I'm NEW!

I just found this site last night and thought I have a unique story of coming out.
It's a very long one so I won't bore you with it all today, but:

I came out later in life after being married to a women for 18 years. I always knew I was gay but because of the location of where I was, the time it was, and the people and there Ideoligies I was around when I was young I couldn't break free because of fear.
There are so many details, stories, and situations which constantly tormented me. I couldn't tell anyone my true feelings for young men, or men at the time.
But then it finely was apparent that I had to come out.
Once when my wife and I were having sex she asked me if I was gay. I lied and said no.
Come on - you can't hide all your life.
As a young man I joined a radical fundimentalist group which was homophobic. Most my friends who were in the group still are - we don't talk. I wanted to know about my inner spirit and taking away all the distractions at the time, 'of the world', and concentrating on spirit helped me to be a better person. BUT the price was dieing out to the physical aspects of who I was.
I relized finely I needed, craved the touch of another male.
But how to break away from all the world I was surrounded by wasn't encouraged.

I was working on an Alpaca Ranch in Oregon when I took some recycling into town one day, and when I lifted the paper bin lid there was some straight porn. I was faithful, never cheated on my wife, but this was so tempting. I took the porn and went back to the barn and beat off eyeing the men. I felt like 14 years old but was decades older.
That began the coming out adventure.
I was teaching at Primitive skills gatherings, which my wife wouldn't attend with me. We seemed not to do things together much anymore. When she got a ticket to go to Ohio to see her mother. That was the final moment for me with her.
I bought a pizza, and some wine and went to an Azalea Park in Eugene, Oregon and as the wine did it's magic, I told her I always liked men more then women. All she said was "be careful". She got on the bus and I never have seen her again. That was May 10, 2002. After that I moved to Wolf Creek Gay Men's Sanctuary in S. Oregon and began to catch up on lost time; learning how to BE a gay man.
Two years ago I moved to San Fransisco and am still very much learning and growing as a WHOLE PERSON now. I started at 14 years old and am now in my late 20's to late 40's in the learning curve.
It all has been exciting, and I can't regret coming out later; because I would be dead if I came out then.
I just want to encourage men - young and older to follow their hearts and use their minds to understand how every action can affect your life's existance. And that life changes occur. They're not something which are BAD, but rather are there for our renewed life and growth, teaching us wisdom and understanding for ourselves and all around us.
Please just be yourself... And if I can encourage anyone - really - let me know. It's been a long journey...

Randy

 

Never had kids. Just as well it would have been hard.
I did want a boy to take hiking, camping and to teach nature to. She said that who knows he may have just wanted to do video games.

 

In response to the question about what my wife felt: She was ready to find TRUE Love.
I couldn't provide whay she needed.
On top of what I told you is that I met her in a fundimentalist religious cult and after we split up she was able to connect with and ethiopian man. I'm so happy for her.

She did say "why didn't I tell her sooner". Yes, it was hard for her to start over but often forced with lifes' harder changes, it's like rain to a dry desert which can produce a most awesome spring floral display. And plants all flower in different seasons. we were just late bloomers.

 

I'd like to thank everyone who read 'my story' on coming out. I wonder at times: 'who cares?' But you who responed did make me feel welcome.
Thanks.
One of my biggest learnings came about 2 years after I came out.
Seems I hadn't acquired self esteem. And until I was faced with the posibility of testing positive for HIV, and sinking to the depths of who cares? Did I realize my close friends did care and I was important.
Happily I'm negetive and able to hold my head high now.

Just when you think youv'e got what you need to be ALL together, there's something to jerk you towards learning another important lesson. Thanks life...