me like a girlfriend and had unrealistic expectations. Little did they know how right they were. Only a couple close friends know what actually was going on and even then, it was a year later that I let them in.

Things ended when she 'cheated' (I use cheated loosely because we were never technically in a relationship together even though we spent all our time together and slept with one another constantly) on me while we were on vacation with a mutual friend of ours who happened to have what she was looking for, a penis. After that, things were pretty much over between us. We tried to remain friends but I couldn't do it because of how hurt I was. I eventually had to cut her out of my life because I was finding myself lost and depressed.

My outlook on dating was pretty bleak and I was going through a lot of self-loathing alone. A new friend entered my life around this time who I instantly clicked with. I told her everything that went on with my ex-friend and she helped me see that I was worth so much more than that. She picked me up and dusted me off.

One drunken night she kissed me and I felt fireworks. It was amazing and it scared the shit out of me because I didn't want to go through that again. We shrugged it off as being drunk and stupid. We continued to be the best of friends and I didn't put much into it because she was straight and I wasn't looking for anything.

We went away to Vegas on vacation to see Elton John and one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. It was amazing and nothing like my previous experience with a woman. We talked about it and she confessed that she had always wondered what it would be like to be with a woman. We both agreed that it was fun and that was that.

I chalked it up to a 'what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas' experience but once we got home, it continued and has ever since. We put a stop to it a couple of times but eventually the feelings we had for each other were too hard to ignore. Plus the sex was incredible! It was hard to imagine myself with anyone else.

This past summer I joined a dating site in search of a hetero relationship because she couldn't say that I was who she wanted to be with. She also wanted me to figure out if I really wanted to be with her. The fact that I hadn't had experiences with guys made her doubt my feelings for her. I agreed and I went on some dates with a really great guy but it felt more like friendship than anything else. Eventually I talked to my best friend again and sure enough, she confessed that she wanted to be with me. Happy day!

My dilemma now is that I am not out to my family and frankly the thought of telling them that my best friend is actually my girlfriend scares me because I don't know what their reaction might be. I have a cousin who is gay and his coming out didn't go over so well with his immediate family. My mother has always been very accepting of him and homosexual people in general but her views on bisexuality aren't very encouraging. I've tried to subtly drop hints but they've never been received well and make me nervous to tell. I still live at home and I feel like to truly be ready to come out to my parents, I need to be out of their house first and on my own. There really isn't pressure to be out to them at the moment because I am happy with how things are going now with my lady love but lately my anxiety has been putting doubt into my feelings for her and that scares me.

I know that I shouldn't care what people think but for someone who's always struggled with that, it's a hard habit to break. I'm hoping that this community might be able to give me the support that I so very need at the moment. I don't want to feel alone and like a fraud anymore. I'd like to tell me family some day and be open to them about my feelings for my friend and how amazingly happy she makes me.

Thanks for listening,

the frizz

 

Thanks Schabanak! I'm looking forward to contributing to this community and getting to know everyone.

 

I'm beginning to feel the same way. Thanks for such a great welcome to everyone!