The very outgoing and blunt side of me made me join a site like this. I'm trying new things, and I'm about to summarize a few things, haha: -I'm gay -I'm 17 -Everyone knows I'm gay -I recently had a fallout with my mother -I recently started seeing a therapist I came out very abruptly in 8th grade and virtually everyone hated me. Years later people are calling me the king of my town and I can get away with saying anything or doing anything. My life has been going by fast and it's crazy, I'm just trying to slow down and figure myself out, hence why I'm seeing a therapist now and why I joined this site. My therapist says even though I put myself out there, I'm in denial about being gay. And I totally agree. Maybe it's because I've grown up in a small, conservative town. Regardless, I'm hoping you guys will help or just the environment will help me a little. I love food, specifically Chinese. I play video games (like League of Legends) and I love music (alternative rock, indie). Well that was a weird introduction. Oh yeah and call me Justin.
Hi, Justin! Welcome to EC, I think you'll find this little community to be a great resource! If you don't mind sharing, what's going on for you that your therapist describes you as "in denial about being gay"?
Hello, hon... Hopefully you'll enjoy this site. For me so far, so good. I'm kind of curious too... If you came out years ago, then why denial?? Like... are you dating women or something??
Hey Justin, Welcome aboard. This is a fantastic place to share and receive tons of feedback from a huge range of perspectives. I hope you like it here.
You sound like a pretty cool guy, and contrary to your intro title, not at all awkward. I'm anxious also to see your therapist's reason to say you're in denial about it. Because being out of the closet and telling everybody you like guys is about as non-denial-like as I can imagine.
The in denial thing is pretty complex. It's the whole judgmental thing. I exhaust myself to make sure everyone likes me or I entertain everyone. I hate the fact that I'm gay. When I meet someone I have a fear of scaring people away because I'm gay. I think (at this moment) it'd be weird if I went around and called some of the guys at my school attractive. That's weird to me. And I wouldn't want to do it because it might give someone a negative opinion of me. It's mostly internal stuff. I never had the chance to internally deal with my sexuality, usually when I start overthinking about it I try my hardest to avoid the issue by piling on my work or finding something else to do. I use the analogy of my coming out as throwing myself into the deep end of the pool. Yeah I came out on the outside but I still haven't on the inside. If that makes sense. I would love to talk to people by the way, I don't have really any resources for my sexuality and I'm really trying to decipher everything.
Justin, I have a couple of thoughts for you. First, don't put too much stock in what other people think of you. Not everyone is going to like you, and they don't have too, but there are plenty of people that will. If someone is "scared off" by your being gay, think of it as their loss as they won't get to know what a wonderful person you are. I suppose for a while I too hated the fact that I am gay. Ultimately it doesn't change anything though, and at some point I had to simply accept it and embrace it. I think you will too. Just give it some time. It is actually pretty liberating to look at yourself in the mirror and say out loud "I am gay" Second, are some of the guys at your school attractive? I bet they are. Once again, don't worry too much about what other people think. Believe me I know about over thinking situations. It is so easy to do. You seem like a really sharp person. To continue your analogy, you are already in the deep water, so relax, take a deep breath, and realize that you are still afloat. Coming out to yourself can be particularly emotional and confusing. Take it slow, and please stay in touch.
Justin, what you're experiencing is totally normal for anyone in the process of coming out, and I think you'd really benefit from checking out the work of Brené Brown, a brilliant researcher and clinical social worker who has studied shame, vulnerability, belonging, and what she calls "wholehearted living" for the past 12 years. Basically, the desire to please and be liked stems from shame; basically, a fundamental fear that we are not worthy of love and belonging, and aren't "enough" (good enough, smart enough, loveable enough, smart enough, whatever it is.) Shame is something that everyone has; the less we talk about it, the more we have it. And perfectionism, workaholism, and the like are also byproducts of shame, because we do them out of a desire to be liked, to belong, to be "good enough." And while everyone has shame, LGBT people have an "extra serving" because we are subjected to the constant homophobic messages of media, politics, religion, and often our family and friends. But the antidote to shame (and to perfectionism, "fitting in" behaviors, and the like) is to talk about it, own it, and let our selves be seen as we are, to love ourselves as we are. Easier said than done, but that's the single most important piece there is. I strongly recommend taking an hour and watching the following three videos (about 18 minutes each.) Dr. Brown's work speaks directly to these issues, and her presentation is interesting and funny. If you find that you connect to her work, I can recommend some of her books as well. [youtube]X4Qm9cGRub0[/youtube] [youtube]_UoMXF73j0c[/youtube] [youtube]psN1DORYYV0[/youtube]
Thanks everyone for the help! Chip you're awesome haha. Totally makes sense and I understand it better now. Thanks for the videos too, always good to see/hear things from a different perspective!
Hi Justin, your introduction actually gave me a whole new perspective on myself, especially with Chip's comments and videos... Wow, that makes perfect sense to me and I think I fit that mold to the T... Not sure how to deal with it... Yet... But it's a start :dry: A special thanks to both of you!!!