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Mom of 16 year old gay boy

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by CountessAbby, Feb 28, 2013.

  1. CountessAbby

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    Hi! I have come to the forums last evening for some advice and been so warmly recieved. I am so happy with the input you have given me so far. Its very helpful. My son is 16 and gay and I am completely fine with it. I am open minded and very supportive and simply want him to be happy. He is not yet able to tell dad who is more narrow minded and will probably freak out. Siblings and his close friends do know. I am not fond of keeping it from dad but this is not my secret to tell so I am letting my son call the shots for now. Love him regardless. Dont care. Its not about me. But its still a struggle, keeping it a secret from only one person...and the person I never keep secrets from has been challenging for me. My son has my total support but I am sad for what I know are hardships he will face in the future. We live in the US and so far my son has not had any problems at his small rural highschool...keeping my fingers crossed. He is smart, very funny and his teachers and friends all seem to love him. But I am waiting for the other awful stuff to happen....and hoping it wont.
     
  2. June Cleaver

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    What awfull stuff? What do you see comming? I live in a small southern town, and my life has been quite good! I was loved in school, I still make friends easy. I have a wonderfull husband who loves me, and his kids love me too. Animals always love me. Heck even my Volvo loves me! LOL So look at him as he is, a extra special person who is still the same kid he was last month before you knew. My husband and your husband are probably the same. I know he never imagined that his dream girl was inside of a man's body, and I never dreamed the redneck, country, good old boy up the street who terrified me for 6 years was my soulmate. If my husband can love me, I am sure your husband can love and accept him too. Keep us informed, June
     
  3. Ianthe

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    Hi CountessAbby, welcome to Empty Closets!

    It's always wonderful to see moms here. I think it's really good for our younger members especially, to see accepting parents. I was really glad to see you posting on some of the support and advice threads. :slight_smile:
     
  4. BradThePug

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    Hello and Welcome to EC!!

    It's always nice to see supportive parents around here!
     
  5. 461 467

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    As others have said, it's wonderful to see supportive parents on here! You're awesome! :slight_smile:

    I wish my parents weren't so ridiculously closed-minded. :frowning2:
     
  6. CountessAbby

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    Thanks everyone. To June Cleaver...I worry about the hate crimes. The boy in college who was taped by his roomate that killed himself due to embarassment, which I realize is not just a "gay" thing. But there are so many small minded, bigotted and nasty people in this world. I do worry about him being victimized by some low life, beaten up by a gay hater or having to endure pain due to the fact he will be living an alternative lifestyle. Maybe that is just me...with my own stereotypes? Not a day passes I dont come across some horrid gay hate crime, and I ignored it before because it never affected me or my kids. Now tho? I can't get over it, its my huge fear for my gay son. Any suggestions on how to get rid of my mom fear?
     
  7. theypc

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    Mom fear will sadly always be there. My mom always worries about me if I even leave the house :L... I have been out for nearly 5 years and she still worries about stuff happening to me even though it never has.

    Just because I am young (16) doesn't mean I can't stand up for myself :slight_smile:
     
  8. CountessAbby

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    To Well Known: I am sorry you have close minded parents. They are also victims of their own parents and their own upbringing. So am I. Things when I was growing up? Very black and white. No gray. Right or wrong. No in between. We were not all raised by open minded well educated people. Sometimes the religion thing gets in the way. I think parents do the best they can. My husband was raised by a dreadful abusive person who pounded the anti gay attitude into his head at a young age. He cannot help who he is but now his son cannot tell him. So this will be a large stumbling block. Some parents I believe would rather just not ever know the truth. Its too painful for them. Each child has to decide would it be better if they knew? But its really your journey, not THEIRS. This is about YOU and not THEM. They should not make it about "them'' and I am sure they will accept what come down the pipe. At least you arent in prison for murder and you arent dying of cancer. Really? So many much more worse things a parent could have happen with their child. I work in medical. I see teens killed in car wrecks, suicides, drownings. Teens on drugs, teens killing, teens in gangs. If having a different gender selection then they "expected you to" is that big of a deal they need to spend a few weekends in their local ER.

    ---------- Post added 1st Mar 2013 at 12:10 PM ----------

    Perhaps because of my job and the tragic events I see everyday....having a gay son is not all that tragic ! A lot depends on a person perspective and where they are coming from! I know nothing about the gay stuff but I do know what I see and I do know most parents love their kids....no matter what.
     
  9. Ianthe

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    Your support, and eventually your husband's support, if it can be secured, will make a bigger difference than anything else, regarding how likely your son is to be depressed or suicidal, or to engage in other self-destructive behaviors.

    As long as you recognize that any suffering your son will experience will really not be because he's gay, but rather because other people are homophobic, it's reasonable to worry some about him being hurt. (I mean, make sure you locate the problem where it is. There is nothing wrong with your son, but rather with the homophobes.)

    I'm not sure where you live, so I can't say how dangerous it actually is in reality--but keep in mind that you don't see on the news when there are not hate crimes committed. You don't see in your ER when terrible things don't happen. So, maybe as you become more aware of and involved in the community, you will have a more reasonable idea of how afraid to be of those kinds of things.

    Also, just so you know, most of us prefer not to refer to sexual orientation as a "lifestyle." Vegetarianism is a lifestyle. Drug use is a lifestyle. Gay people live in all different sorts of lifestyles, just as straight people do. Your son still has a wide array of options for how to live his life. Just, now you know his romantic partners will be men rather than women. :slight_smile:
     
  10. FallenAngel

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    Yes, he may have some hard times. There is a positive though. He has you. That is a beautiful thing. my family is no where near and will never be near supporting me. You are an amazing mother for supporting your son, and even more importantly, for loving him unconditionally. Which is exactly what parents are supposed to do. You are in my prayers. Bless you for being the incredible mother that you are. He is a lucky kid.
     
  11. Ticklish Fish

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    hello hi!
    this is the second mom of a non-hetero child i have met on this forum xD
     
  12. June Cleaver

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    You will always have some fear about your baby, even if he was out late with a girl. That is only natrual. The gay thing I would suggest you help him by being his sounding board and help him through the tough times. With your good advise, maby he will always be one step ahead of any desaster. After all I am sure you dated some boys/ men before marrage, so who better to advise him on boyfriend selection/ problems? Later in life my cousin Cheryl became mine and she sure helped me figure out where I was going wrong and what I needed in a mate. I started with her in 2010 and after 22 years of wrong men I got the right one, and moved the last bad one out in 2011. Her advise and support made all the diffrence.

    Keep in mind he has not changed, your point of view has. He sounds like me in a way, very much liked and outgoing. As for the fear you have he will be involved in a hate crime, those are rare and I would say they were not outgoing, well behaved, respectfull people like your son. The gay lifestyle is way more acceptable these days. Now if he was running around hitting on every guy he meets, acted strange, dressed strange, or was plain disrespectfull than I would say worry. I have yet to have anyone want to hurt me because I am transgendered and I am 40. So don't borrow trouble! June
     
  13. Jun

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    Hi,

    I told my mother I was gay aswell, I insisted on keeping it a secret from my dad. She eventually did not keep that promise and it made me really upset. Your son should be the one to tell him, respect his choice, that's the best a great parent could do. I wish my mom would've respect my choice...
     
  14. gordilocks

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    wow yr pretty awesome i hope my parents react like you when i come out
     
  15. Welcome to EC! :slight_smile:

    Thank you for being a supporter, ally, and a great mother! I live in the south, and most of the people I know are supporters!
     
  16. CountessAbby

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    Thanks. Nice to meet you all. Ianthe, thanks for clarifying that, in regards to not referring to it as a "lifestyle" I had no idea. This is a great place to get support..lots of great advice and I will take everything you all said under consideration. I know very little to nothing about the topic and now feel a huge need to educate myself. Good Lord, it can be overwhelming
     
  17. SkyDiver

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    You're in the right place, CA! (&&&) :smilewave
     
  18. codys12345

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    Welcome to EC!! I hope everything goes well if or when he does tell his dad. I don't think that I am going to tell my dad because he might kick me out and cut me off. He has life insurance and each of his kids get 1 million when he passes(not trying to be greedy). He hasn't always been there for me so I don't want to lose him all together.
     
  19. leer

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    Hello Abby.
    welcome to EC. I think you are doing the best thing for you son by supporting him like this as you have said its up to your son to have the talk with his dad when your son is ready . as for worrying about him your him mum your bound to best you can do is remind him that your there for him . Wish all parents were like you Abby x
     
  20. CountessAbby

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    Thanks Leer and Cody. Cody I dont blame you. Its not being greedy. That is called making your life easier and nobody faults you for that. If you are convinced your dad would cut you off and disown you then maybe he is best left kept in the dark. Sometimes parents prefer to live inside the comfy bubble. You know him more then anyone. Thats a terrible reason to disown your child but prejudice runs strong in some parents. Dont forget you always DO have a choice to NOT tell some people. Decide carefully. Its about YOU not about your dad. But, that being said, you need to make your life as easy and drama free as you can for your peace of mind. Bless you both