I'm feel so stuck

Welcome. You're in the right place.

First, you're far from over the hill. There are plenty of people your age and older who are just coming to terms with their sexuality, and plenty of men your age looking for relationships so you're far from past dating age.

Second, I think I hear you saying that you are likely or probably gay, but having difficulties coming to terms with that. And that's totally to be expected, especially given your religious background. In any process of accepting loss (the loss of the idea you're straight, in this case) there are five stages we go through: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. So it sounds like you're already fairly far along that path, which is a big plus. Do recognize that it's going to take you some time to accept and love yourself for who you are -- whatever orientation that happens to be -- because you've had a lifetime of nonsense fed to you by the LDS church, which has undoubtedly created a lot of shame and discomfort at the idea that you can be a good person, a spiritual person, and still be gay or otherwise have same-sex attractions. So I'd suggest that exploring yourself and learning to love yourself as you are is the first step.

I strongly recommend getting a copy of Joe Kort's amazing "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" It has little to do with finding real love, but everything to do with understanding who you are, and dealing with the shame and guilt associated with accepting same-sex attractions.

From my (limited) knowledge of LDS theology, that may be a challenge, as my understaning is that they are among the most vehemently anti-gay of the organized religions prevalent in the US. I don't know if they still excommunicate gay members, but I know that in the fairly recent past that was pretty common. There is an offshoot group of LDS people who are pro-gay, which I'm sure you could Google.

You might also want to check out the movie "Latter Days", which is an indy film made a few years back about a Mormon missionary and a gay party boy. It's sensitively and thoughtfully put together and it's one of my favorite gay films.

There's also a lot of work to do on the shame associated with growing up with all the anti-gay messages you doubtlessly heard, but I'd focus first on just getting to know yourself.

I hope that helps, please stick around, ask as many questions as you can think of, read some of the threads, and talk about whatever is coming up for you

 

Hi there, and welcome to EC!

If you wanted to, and I can only encourage you to, check out some of the support resources for gay men, available in the St Louis area. Maybe you can find a group in town that offers a safe space where you can be yourself and talk/exchange experiences with others, and where you can feel that you are getting support. Listening to others' expereinces and relating them to ones own, can provide you with some insights - or perhaps even a better understanding about your own feelings.

Of course, also stick around on EC. I'm sure that being part of EC will also help you. Feel free to create threads with any questions that you might have, or with whatever is on your mind, or you feel you need to talk about.

Welcome aboard!