Hi.

I'm not exactly sure how to say this, but I found this site completely by accident. To cut it short, my name is not Niqk, nor Nick or Nicholas. My first name is somewhat common to be honest but after much deliberation I realized I'd be a lot more comfortable not using my first real name, but if you want to relate to me you can call me anything you want. I don't really mind. This is my story, I apologize if I put up a lengthy post but trust me I have a lot to say.

First of all, I am 21 years and male, and as you might have guessed I am gay. I have known about this from a very young age, in fact I've had feelings which can be considered homosexual from the age of seven. At that age, I didn't even know what sex was and genitals were just something used for urinating or dirty things to look at, or so we were informed by our parents. Sex is a taboo subject from where I come from, although it isn't as frowned upon as it always was here. Homosexuality however is a bit of a picky issue.

The reason I am sharing my story is because I have had suicidal problems in the past months, and through the help of various brilliant volunteers in a site called The Samaritans I was able to have a slight improvement. I no longer self-harm, and I genuinely haven't thought about killing myself for quite sometime. In case you're wondering, those problems emerged from 1.) Excessive lonliness 2.) My alcoholic father (who seems to be improving on that part) and his broken and unhappy relationship with my likewise unhappy mother 3.) They're both homophobic 4.) Something I'm going to mention in the second paragraph 5.) Excessive bullying and neglect when I was young 6.) Very awkward social life and as for 7.) I'll get to it in a bit. Don't worry about my safety, trust me when I say things were much, much worse months before. The Samaritans helped me more than I could have hoped and I maintain contact literally every day most of the time. I'm even scheduling an appointment with a counsellor at my University, about my sexuality and studying problems anyway. My life seems to be changing, very slightly admittedly, but it's changing. But I have to address my sexual orientation.

I first had sex when I was twelve years old with an older boy. It wasn't exactly rape, but I didn't exactly consent to what he did to me and made me do to him. Unfortunately under our law (I'm studying to become a lawyer here) he was not at an age to be prosecuted and rape also requires forceful entry+violence here (there was no penetration, and it was entirely oral sex) and I'm talking of years ago which I don't want to revisit. To cut it short, the experience left me with a lot of confused sexual desire. I had been gay, but now I was even more lustful than ever. And that led to unhappy consequences especially when the boy told the whole form I exposed myself to him and left what he'd been doing out, leaving me to be bullied. Living in a small island, if you go to college, you're going to come face to face with your old school mates so it's rather embarrassing. I unfortunately developed several crushes on 4 boys, all of which I considered friends, when I was 16 and 17 (we were all the same age at the time) and unfortunately for me, they realized or suspected how I saw them and I was very emotionally hurt with the way they reacted. I didn't expect them to accept it, but they could have been a little more understanding and less violent verbally. Given my size and frame, no one ever physically touched me or picked a fight with me. At 13-14 I had already put on quite a growth spurt.

I never told anyone about my sexual orientation, except in my email to the Samaritans apart from someone I genuinely love, whose name is Luke. Luke and I met in last year, we didn't talk very often but I helped him with notes and stuff of that kind. I was sad when he failed and ended up repeating the year, meaning that he was no longer in my class. At that time I saw him just as a friend. Months later I found out he was gay and my reaction was naturally followed by a bout of masturbation in the privacy of my room. After much consultation with a volunteer from the Samaritans I told Luke, and he promised to keep it a secret. Unfortunately I didn't get what I was hoping out of him, after that I just fell in love with him. He's kind, he's funny, very conversational and interesting at times, certainly confident and open to everyone. He's also very, very good looking. Being a year younger than me I hoped that we could get on, but we don't see each other that often. I can't wait outside his class to talk to him because my cousin is in his class and if she sees me with him too often than it would be risking exposure. So we just message through FB.

Luke recently found out that I was interested in him and he suggested that I stop posting links or suggestive posts in case someone guessed. He said he didn't mind my attentions. I was elated that he finally 'saw' me. Then I felt depressed because he said he didn't 'mind'. As in indifferent? I love him, and I just wish we would get together. And I'm not talking about sex, even though he is into that sort of thing and I am as well, but I love him and spending time together would be good for both of us. I really do love him and think about him very often, I don't message him too much since it would bother him. He is the only gay person I know. Or met. That's why I went in here, to see what people like me go through and how they cope etc.. Luke is not introverted or anything and he didn't hesitate to tell his parents.

It's really late at the moment so I'll have to cut my post short, if you have questions I'll clarify tomorrow. I typed erratically and probably added a lot of things I shouldn't have and made it sound more serious than it actually is, and left out things I should have added.

Don't worry about my safety or anything, there are people, even though we've never actually met, have helped me change my life for the better in a few ways. I'll respond to questions and so on etc. tomorrow Good night

 

Thank you.

The plain truth is that he has probably been one of the nicest people to me. I have never been in a relationship before and I doubt I will ever be. I am a bit of a misanthrope when it comes to crowds, very awkward socially (I recently joined the University gym to try and fight that part of me), I am not good-looking or as good-looking as I hope to be. I also cover up as much as I can, I cut my arms and chest often when I was 16-17 and going through a rough time at college and home. The scars obviously healed now, but a few are faintly visible.

Luke has always been moaning to me about never having anyone in his life, even though he's been out to everyone and I'm sure he's been with other men before, but they chucked him after they made out. I think he's only just realized now that I was interested in him, but we hardly meet at all physically so until I can confront him it isn't going anywhere.

The thing is, I am 21 years old, and I finally met someone who is in some ways, exactly like me and knows how hard it is in a society like ours to accept who you are, and be public about it. For the first time in my life I actually feel in love with someone and I'm very confused about Luke. Ever since I told him I don't know if he's doing it on purpose but he's been posting a lot of FB profile pictures of him minus his shirt. Not sure if that's a coincidence or he's just being a flirt. However, I have to say that at least he was honest about keeping it quiet. I just don't think he liked it when I told him the way my family would react.

My parents sometime think that being gay is the equivalent of using Drugs. They have softened their views slightly, my father in particular ever since he saw the X Factor (USA) audition of Jason Brock and realized that gay people can actually be nice and normal like everyone else. But what if he knew his own son was also gay? That changes things. He wouldn't like that, and would feel also guilty, since in his rages, spurred by his drinking he called me amongst other things, a 'faggot' various times. My mother is different, she thinks gays are more of a freak than he does. But she would be the one to adjust easiest to it, something tells me that anyway. As for the relatives on my mother's side, they would consider it a matter of deepest shame. I don't care what they think except that I know they would take it out on my mother.

As for me, I don't even have a profile pic of me, just of a tree. I use FB just to message him, and a few people I would call 'friends' except I've come to realize several months ago that I have no friends. The awkward situation of moral domestic violence, bullying, indecent assault probably made me the awkward adult I am today. I lack motivation in copious amounts.

 

Would like to thank people in general here for being so friendly, it's very interesting to see the stories of other people who are like me. Over here, people who are homosexual are projected as being soft, very feminine, and which you can normally tell about a mile off. They're basically the stereotype, I didn't accept the truth for 11 years even though deep down I knew it was true, which made it worse. Living in a homophobic family made it twice as bad, and made me more desperate to try and change, which obviously wouldn't work. Then a few years ago I just gave up and accepted myself for who I am. A month ago I actually told someone, since he was gay, and understood the whole condition, it made it much easier.


Thanks for this site I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. Except Luke, but I don't want to ask him too many questions.

 

Don't get the wrong impression, we aren't dating. I'm not sure how to actually ask him out and I sometimes wonder if I should just ask him out later this month after our exams before it is too late.

---------- Post added 4th Jan 2013 at 07:36 AM ----------

Thank you. It's such a relief to know that I am not alone. My parents aren't as homophobic as they used to be but they are so complicated sometimes I just can't get the grasp. But I know they are going to react badly.

 

But if you do live in the same house, the chances of them finding out are quite high. And I don't want to keep a relationship I might end up having a secret.

 

He is from China so the answer is obvious. His first language is Russian xD

 

I'd rather not say, not yet. The place I'm from is literally very small, in Europe.

I don't know much about gays in China but I do know that some Islamic countries consider it a crime and will put you in jail unless you are killed before that happens :/

 

Yeah, but his first language would be Chinese, not Russian. That would fall under second or foreign language. (!) (!)