New Here, Long Post

Hello everyone, I joined this site the other day because I'm tired of occupying my head with ruminating thoughts after my coming out and my parents' reactions.

On October 27th, 2012, after talking to a group of parents of LGBT children and LGBT couples the night prior, I decided the next evening to drive 110 miles back to my parents' house to officially come out to them. They were, to say the least, shocked.

Fast-forward to Thanksgiving break, I come back home after my parents telling me over the phone that they want to talk to me. This was fair as we each hadn't seen each other sense October. I have this problem where I subordinate myself with my parents because I don't like to stir conflict with anyone. Anyway, the first night I arrived home, my mom and I were sitting down and she talked to me, asking questions such as "How long have you known?", "Are you sure?", or "Maybe you just don't know yet."

I tried to answer some of the questions she asked, but they were too vague and I was just immobilized because I thought to myself, why would I have driven up here last month to only then think: my attraction to men, was this all a "hoax"? With that last comment she said to me, I just replied "maybe so" because I was tired from driving, tired from what I knew I would have to face coming back, and just tired of trying to assert my true self to my mom because she wouldn't listen and I didn't do anything about it.

However, the next night was traumatic when my dad came upstairs to talk to me. Then, he went back downstairs to ask a list of questions that he wrote between October and that night. Both sides of my family are Catholic, and both of my parents are very religious, so as I was waiting upon his return I intuitively knew where my dad was forming these 'questions '. I forgot verbatim how he introduced the question, but it was something along the line of religious/Catholic context. After this introduction, I saw his face of distress when he said to me that there was something wrong, something 'evil' inside of me. I took this comment to heart because never would my dad say something so cruel to me. Later on, he would go on and threaten me saying that if I ever came home with a boyfriend or had anything (LGBT) related on my person, he would cut me off. Regardless if he would actually do that or not, it was another emotionally devastating blow. But it wan't icing on the cake until he told me to go into the bathroom with him to look at myself in the mirror to assure to him whether or not I truly love myself as I looked at myself in the eyes, holding back the floodgates.

On the night of coming out, I told my parents that in order to be honest to myself (about my sexuality), I wanted to be honest to them because I couldn't be honest to them if I wasn't honest to myself. This was something I reminded my dad by including that I don't like secrets. However, he told me that some things are better left as secrets. This is something that doesn't jive with me because growing up I was told to be honest, but that night I think he was too ashamed of this 'secret'.

Thanksgiving came and went as did the winter break, and things became more quiet with my family, but my mind was deteriorating due to the fresh tumultuous and uncontrollable regrets of guilt, shame, confusion, and whirly, unsettling moments of agony where I wished I could leave this world because I was absolutely alienated from my parents.*

Recently, a couple of weeks ago was my spring break, and this was the time when they just elected the new pope. My parents were all over it, saying this man is humble for taking the bus and helping the poor, even though this guy opposes abortions, contraception, and claims homosexuality--to say the least--to be "unnatural". One day, I told my mom on how I felt about the pope's view on gay marriage, and this incited her saying that the Church, in reality, won't change its stance on its views. True, but this conversation was a way for me to segway to tell her about what dad said to me back in November and how it has caused me so much depression and suicidal thoughts.

Eventually, my mom told my dad about what I said to her, and later that night we talked. I told him about the things he said to me and how they devastated me, yet later on he told me that he didn't remember him saying anything to me and how he'd forgotten the whole night because it was painful for him as well, but he apologized for the things he 'might' have said. Hearing this just surprised me with more disappointment at the fact that he denied/minimized the whole event, but all I could do was say it's okay, and gave him a hug.

Yet, it's still not okay, and this is where I'm at currently: I feel guilty for not 'forgiving'/holding a grudge against him even though he doesn't seem to recognize the actions he did; I don't know where to go from here. Should I take them to P-FLAG, come out to my extended family in front of their faces as I come home for Easter lunch, or what? Sometimes, I feel like all of this is my fault and I feel like I'm not taking responsibility about making things better like I should; but other times I've done what I can and I fear that it might be this way for the remainder of their lives (or if I find someone for whom I truly love). Right now, things are difficult, but I feel like that, somehow, things will work out, I just don't know what to do.

This is why I'm on this site, sorry for the long post, but I needed to get this out for others to, at least, read.



*In January, I got help and I don't feel suicidal anymore, and I'm working on not thinking too much.

 

Wow, thanks for the encouraging support and advice you guys have given me, this is a warm community. I know that the communicating process will take time, but the comments that you convey make going home for Easter more enlightening for me; something which I needed to hear.

After some of the situations I've been through, not just with my parents, feeling (I use this term very loosely because I can't think of any other word right now) "different" and standing up for myself more can feel very lonesome, bleak, and dark sometimes, but hearing everyone's warm generosity makes my mind more at peace and less "loud", like how I was writing a draft similar to my first post earlier the other night.

@Mysz, That's a more pleasant way to think about that and I push for that to be true, only time will tell.

@Hexagon, I never thought of it like that, but I feel better knowing that at least someone else recognizes my actions that I can't consciously communicate right now. Thank you.

 

Hey everyone, thank you again for reading and responding. I'm at home right now for Easter and I don't feel comfortable nor miserable, just bored, my parents seem to be okay but Iguess because I haven't brought up anything LGBT yet.