Hey everyone!! I joined EC because this past month I have been struggling to determine my sexuality.* From threads that I have been reading on here it seems like this topic is a common one. I was hoping people could offer me some insight from the LGBT perspective. Here is what I know about myself: I'm raised in a mildly religious family that (from what I can tell) is accepting of gays and somewhat support gay rights. I never realized that I would one day be writing this thread on homosexuality because I never could see myself as gay. After some deep reflection I realized that maybe I'm not straight after-all. I always knew I was different however after many years I am still not 100% sure nor accepting of who I am. I was never quite, actually--not at all, like the other girls my age. The last time I was forced to wear a dress was for 2nd grade communion.I wore a buisness-like suit to graduation and confirmation. When my team would have a sleepover we would always play never have I ever and I always felt left out because I had never kissed a guy nor ever been in a relationship. I ALWAYS feel extremely uncomfortable in the girls' locker room and get this urge to stare at the ground or change in a bathroom stall to avoid eye contact. I don't wear make-up and I feel most comfortable in sweats, a loose tank top, nike socks, and sandals. From K-8th grade I was the definition of a tomboy. At recess I would play flag football on the muddy field with my guy friends, I would play basketball with them, and I wore cargo shorts and baggy plain t-shirts, and sneakers. Plus a ton of other factors that set me apart from other girls my age. It all started when I was four years old when I would play adventure games by myself in my room. When I would play with my younger siblings I would always insist on being the prince that would save the imaginary princess from the evil wicked queen. Once I would save my princess I would recieve a kiss as my reward and we would ride off into the sunset (You know some 4-year-old fantasy). I never really thought anything of this. I didn't know that this role playing was not normal for a kid my age, let alone for anyone, and I certaintly did not know there was a definition for the feelings that I had for my princess. During middle school I got my hair cut shorter than most of my guy friends and was constantly mistaken for a "sonny, buddy, little guy, young man." Despite the emarassment at first I got over it quickly and just ignored them. In all honesty I didn't mind looking more like a guy because I was comfortbale wearing the boyish clothes I had always worn. The first week of Freshmen year I was confronted by a softball player before Trigonometry class and she flat out asked me, "are you a lesbian?" Of course I denied denied denied the fact because I knew I was straight. Well, at least I thought I was 100% straight. I was upset that she had asked me such a question in class. But now I look back an wonder how she came up with that conclusion, especially because I was wearing the standard school uniform like all 1,000 of the rest of us! I became self-conscious and thus ended my extreme tomboy regime. Towards the end of my first year in high school I would get together with my middle school friends every Friday night and we would sit around and watch scary movies and television shows on the couch. One of my closest friends was getting more touchy feely and I had mixed emotions about it all.* I had this weird butterfly feeling in my stomach but tried to shove the feelings out of my head. This wasn't normal but I needed to ignore it, so I did. I can still remember how softly she would rest her head on my shoulder and cuddle up right next to me, sit on my lap, and hug me for an uncomfortable amount of time up against her body. I think I wanted to kiss her. Immediately after this feeling I left her house at the commercial break because "I didn't feel to well." After that when I saw an attractive guy in the hall I feel like I had more of an emotional connection to him but when my best friend snuggled up next to me I could not help but feel an over-whelming physical connection to her. Everything seemed natual, I don't know it's hard to explain. Just last year as a sophomore, I was exposed to internet pornography for the first time. Like smoking or drinking alcohol is for some people, I found myself addicted to the images online. I couldn't go a night without peeking at the shots on tumblr, it was pitiful. What I realized after drooling over all those images is that the girl pictures had more of an effect on me that the guy pictures and thus triggering the emotions I have to this day. I am lost. Thank you for listening. Any comments or advice would be much appreciated!
Wow you have a quiet a story and it seems like you are really confused. Too me it kinda sounds like your Bi because boys and guys both give you that feeling.... But then again I could be wrong.. Just a friendly piece of advice P.s Forgot To Say Welcome
Thank you for sharing your story with us, and I hope that I can share some of my personal perspective on it, as long as you know it is something *you* will have to continue to explore on your own and make the final decision (which doesn't have to be final!). As to your early life of being a 'tom boy', just because you fit the 'stereotype' of the Lesbian archetype does not mean that you are attracted to the same sex, or even bisexual if you have sexual attractions to both sexes, or any other combination of words that attempt to put your sexual orientation into a comfy definition. I understand that when others assume you are a lesbian because of the common stereotypes it would cause some self-questioning in you. The thing to remember is that you can dress however you want, act masculine, and all of that; but what we are talking about is an attraction to the same sex -- your sexual orientation. You can be attracted to other boys and still feel more comfortable in traditional 'boyish' societal mannerisms. The wondering you have about your affections for your friend who would cuddle with you were sexual and if that makes you a lesbian are also understandable. Love can be completely "platonic" (= non-sexual), and I certainly share many relationships like that with both male and female. So, the fact that you have deep connections with her, whether or not she assumed you were a lesbian and was perhaps pursuing that, or just a more sisterly or close friend role, what matters is how you feel about it, independent of outside influence in my opinion. You may very well find that you identify as something other than straight, and that is perfectly fine! However, please do not allow others assumptions that you are due to some of your mannerisms or differences that meet some stereotypes make you think you have to identify as a lesbian. It's something you can explore, however, and do so openly, honestly, and without fear. Enjoy such an experience of beginning to focus on who you are. Most don't.
Thank you for that story! Welcome to EC! :welcome: I know what you mean about a natural attraction to your female friends. I've had similar experiences and I hope you really enjoy this site!
It sounds like you may be Bi. It may sound strange to be attracted to both sexes but it does happen and it is NOT a bad thing! You may even be 4-5 in that you just like girls a little more than guys. There are after all no set 'rules' of sexuality. I actually shift between liking guys more or girls more. I'm a gutless flip-flopper. XD
I was enthrawled with hearing your story cause it reminds me of my own story to some extent. I never grew up of the opposite gender conditioning but grew into becoming much more feminen as years came along. I agree with a poster before that these gender stereotypes shouldn't change your sexual orientation nor your attraction in physical onto themselves determine it either. What I've learned in my twenty-six/seven years is that you must be comfortable with yourself first not anybody else. Be true to what you feel and desire in your heart, body, soul/spirit and go with it. I had for the longest time a split in being attracted physically with men and women and feared that I couldn't be emotionally attached to a man. I've realized that I just haven't found the right guy yet to have a healthy relationship and am realizing that I'm totally gay even my fiance is realizing it now! So, like I think you should try an exercise like think of yourself with either sex and your dating experiences of each (if) and balance and come true within yourself of what you truly are. By the way, you might just be too young yet to know so don't rush it either. good luck, Peter
Hi! Wow our stories are very similar and I am struggling with the same issues. I was actually married for 12 years and really enjoyed it and the divorce wasn't even my decision. I always felt an attraction to men though throughout the marriage but never did anything about it. Been divorced for about 5 years and haven't really dated at all because of the inner struggle I deal with. Well anyway I didn't mean to hijack your post but just wanted to know that you are not alone in this struggle.
@Different: I am glad it was received well, and I wish the best for you! Feel free to continue to post here if you find it beneficial in the future!
This place is a nice place to share, no? I've read your stories. My conclusion is that you're a Bi. Don't be afraid about that, and be proud of it! Maybe you can do something good for other people with that special trait that only few have it. Cheers!
Thanks everyone for your time! I really do not think I am bi because I've never felt emotionally nor physically attracted to a guy. Still thank you for your input. Any more insight would be greatly appreciated!
