My Story (Long and Personal, haha)

Hi! I'm fifteen, and most people call me Jack!

In terms of sex, I'm male, but my gender identity is 200 lines of unreadable code. But within the vast multitude of "zeroes" and "ones" in the code, I've noticed that I'm not quite male, so for now I usually use the term "agender." Male pronouns will work unless I eventually specify otherwise.

In thr fifth grade, I got "the talk" from my dad. I literally stormed out in the middle of this discussion, and I later learned that my dad was just as uncomfortable as I was. Although I tried to forget everything he told me, I remember told me that at some point, I'd "feel a certain way around girls." I felt uncomfortable with this in particular, for reasons that later became blatantly obvious. But after this initial feeling of discomfort, I anticipated the day in which I'd start experiencing love and attraction. Because I enjoyed being in the presence of some girls, I assumed that I "liked" them. Because in around that time, the definition of "like" radically changed, and people would ask one another who they like incessantly. Until the eighth grade, I would occasionally get "girlfriends" who I never so much as held hands with, and who I always felt uncomfortable around.

*looked forward to eventually getting into relationships that I actually enjoyed, but I found that I had no desire to date any of my female classmates. So for a few weeks in the eighth grade, I privately tried the label "asexual." I would have accepted that I'm gay so much earlier if I hadn't heard the term thrown around as an insult. But soon came "that age" in which non-asexual individuals have no choice but to acknowledge their attraction.

*As I started to notice boys more, everything came into place. I realized that this was "that feeling" my dad told me I would experience for girls, but in an unexpected context. Suddenly, I knew the reason I would always feel "uncomfortable" when shirtless men would appear in the films my family watched together. I knew the reason I felt so drawn to some of my male friends, and why I tried so hard to impress them and get their attention. I had finally discovered a part of myself that I had chosen for so long to deny, but instead of feeling satisfied, I went through a period of self-hate and depression. I didn't want to be the subject of everyone's jokes, and the victim of even more bullying than I already received. At that point, I believed in the Christian interpretation of god (I now have no religion), and I believed that he hated me.

What really lead me to accepting my sexuality was the Internet. I shed tears over YouTube's "It Gets Better" videos, learned about The Trevor Project, and occasionally got glimpses of this website from Google search results. For the first time, I truly felt as if I'm not completely alone, and that I'm not a mistake.

*I knew that I couldn't bear to never tell anyone, especially since all my classmates would so often*describe their own crushes, boyfriends, and girlfriends. My first step in coming out was establishing that I support LGBTQ rights. I would mention my anger about homophobia to a selective group of friends who, surprisingly, agreed with me. After several sessions of me saying the words "I'm gay" to my own reflection, I repeated those words to the same friends. Some of my friends seemed genuinely surprised, some denied it, but overall, they either accepted me at first or learned to accept me over time. This was around the last time I had control over who knew and who didn't. The rest of my coming-out story will ensue later.

One day over the summer between the Eighth and the Ninth grades, I received a Facebook message from someone I only knew the name of. She told me that a guy liked me, and she asked if I'm gay. She, like a surprisingly large amount of classmates, used the miracles of "gaydar" to figure it out. She may have known because of stereotypes, the pitch of my voice, and the tightness of my jeans, but I was too overjoyed to feel concerned. After I told her the truth, she told me that she herself is lesbian. I always told myself that I wasn't alone, but then I had evidence. As soon as I got this boy's number, the act of texting him paved its way into the latest hours of every night. He and I kept nothing from each other, and we continued texting for a few weeks, and soon made our first plan to see each other.

*We met in the local park, and we could identify each other because of the pictures we exchanged. We tried to act as close to being a couple as two closeted teens in public could. We walked together to get sodas, the whole time engrossed in conversation, and then to his house. Since none of his family members were present, we took the opportunity to hold each other, and whisper phrases like "I'm so glad I found you."

The day before school started, I got a text from him telling me that he couldn't date me anymore. He never replied when I asked him why, but I later found out that his dad had read through all of our messages and pieces together the information he refused to accept. My boyfriend lost access to the Internet, as well as any method he could use to contact me. Our interactions became limited to talking before school started every day and brief smiles in the hallways. One day however, he invited me to go to a school football with him. While there, he told me he planned on coming out completely, and he wanted me to display affection with him. I sat as close to him as I felt that it was safe to, and told him I love him in a voice that no one else could hear. Eventually, a group of about four classmates approached us and, not on a mocking manner, asked of we're dating. Somehow, the answer spilled out, and I analyzed their faces, trying to know what they thought of it. To my surprise, they found our relationship adorable and supported us wholeheartedly.*

What I didn't know is that those people told others, who told others, until virtually everyone knew my secret. My boyfriend and I became the subject of a plethora of rumors, and the target of bullying. Partly because of this, we broke up, and we haven't "dated" again since. The harassment I received came in several "flavors," some bible-related, some schoolboyish, and some sexual, including sarcastic catcalls and, as much as I despise this term, "butt-slaps." My advice to anyone being harassed on the basis of sexual orientation is to establish that you do not take the comments you hear as an insult. After all, what is one to do after the boy he calls gay actually is, and is confident about his*sexuality? Eventually, former bullies grew accustomed to me, and today, I can honestly say that life is better now. I made new friends in exchange for those I lost, and I now have more and closer friends than ever. Eventually, I told my parents, and after a few rounds of "you can't be sure at this age" and "we don't want you to be gay," they fully accepted me.

That's all I have to say for now! I'm sorry if what I said was too personal, but hey, that's what Emptyclosets is for, right? Thanks for reading my long, ranty story.

---------- Post added 31st May 2013 at 02:29 AM ----------

I apologize for the random asterisks, spelling errors, and any other awkward aspects of this post. I typed this on an iPod late at night, ha. If the post is too long, basically, I'm a gay teen who's iffy on gender, I had a boyfriend for a while, and then I was forced out of the closet, but it turned out fine.

 

I think something went wrong, and now I can't see the content of this thread. Perhaps I'll never understand technology.

 

Thank you, everyone! I'm in a better state now, but any support I recieve is still appreciated.

I do enjoy writing, but only when I feel passionate about the subject. I can never find the motivation to write better school essays. My favorite author is John Green, and I want to have published works someday. I don't necessarily mean books (since that would be too difficult), so posts like this thay a few people can read are satisfactory.

I wish someone had told me what Counting Stars did earlier, so thank you! I don't mean to sound anti-religious; in fact, some of the people who accepted me the most are Christian, and can never be grateful enough for their support.

I feel like I fit in here, so I'll probably make many more posts in the future.