Would love to hear from people who have been in a similar situation. This is my reply to a woman hurt by husbands coming out. I am a man who after 20years of marriage and 3 children, came out as gay and I hope that hearing it from my side of the fence can help you. I can fully understand the torture and pain you have had to live, but PLEASE do not blame yourself or try to go mad trying to work out what and why it fell apart. After FINALLY admitting to myself that I am a gay man, I've been able to reflect on my life growing up, highschool, meeting my future wife etc. Yes, I realize NOW that I had always been gay but back then it was something I would not, could not identify with or act on. I was teased in primary and highschool for being too sensitive, too caring. You must be a poofter, *** etc. this hurt me deeply and I became so ashamed. If I ever (for example) see a good looking guy, I would bury those thoughts and feelings so deep down and hoped they'd never ever surface. So I met this great girl, who I loved spending time with, going out with and always having such great times. Without having to think very hard, I travelled that path. Marry and start a family. This is what I must do for myself and my friends (and thought I wanted to do, more than anything). But sadly as the years progressed, my true feelings and my true self could no longer be suppressed. During the last 4 or 5 years of our marriage, I became severely depressed, just could not understand what was happening to me and why????. The turning point for me was having my 15 year old son find me naked on the bathroom floor, semi conscious after overdosing on Valium. It was then I started to seek help. I see now that this was my cry for help, my cry to be the person I was born to be. But I still kept saying to myself "I can not leave, what about my kids? My wife did not work, how would she survive?" For obvious reasons, our marriage was on a fast downward spiral. My wife actually asked me a few times during the last 12 months, "are you Gay? If you are, it's fine. We will always be best friends" I denied it each time, for me all of those schoolyard bullying, name calling and shame etc just came flooding back! So due to the fact that we were making each other totally miserable, I left. I slept and lived in my car for several weeks, driving past our house and seeing the lights on, crying and sobbing uncontrollabley. Jumping ahead 6 months, I started to get my "****" together. Got my own place to rent and met this fantastic guy at a club. 4 months after this, he moved in with me. When my wife discovered this, she was SO happy for me and we even joked and laughed about it. I week later, it all changed. Her embarrassment, shame and hurt hit her big time. She was screaming at me. " You wasted my life" all I could do was cry also saying that I was so sorry, I never meant to hurt you. That was nearly 3 years ago now. I'm still with the same guy and very much in love and finally true to myself, as if such a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Unfortunately things got bad to worse (and beyond) with my wife. She has turned all my children against me and has become the nastiest person I have ever known or heard of. So what I wish for you to understand is NOT to blame yourself. It's is not your fault and it is not his fault! It is just unfortunately one of those complex learning curves that do hurt and cut you to the bone, but as they say, life goes on, make the most of it, life is WAY too short!!!! Take Care, Mic Xxx(!)
Hey Mic, thanks for the story, it was a good read. Glad to hear that you were able to find self-fulfillment but I'm sorry to hear about how your wife turned out. I have a couple of questions for you though, as I'm kinda struggling to find my own way with sexuality (feel free to read my extended rant in my recent threat "any advice/feedback appreciated" ). Did you always know you were gay or not really? I know you said how you kind of ignored those feelings, but were you acting out homosexually in any way before you came to the grand realization later in your life? For instance, did you get turned on by homosexual pornography, realize that you were NOT turned on by women, cheat on your wife with guys or even do sexual things with guys before you were married? I'm at a place in my life where I'm 27, have a pretty extensive history with being straight and always found myself aroused by women, not particularly attracted to males, nor have any real desire to be with a man. That being said, I identify with just about every symptom of what I recently found, something informally called "Homosexual OCD" For a while I've had a lot of thoughts about how I might be gay, but can't seem to reconcile or come to any conclusion about why I am thinking these things if I don't particularly have any sexual attraction to males. Or maybe I'm just SO repressed that I have conditioned myself to be aroused by women when what I really want deep down is males? It's very strange. Anyway, I'd be interested in learning about your process of self-discovery, for instance, were you comfortable knowing that you were straight for all those years and then something changed, or you always knew in your heart you were gay and just decided to hide it? Sorry to be so confusing
Hello and :welcome: Mic. There's a pretty healthy community of us folk who are coming out later in life here. We even have our own sub forum! Check it out I'm sure you find people and stories you can relate to. (*hug*)
