Honestly I'm kind of terrified to start posting, but that's why I made an account in the first place so here goes nothing. I'm 14, in 8th grade, female and happy to stay that way but I act like a guy a lot, and have been questioning my sexuality for about the past year. I've had a pretty wild past year, finding myself slipping in and out of depression just to finally pull myself out of it to find I don't know who I am anymore. I think I might be bisexual, but everything is really confusing right now. I feel a sort of attraction towards girls, but at the same time I often find myself butting heads with those of the same gender. I get along with very few girls (those that I do get along with are also mostly tomboyish) and usually prefer hanging out with guy friends. As far as romantic relationships my two experiences with "dating" don't even add up to being in a relationship for a week. When a guy I liked tried to kiss me I found myself stumbling backwards trying to stay out of reach, something I didn't expect to find myself doing as I had long thought about having my "first kiss." (It wouldn't actually be my first kiss. An older uncle took that away from me at a young age. I don't have many memories of the mild sexual harassment, as I suppressed this memory do to the trauma of it happening at such a young naive age, and did not recover the memory at all until about a year ago.) It's just very complicated. Sometimes I'll just close my eyes and imagine a guy holding me in his arms in a protective way, and sometimes I'll see myself holding another girl as if I had taken the masculine sort of role in the relationship. But as soon as I pull myself out of my mind and hit the real world I feel like I'm back to quarreling with girls and going back to hang out with my guy friends. However I feel more like I'm hanging out with them as an equal, as "one of the guys," not as a potential girlfriend. Any advice would be great, if anything I just said made any sense what-so-ever. But anyway it's just really nice to vent and let my thoughts out.
Welcome to EC! This place has helped me so much! I only recently came through my denial about being gay! I also questioned being bisexual and truly there is no pressure to decide. :eusa_danc For me I really related to what you said ( even though I am friggin 33 I am basically going through my teenage phase again haha ). I always imagined the typical romantic fantasies of being taken care of by a knight in shining armor of some sort. Of course mine weren't usually buff, jock types...more brainiac artists. But in the flesh it never felt natural. My first kiss with a bf at age 15 I also jumped back...and 5 years later it was still like that even though I ended up living with the guy for almost two years. So now I also imagine what relationships would feel like with a girl...the more I let myself accept it would be totally okay..and the more I pictured it in my head..the more right it feels. Much better and more natural for me than with guys. I also like to be "one of the guys." I recently decided that though being bisexual is a very fitting orientation for some...for me when I think through my attractions with guys..I really just admire them and would be happy to be their friend. Like I might even enjoy snuggling but actual kissing or sex triggers this "no thank you" haha. I am sorry to hear about that stuff your uncle did. I have found people share about that stuff here for help too. Just the fact you re opening up on here and I am sure is a big step and will help with your depression as well. (*hug*)
