Looking for support! Confused and alone

So back in high school is when my feelings for girls started – starting with my bff. I remember writing lyrics, and even hiding a flower bouquet in my guitar case on separate occasions. I’d always want to hang out with her alone but then when I did I’d get mad at myself because I’d get too emotionally attached to her. I’d get so jealous of her bfs. Anyway once upon a time she thought she was bisexual (she’s now straight), so I thought it was a good idea to write a love letter for her.

I remember when I wrote it I cried so hard on it because I didn’t know if I was lying to myself about my crush on her – I just felt horrible but its like I knew I had to do it. Needless to say she burnt the note in front of my face and that was that. Funny enough at one point she even wanted me to make out with her so I could “teach her” for her bf but I never did because I didn’t think I could take being used.Dumb me I’m still her friend to this day – even though I swear she still purposely screws with me. She even claims that since she got through her “phase” she believes I’m kidding myself with the gay thing.

When I told my mom about the whole thing with my bff and told her I may be bisexual she said I was confused. She said also blaimed my friend for exposing me to bisexuality and told me that it was a phase and that I had confused infatuation for something more. I was crushed and still managed to cry on my mom’s shoulder for 2 months. Needless to say she still thought I was straight but confused. It was such a dark time in my life that I spent the rest of my high school days trying to “rebuild” our “friendship” and compensate by throwing myself onto guys hoping sparks would fly. I avoided openly gay people like the plague. Ironically I got butterflies for another girl and that only made me more depressed – I could only hope university was better.

I ended up staying living at home to go to a university in my own town – partly to avoid my bff. Stupid thing is that she still wants to live with me when we graduate. I have to say that when we visit each other I never want to let her go and always have the urge to kiss her – it sucks.

So lucky me in university I meet this other girl that is amazing on my first day – really cute so I knew I had to avoid her because I’m supposed to be straight somehow. Anyway so in one class she mentioned that she’s had lesbian roommates. I got even more so anxious I started avoiding her altogether.

Needless to say I eventually let her in and she’s even more amazing than I thought. She’s hilarious, smart, humble, super nice and ambitious – yes I realize it’s infatuation. I can’t figure out why but I also can’t stop eyeing her either. It sucks at times when I don’t see her for a while I think I’m okay back to safe zone but when I see her I melt. I can’t say I actively sexually fantasize about her but I get all romantic in my head – I feel so depressed.

Thing is that like I have a bf now. I like him a lot, in the very least as a friend or for how much he loves me – like I love the way he looks at me. However I feel guilty because I know he loves me more than I ever will. I’m no gold star so I have been intimate with him – he’s my first. However I can’t ever gather my thoughts around him or calm myself down – I often drift to thinking about girls. When I do tune into him its good but only momentarily. Usually I’m the one who initiates it – usually when I got anxious from seeing girls I like but I quickly start dreading my decision to start - otherwise I don't want him and I'm super awkward around him.

I know I probably don't like him like that but I always rationalize to myself that I haven't found the right guy or haven't given it enough time. All I know is that I use be suicidal when the thoughts started coming back and becoming amplified in university - I just can't handle that and the possibility of letting him go to explore - it scares me so much

I’ve also had another bf in college. He had the worst libido so I’d get angry at him because he paid no attention to me but I think that might have to do with me rushing into things to test myself with guys and over compensate. Funny enough I use to think he was gay.

Maybe I'm still in denial but I also started noticing other girls – which only got worst with time – same with the paranoia and countless instances of rationalizing. I have tried the gay bar but I felt all the girls aren't my taste – plus I knew way too many people there and I’m not ready for confrontations. Online dating is somehow a turn off. I still hold on to the dream that hopefully I just haven’t met the right man. I want the American dream with kids and a normal lifestyle. Ironically I’m afraid of getting disappointed and turning out straight later on if I decide to come out gay now

Lastly my current bf nows that I’m confused but still thinks I’m straight somehow! Doubting never stops. FML What do you think?

SORRY FOR THE LONG POST