The secret story of my life that is driving me to the brink of madness

Hi world.
I do not where to start but I guess I will start by admitting some of the stuff about me. I have been lurking in this forum as a non user for months, not registered, just skimming through the topics, hoping someone in at the other end of the world has something I am facing. Hah. I know, I know I should have registered a long time ago when google brought me here. Its just that I am not "out" yet, to anyone but my long time girlfriend, or ex girlfriend strictly speaking, and I am not ready for anyone to finding out via my iPad or Mac. I apologize to all the proudly out people, I'm sorry taht I am this cowardly... I do wish that I have such courage and support (to which I severely lack).. But in reality.. I do not have both of it.

So. Today, I would like to take the first step, give a proper introduction, and tell the world The story of my life. That as the title suggests. No one knows, but me.

I live in a lonely world, where I have to wear tonnes and tonnes of "makeup" and some degree of "fake ness", day in and day out until... Sometimes... I do not know who I am anymore when I look into the mirror. Sometimes I console myself, telling me that I am only 29 years old. And theres tonnes of Life ahead of me. But,seriously. I really hate to live in the shadow. I want to break free.

I was 18 when I first met her in college. I did not know i was gay then, Nor i ever identified myself as such. She was a star in our class, a leader in many ways. Her rather short hair with pink cheeks made me had butterflies in my stomach everytime we met. Her eyes had a certain softness. I remembered how I went home and talked nonstop about her, and I even started a diary about her, as I had not much friends as i was suffering from low self esteem and depression. I Wrote in my diary for each and every encounter. Eventually, our friendship grew. Later after 2years of friendship, I moved to a new city and we ended up sharing a same place as our offices were nearby. And that was when things fell out of hand. Everytime when a guy tries to befriend me, she would suddenly give a cold shoulder, or just walk out of the place, or just stop the car and storm off. These episodes made me awkward. And most of my other friends would just brush her off as "weird" . At that time, I must confess, I do still have some feelings for her, but what she was doing was extremely hurtful, and I do not understand her actions most of the time. Then, came the day where there was a fight, and finally She confessed to me how much i made her think that I am crazily in love with her and she wanted confirmation about me loving her. And that, she in her words "sort of loves me too". I remembered how I went into the toilet , washing my face and told myself, should I or should I not start this relationship ? A relationship of under the covers and zero chance of surfacing ever.
That night, she kissed me and we slept together. From there onwards, I treated her as my girlfriend and she did just the same. We were so very much in love, with the hopes of coming out eventually to both our families. We were happy, but not for long.

This love that I held close to my heart has doubts. After a year of happiness, i broke down. Often, I voiced out my concerns to her, i hated we were underground. I hated the fact that we would never be able to have PDAs. I cried most of the time, and i attributed the depression to the fact that i am gay, i couldnt believe what i am taht i am really gay and i sleep with another woman everynight. I hated myself for not being courageous to come out, hated myself for being stupid to accept her love.

I hated everything.... But I faked happiness, extremely well. Although with recurring thoughts of sucide be it jumping from tall buildings or drowing , i had them all planned out. It was funny to see that No one, not one at all knew behind the smiley fat face of mine was such feelings. I fooled them. I functioned very well... Till last year... I broke off with her citing reasons that my age is catching up and I want a family. A husband and a few kids of my own. She broke it off cooly as if she had been preparing for this day a long time.
But being together for 9 years, breaking off was hard.

We were on and off till about 6 months ago, a new lady, K joined my office. She somehow got to know my girlfriend and she offered our rented apartment since K, was new in town. My gf told me since we are not working out, she would like her friend to stay at our place to reduce our financial burden.
But things soon got out of hand, she starting sleeping at K's room, And she acts like a love crushed puppy following her all around town. While all this is going on, she still sleeps with me with K goes out of town. This leaves me more and more confused. I knew her now for 11 years! And she left me for another woman in less than 3months time? I know I broke it off first, but really? Another woman in my apartment...?
I do not know how to think. Maybe I should just move out. I couldn't stand it anymore. I have nothing left.

So. Thanks for listening. Do drop me a line or two.
What should I do next?
:bang:

 

Thanks ec.
This is the only place I can be.. The real me.