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new and nervous!

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by true2self, Oct 27, 2012.

  1. true2self

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    Here I am, constantly scanning my surroundings, listening for foot steps, from those who may see what I'm writing...or being paranoid, wondering if there could be any anti-privacy issues where somehow where I am or what I'm saying can be seen.... I have NEVER IN MY LIFE spoken as freely as I'm about to. Not in writing, not even to myself. Here goes.

    I'm in my 30's and have been married for over a decade, to a man I knew several years prior to marriage. I am a wife, and a mother. I am also someone who has questioned my...ok, here it goes...sexuality, for as long as I can remember. Early teens, at least. I'll admit something here, when I was a teenager, I could not wait to hit 21, so I could visit the gay bar I knew about, maybe talk to people, actually MEET a "gay person," but once 21 came and went, so did my nerves. I don't know any gay people, ok, I do know one, a guy, but could never ever talk to him about it, even. We don't really talk much, but I remember how courageous I thought he was when he came out, for some reason I knew it beforehand...just a feeling I had. But I knew him before, and after. And see the turmoil coming out has caused in his life.

    I hate labels, I don't know who or what I am, I just know how I feel. And maybe it's just that women "get" other women, and men are just not sensitive to that, of course. But there have been a couple of women in my life I've felt like I...well, didn't just love, but was IN love with. But I questioned myself there, because the love is not sexual. I guess, at this time, I can't see myself having any interest in gay sex. Honestly, sex isn't a big thing in my life anyway...I'm not a sexual being. But I love the closeness I have had with these two particular women. The one in my life now, I'm SURE she's as straight as they come. Yet, at the same time, we have held hands...the type where fingers are intertwined, more of a romantic hand holding, while going for a walk, we have snuggled here and there, and we do kiss each other, although pecks on the cheek, no lip action. Maybe both of us are emerging, I don't know, but she is also married with children too. We do both feel like we're not getting what we desire in our marriages, however. Maybe we're just making up for that together, the cuddles, the hand holding, etc.

    But I have a real desire to be close to women, not men. Maybe I'm just confused. I know I'm confused. But I love being close to women. It's not that way with men.

    Thanks for listening....this is about all I can muster for now!
     
  2. Caudex

    Caudex Guest

    Sex doesn't have to be too big a part of sexuality (the word is misleading.) I'm pretty behind on puberty so I still don't really "get" what people are talking about when they say how great sex is, but I still know I like men. If you're anything like I was, you're in the questioning phase where you keep coming up with excuses. But as I've spent time on here, I've realized that those excuses were steaming piles of grade A horse dung. So, on that note, enjoy your time here!
     
  3. true2self

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    Exactly. I've lived my life trying to be "normal." Well, what others say is "normal." But I have not been ME yet. I feel like there is something missing from my life. I've always felt like that. I love my husband. But like a lot of people say, I am not "in love" with him.
     
  4. FunnyMonkey

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    Hey , I'm Michael I'm new here also. welcome EC.

    My problem was when I started to coming out to myself I did not fit the the standard one size fits all box. None of the labels felt right to me, then I was a video on youtube That said you can have more the one if you want to and you don't have to say to that label if you don't want to. They also said we should do away with all the labels and just call our self sexual.

    I still don't know myself . If you want to talk feel free too.

    Welcome !! :smilewave
     
  5. true2self

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    Michael, your post is awesome! Yeah, stupid me, I've been trying to read other people's posts, even stupid descriptions. Thought maybe it was "girl crushes" I was having. But, although not sexual, I don't think that's it. Maybe if I was true to myself it would eventually end up that way, but who knows. It is feeling good to find a place to go, where I can talk about my feelings, and read others, and realize that, although I am missing something in my life, I'm not alone. You're right though, I have to come out to myself first, realize who I am, before I can go any further. Labels are for soup cans...that's AWESOME! I wouldn't mind seeing that video if you are able to share it. Or at least tell me what to look for on You Tube. I don't know if links are allowed or not. Maybe I'll look for it....
     
  6. Welcome :slight_smile:
    People here will help you out.
     
  7. AlexisAnne

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    Welcome aboard :slight_smile:
     
  8. Ducked

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    I completely understand where you're coming from. I've watched a friend of mine (she's 37) come out of a fairly nasty divorce (no children involved though) to then come out as a lesbian. She always tells me it's completely mental/emotional and that the physical attraction comes out as a result of that. I think for women we need to be really into someone emotionally to actually want anything physical from them anyway (regardless of gender). I recommend Naomi Wolf's book Vagina (sounds bizarre, but this book has changed my whole perspective on sex, my self image etc) because that goes really into how our mental/physical selves are connected and may explain some things to you.

    With my girlfriend, who's 36, we're fairly physically into each other - but I don't doubt that's because we spent months before we even really fell for each other in that sense, just chatting and exploring each others thoughts. That's a powerful thing.

    Anyway :slight_smile:. Welcome!
     
  9. Rachyl

    Rachyl Guest

    This I understand. As I just ended a 14 yr relationship and 12 yr marriage to a wonderful woman I love, yet don't love romantically. I didn't really understand the difference until I came out to myself as gay.



    BTW Welcome to the very special place called the EC :wink:
     
  10. whitwhit82

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    I'm just now coming to terms with my sexuality and I'm new to EC as well. After years of trying to deny my feelings, I'm finally realizing it's ok to acknowledge my attraction to women. I'm still terrified. It took a LOT for me to admit it to myself. Then one day, I finally decided to take the plunge and tell my therapist. We had talked about my feelings toward women before, so I knew it wouldn't be a huge shock to her. However, to say it outloud was very hard. It seemed to make it real and that scared me. But after I actually said it outloud, I felt relief mixed with fear. The fear didn't go away. It's still there, but I'm so proud of myself for facing that fear head on. I'm still not ready to come out to others. I know, though, that one day I'll be ready. I think the important thing to remember is everyone has to go at his or her own pace. I sometimes regret that I didn't face this sooner, but I just wasn't ready. It doesn't matter how long each of us take, the important thing is that we get there.
     
  11. MC Nickayyy xD

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    Welcome to everyone who said they're new, feel free to add me and pm me, I would really love to talk about this ^_^
     
  12. FunnyMonkey

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    Looks like the are pretty strict about that I really wish I could .Sorry
    as find as finding that video.(*hug*)
     
  13. BradThePug

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    Hello and Welcome!!
     
  14. Tibbs90

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    Welcome. I know how you feel. Society has a way of making you want to be "normal". Normal isn't the same for everyone. I'm 40 and still have times when I see guys that I would want to be with. Harder yet, I'm also divorced, and still in the closet. I also have gender and religion issues also. You'll find some good friends on here that will always listen.
     
  15. Ticklish Fish

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  16. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC.