I'm new - and here is my novel :)

I wrote this up before I joined the site. I find myself writing when I've got too much going on in my head to keep in order. Its long, but I hope its not too boring. Thanks in advance if you make it all the way through, and I appreciate any thoughts or kind words. In any case, I'm glad I found this site and I look forward to giving support where its wanted and receiving it when I need it. Enjoy! (or maybe not )


Oh boy, oh boy, where to begin.
Age: 23
Location: Arkansas
Sex: male
Gender: somewhere near the middle of the spectrum
Orientation: Bisexual

I started masturbating when I was something near 12 or 13, and I cant really remember how old I was when I started getting bi-curious, probably 16 or so. Should I like boys or girls? Today I’m feeling kinda horny for… Someone help!

But wait, that’s sex, isn’t it? That’s not what this is about. That’s not why I’m here. I’m here because of who I am, not who I want to do it with.

Someone help! I’m here because I feel crushingly alone. I’m here because I want someone to send me a smiley face, since I can’t get a hug over the internet (someday!). I’m here because I’m so tired of thinking about my life, and how alone I am. I’m here to just throw it all out there so I can feel a little better, and maybe someone else can relate and feel a little better too. I wanna tell you my story

For me, the big issues in my life haven’t been about sexuality. They’ve been about living up to my own expectations, and the perceived expectations of my friends and family. I’m a MAN! Or at least a male… (I mean, I do keep a gnarly beard ) But I don’t always feel that way. In my mind, warped as it is, masculinity is about unbounded confidence, acting disinterested or unaffected, feeling attractive no matter how ugly we all know you are, being big and strong, exerting influence over others (in any variety of ways). Truth is, I’m not any one of those things! But I’ve got a penis. Where does that leave me?

At the start of high school, when I really started thinking about this stuff, I thought “Keep waiting; your time will come. Someone will understand and accept you.” Then high school was over. Then college started and I thought “Finally, time to get the *%$@ out of here. Ahhh college, the best years of life, I’ll meet someone and have sex and I wont be so damn pathetic any more.” Then college ended, too. And I’m still a virgin and still very much on my own. And I am oh so tired of waiting for my time.

I always knew that I wasn’t a man’s man. I mean, I’m always choking back tears at those specials on ESPN about unlikely heroes and stories of disabled people beating the odds. Also, I love plants and I think they awesome and beautiful and will play a role in my life’s purpose. My idea of a perfect day is watching the sunrise, walking for miles, botanizing, birdwatching, taking some pictures, watching the sunset, and then watching the stars. Maybe mix in a J or two if I’m alone or in consenting company. I want badly to share a smile with every person I pass on the street. I want to hug anyone who is having a bad day. I want to create connections between people who normally wouldn’t interact. I want to bring out the best of you and display it so everyone can see. I want to help everyone get past his/her insecurities, so that everyone can experience the joy I feel at seeing others express themselves proudly, innocently, child-like, without defiance or fear of shame. Its funny, after typing all that it doesn’t seem that any of this should be very gender charged at all. But in my mind, these are not very masculine things to be thinking.

Maybe some sexual/relationship history, or lack thereof, is in order. I’ve had two or three girls who expressed interest in me, but I just never was into them. I find women attractive, physically but especially emotionally. I definitely think women can relate better to the way I think. But, the only sexual experiences I have had (both with girls) have seen me having trouble getting an erection. The eternal pessimist in me wants to say I’m either plain gay or have ruined myself watching porn or thinking about sex too much. But the objective, rational part of me thinks its just situational – I was obviously nervous/anxious the first time, and the second time was a drunken threesome where I just worshipped two beautiful female bodies….I didn’t even think about the fact that I didn’t get off until later. I don’t know many gay guys, and I don’t think I’ve ever (still, to this day) been walking down the street and noticed a guy I think is hot. I find (stereo)typical male attitudes, in the context of a relationship, to be rather base and repulsive. But I have had fantasies and dreams (sometimes of friends, which was weird), and I’ve definitely whacked it to gay porn. I can only recall feeling attracted to a guy once. We were with a big group at a music festival and he was high as shit off of who knows what, but he was so happy and selfless and friendly. It’s funny looking back…really great guy, but typical trust-afarian who doesn’t care for much beyond friends and music and drugs (eerily similar to my dream life? Lol). So at this point I guess I’m attracted more to male sex than men in general. But like I said my experiences have been very straight-biased.

I’ve put myself out there for two girls. The first one rejected me with silence after I told her I was having a hard time and needed a friend. That was the worst time in my life until the next girl. The second one hooked up with me because she was getting over her ex-boyfriend. Terrifyingly, still a virgin at age 22, I couldn’t get it in. She helped me finish cus she’s awesome, but my feelings of inadequacy were FINALLY validated, and it felt like shit. In the next few days, she told me that sleeping with me was a mistake, and she was more interested in just being my friend. I was never one to press myself on anyone or be coercive, so I just said ok. And I was feeling so shitty that I needed someone to talk to. So we talked and shared and became best friends. I mentioned my uncertainty in my (lack of) sexual life, but she just brushed it off. She also said my sadness and loneliness were all in my head, I just had to make a choice to be happy! She was partially right; happiness comes from within, but depression is real and my complete lack of intimate friendship is not just “in my head” – I’ll never forget those words. But anyways, I love her so much, so I was all right with just being her friend. She tried to be a good friend, but her rejection combined with my senior thesis and my anguish over how to make THAT connection with another person turned my last semester into the new worst time of my life. I just wanted to die, more than usual. But as usual, that too passed, and I went away for the summer. We stayed in touch and I started feeling a little better. Then I came back from summer and she started saying things like “its so hard for me to keep in touch these days” and started most messages with “sorry for being shady…..”. I recognize that she wasn’t trying to hurt me; she was just being herself and trying to live her life for her. Everyone is entitled to that much.

But it was just another instance of my failure and all-encompassing ugliness. I felt, and sometimes still do, that I was less than human. The person who I’d given so much of myself to, who knew my deepest secrets, didn’t have time for me anymore. And no one else did either, but that was old news. I’ll never know, but I fear that she only got close to me because she felt bad for me and needed a friend, too. How embarrassing…I HATE feeling naïve or cutely ignorant (i.e. like a virgin), and have since I was a small child. I used to vent this stuff to her, but I’m not sure I can give any more of myself to someone that makes me feel so ugly and unimportant, even if unintentionally. She (and all my loved ones) wants me to be happy, so I want to be strong for her, to succeed, to overcome, to make her proud. Not do more bitching and complaining and self-pitying. Still, deep down, I wish she were here because she would give me a hug and tell me that she loves me. And I love her very much.

This whole time, I’ve had the same group of friends. In fact, I’ve had the same (closest) group of friends since elementary school. And I love every one of them very much, and I wouldn’t change a thing about them. But while they were growing up and talking about girls and having sex with girls and bragging about having sex with girls, I felt very out of place. I mean, I got those teenage boners over girls just like them, but I always felt like I was too ugly, too small, too weird to be able to satisfy any girl. So I would just nod and act like I wanted to bang some sluts too. (By the way, these are not bad/womanizing guys, that’s just being a (typical) young male). But, I could never in good conscience vocalize such thoughts, which I do not think escaped the notice of my friends. In fact, I think most would not be at all surprised to learn that I’m gay – which I’m not, but more on that later. Anyways, now college is over. My people are going their separate ways and I’m left without a circle of friends and not really sure how I can/should fit into a new one.


So I have felt very ashamed about my emotions/sensitivity, about my inability to connect intimately with a person, and always about my physical and social shortcomings (pun intended). I have acknowledged these doubts to myself for years now, and always thought that someday I would have to make a choice to tough it out and be a MAN or become gay and be a sissy and a disappointment to everyone I know. I’ve had low self-esteem since junior high, and I’ve been depressed to varying degrees since college started, over 5 years ago now. I often think of suicide, but I wont do it because I’ll just be more of a disappointment. I’m one of the most capable people I know, but my lack of motivation and history of rejection and worthlessness have led me to a place where I am not excited about my future. I’m terrified. I will end up poor and alone and wretched….


But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks! (maybe inappropriate but I saw it on a meme the other day and it just came to me – and, yes, I know its Shakespeare) About a month or so ago I realized that I don’t have to be gay or straight! I can just be me, and I can be attracted to people, not genitals. And this is so much more important than sex, which I’ve never had. Its about realizing that maybe I should just cry when I feel like it, stop and smell the flowers when I want to, and give hugs and smiles all the time, to everyone, regardless of who I’m “supposed” to be. It’s about opening myself to new people, and trusting that my old people will accept me for who I am. It’s about finally expressing my true self without filtering my thoughts and actions through gender considerations. SCREW IT! I’m not a man, and I’m definitely not a woman. I’m just a person.

This is a pretty new thing for me. Its such a simple realization. So simple, in fact, that I don't know what to do with it. I’m not sure how this will or should change my life. I plan to go to the local LGBT support groups soon (any NWA people hit me up!!). I’ve begun trying to keep my eyes open for an opportunity to be with a guy – it would be an adventure if nothing else. I’m trying hard not to assume that girls will assume I’m ugly or inadequate. And I’m trying desperately to make myself believe that not every girl I open up to will break my heart. In short, I’m trying to make a positive change in my attitude and life.

But the fact still remains that I am very lonely. I spend a lot of time by myself on purpose – I enjoy solitude. But at this point I’m so so so sick of having no one but myself. I don’t want to come out as bi to my family if I may well end up with a woman anyways. Some of them would be less than pleased and, worse, disappointed. There’s too much history between all of my friends to come out of the closet and expect nothing to change. Strangely, I’m honestly not afraid for them to know – I found myself trying to steer the conversation to come out to one of my friends the other day after a couple of beers, although it didn't happen. I just don’t want it to be a big deal! I don’t want people to see me differently, I just want to love everyone and make everyone smile. I want to feel like a valid, valuable part of a community. And I want to feel accepted and loved by someone willing to call me his/her partner. Good grief y'all!

Wow this turned out way longer than I expected it to. But, as always, writing about my issues helps me gain clarity. It’s a funny thing, because I am a man – wait, person – of few words, but once I get started it all starts flowing wider and deeper than the Arkansas River! If you actually read the whole thing, big props! And thanks. I appreciate it. Any kind words or advice are appreciated too. I hope you all have a wonderful day, today and tomorrow, and I love you!!

Peace ---> Patience---> Wisdom---> Dream!

 

Thanks guys You make me happy

 

SOUL, you are pretty much right on I think. As far as what I said about being a man, I recognize (and always have, actually) that my preconceived notions are just that: preconceived. But it doesn't always make it easy to not be concerned about it, particularly when I've never had a significant other. Its funny, just before I left for school i was excited about who I was (which had nothing to do with sexuality at the time). But loneliness made me start questioning if I'm going about things the wrong way.

And you are definitely right about not worrying about labels. Really, thats what 'coming out' has been about for me. I was never living a lie, I was just confused what category I would fit in. Then I realized I dont need to be any certain way.

In any case, I think we would all do well to remember: the wages of patience is patience.

Thanks very much for your thoughts though much appreciated