Genderqueer in a small town

Hi. You may call me Love.

I am a brand new member. I found this site as I was searching for a place on the internet where non-conforming gender/genderqueer could communicate and get advice. I have never met another person like myself who identifies as pangender. It took me until my early twenties to figure out why I could never seem to find the place where where I "fit". I left a small town at 19 and moved to the big city (Toronto, Ontario) where I thought I would finally find people who understood me. I threw myself into the gay scene and while I felt more comfortable I still never really felt like I belonged. Something was "off" and I still felt different. I can't remember how I came across discovering such a thing as pangender existed, but I just know that when I did everything finally made sense and I knew for the first time that there were other people out there just like me. It's really helped me to fully live my life the way I've always wanted to, and with a lot less fear. Because I may be a "freak" in a lot of people's eyes, but somewhere out there there's an army of us freaks. I know this even if I still may feel pretty alone most of the time.

I'm now 27 and last summer I had to leave the city and move back to my small town home. This was a very hard experience because not only was I leaving behind a city that felt like home and some good friends, it felt like I also had to leave myself behind. Nobody was going to get me here. I couldn't dress androgynous or wear make up or have my hair long. I put that part of myself away in a box for awhile.

That grew tired after a couple of months and I started to feel very restless and depressed. I decided I had come too far to try and start "blending in" now, so I started testing the waters. Going out in public alone can still be an uncomfortable experience sometimes (and I have been called a faggot) but I refuse to stop pushing forward. I live in a small town with a lot of small minds but I will be me no matter what.

Besides stares and comments, the biggest issue I've encountered so far is from a local establishment. There is only one bar with a dance floor in this town so that doesn't leave much options for someone who likes a good night out of dancing once in awhile. Well this bar has a dress code: "Come on out in whatever you choose but Guys keep those Tank Tops at home...." Dot dot dots and all. This was something I was unaware of the first time I visited this place. I didn't coat check my blazer; it was early December and really cold, but as you dance you get hot, so I took it off. Not long after I was pulled aside by a bouncer and told I had to put my blazer back on because the dress code said I couldn't wear a sleeveless shirt. This struck me as very odd. I found an employee who appeared to be of some authority and asked her about this apparent dress code rule, which she confirmed. She explained that the rule was in place because the guys would end up in ratty wife beaters which isn't a form of dress they want to be associated with. I understood. However, I tried to explain how uncomfortable this made me because I am a gender non-conforming person and she was lumping me in with this group of "guys". She seemed to sympathize but ultimately this didn't seem to matter much. Because I appear to be a guy and that is the rule the owner says a guy must follow her hands were tied. So to avoid a scene I obliged to keep my blazer on and tried to enjoy the rest of my night.

I attended this bar again in mid-April. I dreaded the getting ready process (which is usually the best part, am I right?). I knew what I wanted to wear, and I knew I wasn't "allowed" to wear it. I was starting to get really fed up with worrying about this - the the fact that I even had to worry this. It almost started to feel like a violation of my human rights. Because the average person in society looks at me and sees a boy in girls clothing, suddenly, that is being made my problem? Do I have to stand for this? I took to Facebook to vent in hopes of finding an answer. There was a surprising out pour of support, and a whole discussion on the issue ensued. I felt justified in challenging this bars "rule", but I still felt fearful. So I covered up with an American Apparel wet-look zip up. After a few drinks and when the dance floor started heating up I decided to test my luck. I let the zip up drop to my elbows for a few minutes. Okay, all clear. Then to my wrists. Then I just took it off, and it stayed off until they shut the place down for the night. Not a word from anyone about my "violation" of the dress code.

Well last Saturday a friend and I wanted to go dancing. I thought this issue was unspokenly resolved, well let me re-phrase that, I had faith that it was resolved. I went there with my faith in tow and I was instantly refused admission into the the bar at the door. There was no reasoning with the door guy, so I asked to speak to the owner. I was told he had gone home to "shower", so I asked to speak to whomever was in charge at the moment. I was told it would be an hour before the manager would have time to speak to me (this was likely a ploy to try and discourage me from "bothering" anybody with my silly issue). I agreed I would wait as long as I had to. Not more than 10 minutes later, the manager appeared to speak to me. I knew right off the bat that there was likely no chance that anything I said would get me into that bar, but I had a lot I needed to say anyway. It was a long shot that a conversation about non-gender conformity and not identifying myself as any one gender was going to get through to this guy. But it was his complete failure to even try to understand, really listen, or empathize that was the truly upsetting part. In fact, I would say he was absolutely intolerant. Basically, he didn't give a shit about how I feel or live my life, but to him I appear to be a guy so I can't come in wearing a tank top (the heels and make up were okay though?). He kept telling me I was unnecessarily turning this into a matter of sexual orientation discrimination. I don't know if he couldn't or if he just refused to grasp the concept of what I was saying. It was never about my orientation, it is about my gender.
I was just told repeatedly that people of the male gender must wear sleeves according to dress code. I'm not stupid, that I understood after being told once. But when I repeatedly tell someone that they are making me feel uncomfortable by forcing me into a category where I don't belong and they blatantly ignore it each time, is that not wrong? You are completely disrespecting me as a person. And then, to finally tell me that I am shoving my "opinions down your throat"? That makes it quite clear that you are hearing what I am saying and you just disagree and therefore I must be wrong and need to shut up. I certainly know who I am and how I feel better than you do so what I am hearing is that I am not allowed in your bar. Especially when it comes down to you saying that by law you have the right to refuse entry to whomever you want without explanation.
Cherry on top: the bystander who kept chirping in on the conversation I was having with the manager (in support of the manager's side, of course) high-fiving the manager as I finally walked away in defeat.

I know in my heart of hearts that what's happening here isn't right and isn't fair. I care too much about myself to let myself be treated like this. I, and others like me in the transgender/gender non-conforming community, must have rights. The Toronto school system must follow guidelines to accommodate students who identify this way, so why should businesses who cater to a vast public not have to? We don't live in a perfect society but we don't live in one where they still have "Whites Only" signs in shop windows and intolerance of that nature. How is this any different?

I'm prepared to go through life misunderstood by the masses. I'm prepared for all the uncomfortable and awkward moments ahead: deciding which public washroom to go in or being reminded by a salesperson that these shoes are womens sizes. I'll deal with the stares, comments, and the like. If that's the price I have to pay to live my life as the person I truly am then so be it. What I can't deal with is being told I have to be something that I am not. I shouldn't have to. I could easily run back to Toronto and leave this shit behind. The option has been placed in front of me and I am this close to grabbing it. But I think something needs to change in this town and I can't go anywhere until I make sure that happens. For the next genderqueer kid, may they hopefully feel at home here.

I can't believe that this is the end and I have to accept and swallow this injustice. Legally, I and those like me must have rights. We do, don't we? I need some help with this matter.

 

Thank you. I hope I didn't come off too aggressive. This probably wasn't the right forum to discuss my issue but once I started writing my intro it all just poured out.

 

Are they allowed to do this? Kick us out, refuse us entry? This is 2013. This doesn't seem right. This doesn't seem legal. It's against our basic human rights.

 

I am so sorry to hear that. I find it unfathomable that there are no laws about this. I wonder if that is the same case in Canada? I wouldn't want to go back to any place that made me feel unwelcome (and I certainly don't want to return to that bar), but I can't accept that we can just be refused service because of how we look/who we are and there's absolutely nothing we can do about it...