This is sorta a coming out and sorta not, be advised, it's a wee..bit long, i hope you guys can be patient with me. Hello & i am Tusker:eusa_shif also i am a young collegiate (college kid) at home with the "rents" (Parents). But my purpose here is to be brief; this nightmare has been going on for me since i was 4 years old:icon_sad: no offense to people who are out, about & proud; i have the utmost respect for those people & their bravery, but i can't bare to keep having these thoughts, either i am having fantasies about the same-sex or later i am sitting there feeling guilty & ashamed of myself, most kids sleepovers would be telling scary stories or something along those lines..for me as a kid maybe 11-13 one day the urges were so bad that i acted on impulse & groped a friend, every time i think back to it, i cringe:icon_eek:fair warning:***: this next part is really "raw" & weird-creepy, I remember just being an innocent 4 year old baby & i was in my cousin's dorm room for a visit, he would walk around half naked most of the time..jeez..lord..i..can't believe..i am telling people this..:tears: and i don't know why???? but i would try & chase his behind..for some beyond bizarre reason, i dunno...it just happened, i was never exposed to any kinda sex, it was the very first thing i witnessed to someone naked:help: in addition to that horrid experience, i had to share a bed with my cousin when he stayed with us for sometime, someone would probably say he initiated something perverted..but as a kid i became curious about his body & i was the "pervert" in this scenario..AND, NO!:eusa_naug i was not attracted to my family member. I didn't tell a soul about what i did or my curiosity, that stuff was deeply suppressed to the point that it made me..ill:eusa_sick just for that memory to reappear; there's a lot more to the story,but that the main version. But this..i believe are times when i first thought i was gay, of course at that time a baby doesn't know what that is, & as a foreigner just coming to the states at the time, everything is new. Most people say that 4 years old is too young, but that is not the case, ever since i can't ever remember looking at a girl & feeling something...i just couldn't & growing up and starting school i would act out whatever i felt, like some kids that don't know how to keep their thoughts in check, even saying to one kid i loved him, at that point i was maybe 6 years old, but again; i didn't know the connotations of those words. point is, & sorry for the long story & the shock (hope i am not banned:icon_redf) is that my attraction to dudes can get pretty bad at times were all i think is physical to the point i would wake up with wet dreams & morning wood, which is were my question starts..i obviously am not physically attracted to women..but i do have this weird emotional attraction that i don't think i have with guys..it sounds strange but, i might see a pretty woman or a girl who appears kind & at times it makes feel like tearing up, i don't know if it's a tear of joy or what???, i've never had this with a male, maybe on a rare occasion. does that count as emotional, in the female case? whereas dudes has always been about their body, it would also be nice if i could get a Christians perspective, i am not ready to jump and admit i am gay! i feel it's way too easy & soon, & all i've had are crushes & infatuations. Nothing where i was mad about the person, if i haven't been love struck yet! is there still hope for me & a woman, even if there is no physical attraction, i hear stories that that stuff develops later in the relationship. Please! i can't accept this lifestyle & i need someone who is going through this experience, plus i am not willing to lose my family because of the media, i know i might sound mean, but if there is also a Christian or anyone who has been there & found a solution please respond..please:icon_sad: i can't bare these thoughts, & at the same time watch friends start families & feel awkward around women. I am open to other opinions, i am not a religious nut, but i admit to Catholicism, & i am accepting of others, i just don't want the "typical, accept who you are, whatever, i've heard that too many times, with my history that i have embarrassingly exposed, this is definitely hard to accept, plus my parents wouldn't just be upset, they would be "Armageddon" upset! no happy ending, nothing; were not the Norman Rockwell types! i am just tired of dreaming about dudes on television, in school etc, it also would be quite generous if someone could tell me where my head or orientation is at but honestly...i dunno..i plan on being celibate aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah:tears::tears:.
Hey there, I can see you have a lot on your mind that weighs heavily. Many of us have gone through the same kinds of feelings you have: uncertainly, shame, guilt, feeling disgusting and unworthy, but most of all, loneliness. You are not alone. You are in wonderful company. I would not recommend being celibate. I would recommend thinking through these difficult feelings you have so that you can get to a more stable place emotionally. You are not broken. You can have a healthy romantic and sexual life once you discover yourself and deal with the anxiety. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Hopefully, we can all learn from you and you from us, and we'll grow together. Sorry that I can't really give you a Christian perspective.
It's..ok i don't mind others opinions:icon_wink i just can't stand the whole, accept yourself stuff..i just can't it doesn't help that my discovery to all this was through a family member..ugggh:eusa_sick all i have ever asked of was just to be normal..that is all..it doesn't help that i went through school being picked on cus of my funny voice or wimpy attitude, of course no one at school knew about my attractions..but still. I would like to have a nice ending to this but i don't..thing is my family is my priority & this will destroy them, i don't honestly think i may ever come out at all. I just wanted to come & let out steam. I had plans, hopes & dreams, a possible family..i..just do not know anymore.
Tusker, I understand in a small part how you feel. I was 7 yrs old when I started playing a game called hypnosis. My best friend would *hypnotize* me to do certain things to him like oral sex. This came to include other male friends, to where I would service? many of them up to 5 at a time. I never knew what gay meant just that it was bad. I knew I was different, and I probably would have grown up to identify myself as gay if it weren't for my grandfather who at the same time started to sexually abuse me, I buried my sexual Identity and became straight in thoughts, although I never had a girlfriend. 2 yrs ago I became convinced I was transsexual. Even coming up with a new name and identity. I came out to everyone due to the support I had from friends online. Although I was still believing I was sexually attracted to women. Because I am Traditional Roman Catholic, the backlash was tremendous. In fact I was pretty much thrown back into the closet. I was told that it was all just due to extremely low T, and that once they gave me enough shots I would be *sane* again. For the last two years I have been taking them, and lots of other meds for anxiety, depression, apathy, and PTSD. Suicidal and self harm thoughts were my constant companions. Recently I have run out due to cost and lack of access to T, again with my mannerisms and thoughts began to change. My life was quite hectic at the time, so I ignored them. Then three weeks ago, all I could think about was men, and my libido became incredibly strong and insistence. I felt I was losing my mind, and I was getting so overwhelmed, that I was sure I was heading to a mental breakdown. I had stopped going to church due to the cost to get to a Traditional Latin Mass centre for a few months, and so had no real person to talk to. I couldn't talk to my wife of 12 yrs as she had already gone through so much 2 yrs ago, and for her being disabled and bi polar I didn't want to be part of her suffering again. It was on the night of the September 21st 2012 that the thoughts and all my emotions came to a head, while I was house sitting. I broke down crying non stop in some strangers bathroom in the middle of the night. I remember looking into the mirror, and through my sobs and tears saying out loud I am gay. The feelings and the thoughts came crashing together in a clarity that I have never had and I KNEW, just KNEW I was gay, and that there was no choice or anything about it. Sorry the response is so long. My story was to show you that being Gay, doesn't mean you cannot be Catholic. God created you. He knows you better then you know yourself. His love for you is unequaled on this planet. You just need time to come to terms with the cross he gave you. Being Gay as I have been told *sorry being squeaky new at this I cannot say for myself, but I am learning* is not a curse or some terrible thing. You were made this way, there is no *so called choice* You need to love and forgive yourself Tusker, don't judge yourself too harshly. Being Gay is part of who you are, and it takes time come to realize that. Take time to believe God has made you this truly special person. I am still Catholic, and I am still will always be Gay. People will always judge you. Please don't judge yourself, acceptance of yourself will help you live a better future. Remember you are Loved.
I can totally understand the need to let that out, and I'm glad you did. I just wanted to make sure that your thread was responded to. Usually people get intimidated or don't want to read long posts, so it went like an hour without anyone saying hello, and I didn't want that to happen. I really want you to be happy, which is why I am wondering why you just said "I just can't stand the whole accept yourself stuff." What is your plan if not accepting yourself?
Hey welcome to EC. You have definitely found a great place and if you talk to a few people here you will find people that are both gay and christian, some out already and some in the process of coming out. Have you ever thought of talking to a counsellor about what you are going through, a lot of people find them very helpful?
Tusker, I know you don't want to hear this, and that my story is not like yours, but if I learned something in my life is what you most dispise at this moment: acceptance. I'm 25 years old, but I was 6 when I first used my mother an sister's clothes for the first time. Also 6 when I learned that was an "unacceptable" thing for the rest of the people. I only came to terms with me a couple months ago; that means I lived more than 19 years in denial. I didn't want to admit to myself that dressing like that is what I really wanted, that I really wanted to be a woman instead of a man. I tried to get those toughts away, but they weren't going anywhere. 19 years won't sound a lot, but I feel like it was in another life when I first crossdressed. 19 years of telling me it was ok as long as I didn't think on it, as long as I didn't speak of it ("speak" of something makes it "real"). But at the end, I had to accept it. Because I learned no matter how much time you spend trying to convice yourself of otherwise, you are what you are. Accepting yourself is something that you MUST do at some point in your life (no need to be right now); but different people take different time to come to terms with themselves. Take your own time, but TAKE IT. Also, you don't have to tell your parents just yet. Take your time to accept yourself, and then take your time to tell them. It's a long way, not a matter of just a few days. By the way, another good point in accepting yourself: you'll be happier. Even since I accepted myself, people often tell me I look happier. ME! HAPPIER! While I never lived depressed, I wasn't happy either. Just hearing them amazed me. But then, they were honest. And of course, they don't know the actual reason I'm happier. Hope this help you. And wish you luck.
First of all, it's very apparent that you are gay. It is perfectly normal early on to not want to be that way. Many of us, especially from a religious background, have felt that way at one point in time. The stuff you did when you were younger does not make you a pervert. You were just an innocent and curious child and didn't even know you were doing something "sexual." As for the emotional attraction to women, I thought I had that as well when I was in denial of my sexuality and trying to grab onto any last heterosexual thing I could since women definitely did nothing for me physically. But after I accepted myself and let the walls I'd built up in head down regarding being gay, I started to be able to feel and more importantly, allow myself, to be emotionally attracted to men. It feels so right. Also I feel you don't need to actually be in a relationship with either sex in order to know what you are attracted to. It's quite clear that guys are what you are drawn to. There is not much you can do about that since being gay is an inborn trait that cannot be changed. Going by what all you have said, I don't believe that there is hope for you and a woman, especially if there is no physical attraction and even moreso if there is no real emotional connection either. Being in a loveless and depressing relationship is not worth it, especially if you are just doing it for other people. You only have one life to live and you need to live it for yourself and do what truly makes you happy. I strongly suggest you rethink being celibate. That is no way to live. Being in a loving and committed relationship with another guy is definitely possible and fulfilling. God made you a very unique individual that deserves to be loved and happy like everyone else, you just happen to love the same gender. Also here are 3 movies that might help you. The first one is an actual movie with a great story that has to do with a religious family that has a gay son and how they handle it and the other 2 are more information based regarding christianity and being gay. The third one is pretty in depth and might get boring, which is fine if you feel that way. Prayers For Bobby For The Bible Tells Me So The Gay Debate: The Bible and Homosexuality
Hello and Welcome to EC!! The links that Lance included are great! They really do a good job of exploring being gay and christian.
Yes..and i thank you for the response, I thank everyone who has. I just don't know how it's possible to live in a world where, this stuff isn't exactly norm. People staring at you & people who were close to turning on you :icon_sad: sorry to sound ungrateful..but i had dreams & plans, possibly to have a child, someone who would take after me in every way. I know there's surrogates & whatnot, but..:bang: i just don't know, & not knowing what the future holds doesn't make it any easier.
I'm glad that you found EC and can talk abuot this. Welcome. I hope that you feel better soon. You seem really nice.... and...you can still have hopes and plans, they might even be very much like ones you leave behind...
