I'm still totally in the closet, but looking to open up soon. I've known I was gay since I was a toddler or small child. Never come out to anyone, and don't personally know anyone who is LGBT. So this is a little bit strange to me. Always been kind of a loner, and I only have one or two close friends. Figured a decent forum would be a great first step for me, and so here I am. Looking for a decent community to learn from, and share my woes.
And yet another Minnesotan joins our ranks here. Welcome to EC. Be sure to say hi to Shiromay on here. He's still having a hard time coping with the fact that other people from our state exist online. Once again, welcome. I hope you enjoy yourself here
Welcome to EC, Juggalo. I'm pretty new myself but I've enjoyed my stay here so far. I'm sure you will, too. Looking forward to seeing you around the forum.
Thanks people! I really appreciate it. There is so much good will here, it is amazing. I've been so happy since I found this site, I was thinking about it all day today. I was comfortable with myself before I came here, but figured it was extremely unhealthy that I am comfortable with who I am but still in the closet. Now I just need to find a way to work up the courage to come out without having a panic attack. I'd like to throw some info about myself out there to help describe my situation. Just so ya'll can get to know me. I have known I was gay since I was a little kid, and I have just always instinctively hid it from others. I am a very private person, and the word I hear most to describe me is intense. Second would be intimidating, but thats probably because, as my username shows, I am a juggalo and I guess most people fear clowns. Being a juggalo marks me as something besides gay that many people hate, and it took me a while to kinda sort that out with myself. I have just as much pride for being a juggalo as I do for being gay, which I guess is weird because I have never even heard of a gay juggalo before LOL. The process of becoming a juggalo and meeting others like me actually HELPED me become at ease with who I was. Before that, I spent the vast majority of my childhood and early teenage years with large amounts of self loathing and depression. Totally sucked. But I am mostly over that BS sad crap, because eff that. Once I realized that I wasn't actually depressed because of my life, but because of the depression that runs in my family, my life comepletely turned around for the better. Just because some nueron in my brain doesn't work right doesn't mean I can't be happy! I stopped being a loner and actually put out the effort to make friends, and to my suprise at the time, I discovered that people actually wanted to be near me! It was awesome. Up until that point I had had maybe 1 person I would call an actual friend in my entire life. Now, I have oodles. It is still overwhelming to me at times, due to my depression and antisocail problems, but ya gotta gotta risk it sometimes. I currently live on my own, which is awesome because I can totally come out of my shell and be me. Don't have to be on edge all the time (although I suppose if I just came out I wouldn't be on edge lol). The way I see it, only 4 things are holding me back from coming out. 1. I had a grand mal last year from huge amounts of stress, and was told I need to relax or it would happen again. So I am kinda scared I'll try to tell someone and just flop around on the ground screaming instead. 2. I still don't have many friends, but the ones I do have are, IMO, for life. Pretty sure hey'd all be ok with it, but I tend to have nightmares about how they would change their behaviour around me. I don't want that. 3. My work environment. My job requires I get along well with everyone, even if I hate them. I've gotten pretty good at acting since I've been in the closet for 26 years, but I am uncomfortable with the idea of an uncomfortable work environment for myself and others. 4. My female friends already try to get me shopping all the goddamn time. I am so far from the fabulous side of the gay scale, if I had to sit around while they spend six hours finding a bra or something, I'd go to jail for arsony. I'm not a stereotype, damnit! XD I also read like three novels a week. So I might hang out in the book section of the site a lot. Sorry for the rambliness, using an xbox chatpad blows, and it just feels so good to get some of this crap off my chest I kinda forget where I am going sometimes. What, is there a shortage of minnesotans on here? I'd expect them to be all over the place on a forum, we can't stop talking in this state.
