Hi everyone, my name's John and I live in France, more precisely in a little town of East. (I'm still learning english but I'll do my best to avoid typos and mistakes! \o/) I'm 17 and I found out I was gay since... primary school if I remember correctly, which may seem a bit early... I think. I learnt really quick to hide my true feelings and put a mask to protect myself and avoid conflicts. It then became some kind of reflex, to just smile and pretend everything was fine. But last year, with some unavoidable events, it became worse and worse, until I just couldn't hide my pain anymore. One of my best friends saw it and just kept questionning me for a couple of months until I finally spoke. She looked at me and said "So...?". I was shocked, and she was just standing there, waiting. When I finally managed to speak, she just said "I knew it, you can't hide a thing from me. Didn't you get it ages ago?" and then started laughing. I smiled, still shaking, and just couldn't find the words to thank her as much as I wanted. The next day, I also had to came out to a second friend (who's a guy, this time :lol: ) and he just kept helping and reassuring me. But this only worked at school. Even now, at home with my mother around, I just feel oppressed, more and more depressed and sometimes I just want to jump out of the window and get rid of everything. I was born in a muslim family, and even though they don't pray, etc..., the religious beliefs are still here, they just make my life a living hell without even knowing it. I want to tell them. I want it so bad, but I'm afraid. I'm terrorized by their reaction. When I told them I didn't believe in god or anything else, half of them was having a heart-attack and the other half was giving me one. I don't even dare to imagine what would happen if I told them I was gay... ... And I think I wrote enough for this time >< It's somehow the first time I want to talk about my life and that I will ACTUALLY do it, since I've always hated bothering people with my problems, even my closest friends... I know it's stupid, they already told me they want to help me but... I don't even know how to explain it... I'm all confused, I need to talk about everything, I think I'll write a book :bang: Anyway, I found this little piece of Heaven a week or maybe two weeks ago, and I hope someday I could be able to put my ideas in order (but for now, I'm just going to rest and think about it) (!)
Hey John your story rang a lot of bells for me. except the first time I ever came out to anyone was last summer. it was to a female friend of mine, when i was talking about how I fell for this guy but could never talk about openly in public because of the homophobic and non tolerant atmosphere around. I never told her it was a "he" I was in love with, but she figured it out and kept pushing me until i came out. next was a guy friend I met and we instantly became friends. he asked me point blank if i was gay, and i said well maybe I am and maybe I am not, later on i came clean and he was very supportive and accepting. no more than 4 or 5 people know about my sexuality and Im still waiting to be fully ready to come out.
Wow, for a second I thought "Hey, why are you talking to yourself?" and, even if I know there's a lot of people out there, I must say I'm surprised to find someone with a story which looks like mine And by the way, thank you for being the first one welcoming me here! (I don't really know what else to say - I never do, so here's 2 guys playing table tennis : ( ﾟ-ﾟ)_ρ ┳┻┳ﾟσ彡(ﾟoﾟ ) )
Hi John Welcome to EC. Sorry to hear about your family; hopefully EC will give you all the strength needed to deal with that. I'm looking forward to reading that book Stick around, read on, but don't hesitate to add your story. People around here like reading others' experiences. Although we seem isolated in our own real lives, knowing people like us exist gives us all a lot of strength So write even if just for the sake of writing.
Thanks Dalmatian! I know EC will quickly become a second family that will help me getting through life problems, just like I wish I'd do the same for others, so at the very moment the words come to me, I won't hesitate a second
