Newbie to EC

Hello one and all,

I guess I'm a little older than the majority on this forum, but I don't feel it.
My story is that, believe it or not, I'm one of 15 children, 5 girls and 10 boys (no twins and the same parents).

The problem is that my parents are very religious and pretty much pay no attention to anyone, as all they talk about is religion and god etc etc. They never praise if you do something good, but, my Dad anyway, constantly moans and puts everyone down all the time. Mum just watches the same DVD's from morning to night, the only time they ever go out is to religious meetings.

I'm not out to anyone as both Mum and Dad are totally against homosexuality, even though I believe that our sexuality is firmly instilled into each and every one of us from a very early age - perhaps before we're born.

Because of my upbringing, I know it could have been a lot worse, I'm left with very little self esteem and no confidence at all, I work part-time at a supermarket and also write short stories and novels in my spare time.

I live alone in a tiny flat, the heating is always off as it's too expensive, so in the winter it's freezing. At the weekend I feel useless, as most people go out and have fun with their friends - I don't really have any friends - just acquaintances from when I used to teach the drums (ended up selling my kit as I got behind with the rent) and now I have no car either, so the chances of getting back into music is very low.

I do read short stories online of boys and young men falling in love, and all the fun they have as they go out on dates and hold hands and, just be there for each other through everything, sharing life's up's and down's together - I just wish I could have something like that, but I'm afraid of getting old and living a lonely life by myself until the end.

I've tried moving away, I lived in London for a couple of years, but it was just too expensive. I also went to Brighton to look around for possible work/accommodation, but had the same result - I need to win the lottery to live there!

I try as best as I can to look at the bright side of life, but my daily routine is getting up for work at 4:30am, cycling to work and then being lonely for the rest of the day - I watch a few DVD's - mostly comedies or music related - but I don't really have anything to look forward to.

With such a large family, It's difficult to be honest, I'd love to be open and honest with them, but most are married already and have children, and they have told me they think I must be gay as I'm single STILL! I always say it's lack of money - which is some of the problem.

I know I'm very unlucky with pretty much everything I do, and everyone I know agrees with that, I'd love to turn things around and somehow be happy, but I just cannot see a way.

Apologies for being negative, and I hope to get to know a lot of the members of this forum over time.

Enjoy the rest of your day.

 

Thanks for the replies my new friends, I'm really... really trying my best to focus on writing the next big thing - hoping for a publishing deal!

Dad used to be an alcoholic, but he's now clean, and I take my hat off to him (if I wore one) as it must have taken a hell of a lot to quit, and I go out of my way to help him as he has a serious back problem - I do feel like I should never visit and think about me more, but you only get one set of parents - that said, they only get one set of children they should love; and they never, ever, show it.

Every dating website I've seen requires payment to email potential partners, so that's out of the question - a lottery win would be very welcome right now.

I'll keep smiling and getting on with things but, deep down it just isn't working, bad things could so easily manifest themselves.

I see couples in love and wish that I was straight - it would then be much easier. Although, having a boyfriend kind of seems more fun for some reason; let people talk, it's my... our, way of life.

I just need to know people will accept it - but they won't - and I can't find anyone as everyone I know is 100% straight and talk about tits, football etc etc = nightmare!