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:) I'm new and confused

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by SwirlingOcean, May 28, 2013.

  1. SwirlingOcean

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    Hello :slight_smile: I'm Nicole, 29 (actually 30 in a couple weeks!), and I never considered myself gay but lately thinking I might be. I guess I'll try to tell my story. I always felt a little different. I had crushes on boys when I was in elementary school. In middle school I don't remember having many while all the other girls seemed to be absolutely boy crazy. But I don't remember having crushes on girls either.

    In freshman year of high school I fell in love with a boy. He was the ONLY one ever. I really did love him. He just seemed different and we clicked instantly. I liked kissing him but that's it. We did other stuff but I never really enjoyed it. Some of it repulsed me actually. I'm just kinda realizing this now as I type the words here. We ended up breaking up and he actually hurt me pretty bad. Then in senior year I started dating another guy who showed an interest in me. I thought he was cute and we had some chemistry. But I felt like the first guy was my soul mate (now I'm thinking we were more like soul friends...ha). So there was a lot of drama in this love triangle blah blah blah I went back to the second guy for 10 years. Yeah 10!

    During these years I gained an interest in LGBTQIA issues. At college I went to a few pride meetings and a protest. I was majoring in sociology so I took an LGBT Communities class. It was eye opening. By this point I had bought the "Queer As Folk" DVD series in its entirety and was working on "The L Word." I think at some level I always knew I was queer. But at this point I thought I was like a 2 on the Kinsey scale.

    One day I was flipping through the channels and I saw someone who took my breath away (NEVER happens). So I went back. It was Danni Campbell on that stupid Tila Tequila show lol. I HAD to watch it don't laugh. I NEVER came across anyone that I was so attracted to! I put it out of my mind that I could be gay because everyone on The L Word is so femmy. I couldn't see myself with any of them (Shane maybe). And I never met a soft butch before in real life. No one turns my head. So I was off googling butches, stems, studs, androgynous people, genderqueers, trans people etc. I was obsessed. I thought La Roux and Adam Lambert were gorgeous. Girls go on about Rosling or that Maroon 5 guy but I don't see it. James Franco though is beautiful!

    The guy I was with didn't understand me and I don't know why I stayed with him. We hardly ever had sex. And he was a jerk, we didn't agree on politics, how to be a decent human being in this world and he treated my family like crap. I must have hated myself. It was self-denial. I knew I didn't belong with this person. We broke up just after our 10 year anniversary.

    I cut off my hair. Faux-hawk! Its growing out now though :slight_smile: Anyway I feel like I might have been bi/pansexual and I'm getting gayer as I age? I've heard that a lot of women feel a shift in their sexuality as they get older leaning more toward lesbian. But I'm not sure if I'm actually gay or bi. I always saw myself ending up with a man. Always. A feminist gentle man with a feminine side with respect for women...but a man. But maybe I just saw myself ending up with a slightly masculine person.

    Sorry this was so long. I'm just confused. Has anyone felt similar? I've been saying I'm "I'm gay" out loud to myself when I'm alone and it feels so strange. I never thought I was gay. I'm 30! How could I not know!? What does it sound like to you? Am I gay or bi? Was I bi and now I'm gay? How often does that happen? Maybe I was in denial my entire life??? I just don't know.

    Thanks to all who make it through my long post!
     
    #1 SwirlingOcean, May 28, 2013
    Last edited: May 28, 2013
  2. Rexmond

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    Hello and welcome to Empty Closets!! :welcome:
     
  3. destiny99

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    First off, hello and welcome to EC! I went through something similar but in a much shorter period of time (about 4 years). Just having the possibility of not being straight felt so...weird. I'm still not 100% sure that I'm bi, but I'm pretty sure. I was in complete denial for a while too, and it took a lot for me to realize the obvious. I'm not going to tell you that you're gay/bi, but you might be. Good luck! EC was definitely the right place to go to!
     
  4. SwirlingOcean

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    Thanks guys :slight_smile: I've just been driving myself crazy. I can't concentrate and its all I can think about. I wish it was easy and someone would just tell me. It's exhausting going back and forth. I've always felt like I was part of the community but at first I thought I was an ally. Then bi. Then pan. Now maybe lesbian. I guess only time will tell. I think its hard for me because my supposed "type" I'm attracted to is so rare. I'll have to start hitting the bars and queer meet ups I guess.
     
  5. BradThePug

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    Hello and Welcome to EC!!
     
  6. SwirlingOcean

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    Thanks :slight_smile: I'm kind of excited to land on the more lesbian end of things. It could change in the future but I'm starting to think "hmm, this is what it's like to be gay I guess." One person's view of it anyway. It's just a crazy perspective switch. I think I'm starting ....just STARTING to accept that this may have been my true identity all along. ...maybe.
     
  7. Zoe

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    Hello there, Swirling--

    Good to have you here at EC. Trust me--there are lots of people here who can offer you support and help.

    A suggestion for you if you haven't already done it: Check out the Coming Out Advice in the Forums. Also, there's a LGBT Later in Life Forum that's great for those of us who are coming out later in life, both to ourselves and others. I'm 42 myself and just now coming out--and there are many others.

    You'll find this to be a very welcoming and supportive community. I'm glad you're here.

    --Zoe
     
  8. SwirlingOcean

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    Thanks! I'll check that out!
     
  9. Candace

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    Hello and welcome to EC! It's a pleasure to meet you :slight_smile:
     
  10. Femmeme

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    Well hello and :welcome:

    I'm also primarily attracted to butch and gender queerish women. I HAD seen them before, I had HUGE secret crushes on KD Lang and Tracey Chapman as a young teenager, but oh wow... the way people acted and talked about women like that! It made me feel like I must be seriously sick and twisted to like them. So I repressed, repressed, repressed and sought out the most feminine men I could to date instead.

    Like you I've always considered myself an ally, and was into gender studies and went to pride events... and yet somehow just couldn't put the puzzle pieces together.

    So, you ARE NOT alone. (*hug*)
     
  11. SwirlingOcean

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    yay! someone like me!! Thanks for the welcome.

    Dani Campbell was my first true girl crush. Then came La Roux. Most people like you said had disgusted reactions toward women like them. I always thought femme women could be hot (Michelle Rodriguez and Angelina Jolie) but I thought everyone felt the way I did. I thought it was just admiration. But I could never see myself WITH a femme woman. So I never thought I was gay. Never crossed my mind lol. :slight_smile: I looked for feminine men too. But there was never a spark. I thought I just was being too picky.
     
  12. Commenza

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    Hello, welcome to EC! :slight_smile:

    I just wanted to say that sexuality is a lot more fluid than most people think it is. It can definitely change. So, if you feel, you are "turning" gay, it's not strange at all.

    You said that you could only see a future with a man. Some internal homophobia, maybe? I felt the same just a few months ago (when I was starting to come out to myself). I simply couldn't imagine my future with a woman. Now that I've become more accepting of my sexuality, I can very well imagine being with a girl :slight_smile: Maybe, it just takes time to accept these things.

    Oh, and I also first thought of myself as Kinsey 2. Now I'm leaning more towards Kinsey 4 or 5.

    Anyway, I hope you will find good advice on here. Have fun :slight_smile:
     
  13. SwirlingOcean

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    Thanks Commenza!

    I should have known better! I majored in sociology in college and took plenty of gender and LGBT classes! I KNOW that sexuality is fluid :slight_smile: I guess I'm just slow when it comes to myself.

    Now that I've admitted it to myself I can see that my views on femmes are changing a little bit too. (I told myself for a long time that I only like butch women). Maybe I am getting gayer with age. I guess I'll just have to give myself some time.
     
  14. ladywithquestio

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    I can relate immensely to so much of what you said... I'm still trying to figure out my own sexuality and I'm almost 36. So you are definitely not alone.