I am so glad to have found this list, because I really need help and advice. I apologize in advance for the lengthy post below. I am a very frustrated gay man being honest for the first time about it at age 38. At least I believe I am gay, because I have only ever been attracted to males. Long story as short as I can make it: I grew up in a very conservative religious family and town. The only permissible path to sex I knew was to get married to a woman first. Realizing I might be gay at around age 18, I prayed desperately to God to remove the "sinful urges" and then simply repressed my sexuality completely when God didn't help me out. I had no one to talk to about this issue and so I simply bottled it up deep inside for two decades. I met a woman whom I would shortly marry, hoping that would fix me, and finally had sex for the first time at age 24 with her. We have attempted sex no more than a couple dozen times in the fourteen years we have been together, because I find the female body repulsive. I have felt nothing but shame and self-loathing about sex for my whole life. I felt cursed and like it was my fault. I thought that if I just tried harder I could learn to find women attractive. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing, because I was taught that homosexuality is a choice and I didn't want to make that choice because it would be abnormal, perverse, and immoral. It was always easy for me to pass as straight because I was straight-acting and good at sports and guy stuff. In the meantime, I became a full-blown alcoholic for the past 20 years mainly over this issue and am filled with unspeakable resentment and bitterness. I have been sober for over six months now and it is impossible to repress my sexuality any longer without the aid of alcohol. It pains me to see the damage I have done to myself and especially to my long-suffering wife, but for the past two decades I truly felt like I had no choice. I have never had any sexual contact with another male. I am extremely frustrated and I feel broken and hopeless. Now I am in the unenviable position of having to start at the very beginning to learn about my own sexuality in midlife. It is very difficult to find people to talk to about this, since it seems like most people deal with these issues in their teens or early twenties. I would very much like to hear advice from anyone who waited until midlife to deal with their sexuality.
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I'm not in the categorization that you requested, but have you ever thought about speaking to a therapist that way these thoughts, urges, and possibilities are confidential until they're clear and you can come to an understanding with them?
I'm not from the categorization that you requested either, but I think it's especially more important for those who have families and who come out later in life to take the process slowly. I think you should let your wife know what you have been going through and try to work things out gently. I have read other stories from members who have had the experience of coming out to their wives, and although the whole process sounds tough, you can still remain friends with your wife and still love her. But I think you owe yourself some happiness and closure by expressing who you truly are. There's nothing wrong at all with homosexuality, and as someone who grew up in a secular environment, I find it completely baffling that those under the religious persuasion can so strongly argue against homosexuality just because it was written down (presumably) by some dead person thousands of years ago. Inevitably, what is being taught in religion today has been molded by politicians and clergymen and whomever else with power over the course of centuries to reflect their personal interests. Enough with the religious tangent. I just hope you find peace with your future. If you need to talk, that's what any and everybody here is for.
Welcome! Kind of get how you feel and what your going through, read my blog posts. Grew up I'm a super strict religious household I am only 31 but I knew I was gay at a young age, and up until about 27 I suppressed it with drinking, partying, just not really caring about life. It was a slow downward spiral, and I got to the point where I simply had to be true to myself. I have never felt more liberated then I do now. It's like the world is no longer crushing me. It's a long process, and it's a slow process, but it sounds like for your happiness you need to start coming to terms with who you are. May not be easy, but it probably will the single most important thing you do in your life. There are many members here that have/had the same situations we do. You've come to the right place. Welcome.
