Hi everybody. Sorry for the length of this, this is my first time putting everything out there and I don't expect any of you to actually read all of this but I really need to get it off my chest and share my feelings with others so that I don't feel so alone. So anyone who reads or responds to this, please know that I appreciate it very much. Well, here it goes: I want to start off by saying that I'm new to this forum and that I'm also new to accepting myself. I've been denying my sexuality for a long time and been telling myself, out of fear, that I'm straight. Only recently have I admitted to myself that I am attracted to men as well as women. I'm not completely comfortable with myself yet and it's still hard for me to know and accept that I am this way. I was born into a fairly religious family and until a few years ago we went to church almost every weekend. My parents have been sending me to religious ed classes since I was very little and I now attend a Catholic high school, so I've pretty much always had bible stuff shoved in my face. This, along with my religious parents is most of why I've denied my sexuality up until recently. I remember around the time when I was in seventh or eighth grade, when I first started to hear about people who were fighting for gay marriage and I had some questions about it, my father, in a staunchly anti-gay miniature speech, told me, "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." I don't know where he heard this but I lived the next few years believing that gay people weren't what God intended. I know now that this is not true and that part of the reason I agreed with him was because I was afraid that I wasn't straight like everybody else. For the past few years I've been struggling with self-mutilation and questions about my sexuality have been large part of the reasons for that. I used to hate myself for being unsure of my sexuality. I wanted to kill myself and on numerous occasions, wished that I had never been born. I used to think that God messed up when he made me or that I was just some kind of sick joke. I've recently begun to accept myself and that is largely due to the support I have received from the only friend I've felt comfortable coming out to. She immediately accepted me and told me that my sexuality wouldn't change anything because she cares about me for who I am, not my sexual orientation. She's been encouraging me to accept myself for who I am and I am slowly coming around. I thought if I were able to find others like me I might be better able to accept myself. That's when I found this forum. I've read many stories about people being accepted and being much happier after coming out and admitting their sexuality to themselves and to others. I hope that one day I'll be able to have this kind of happiness. I am going to come out to my sister when she comes home from college in a week. She is the most important person in my life and is the person that cares about me most of all. I know she will accept me and love me for who I am so I am hoping her support will help me to love myself again. The biggest fear I have right now is that if I come out, I will lose all or most of my male friends. They know that I like women, I've dated multiple but only one that they don't ridicule. They make jokes about the others and make fun of me for dating them. I was ok with it at first because that’s just how guys are and some of the things that they would said were funny but there are times when they take it way too far. I'm worried something similar will happen if I come out to them. I really don't need them making fun of me anymore than they already do. They make just about as many jokes about me as I'm able to handle and I honestly think that if they knew my sexual orientation and began to make jokes about it that my life on this earth would end very quickly. I've made some big mistakes in my relationships in my past and I've hurt some people I really cared about and have punished myself physically for that. I know that I would do more damage to myself if I were ridiculed for my sexuality. Some of my male friends and I are very physical with one another, always in a joking manner, so I do receive some jokes about my sexuality but they are usually pretty funny, so I don't mind them, and I play along, almost always admitting my bisexuality under a mask of jokes and sarcasm. Being able to admit it to them without them actual realizing it is kind of a nice relief for me. I'm very close with some of my male friends, especially the ones I play sports with. We change in the same locker room, eat lunch together, hang out quite often and have even slept in the same bed on a few occasions, usually while at a hotel on a team trip. I have never seriously tried to flirt, hit on, or make any type of romantic advance on any of them, because I respect their sexuality. My greatest fear is that if I come out to them, things will change. I'm worried that they will no longer feel comfortable around me, whether it be sitting next to me at lunch, occasionally exchanging a hug like we sometimes do, changing in the locker room, sharing a bed on a team trip, sleeping over at each other's houses, or even just spending time together in general. I've never made any type of non sarcastic advance on any of them and I never will because I know and respect that they are straight, even though I may not be. I'm worried that they won't see things the way I do and that they will start to see my non-romantic compliments, jokes, and actions as attempts at flirting with or hitting on them. This is my greatest fear regarding my sexuality and the main reason I think I'm going to remain closeted at least until the end of high school. Another concern I have about coming out is in regards to where I attend school. I currently go to a Catholic high school and one of my greatest fears is that being open about my sexuality will result in alienation and cruelty, not only from my close friends but from my other schoolmates, including those I don’t normally associate with. In my religion classes I have to listen to my teacher claim that homosexuality is wrong and not what God intended. I always wonder, "if God didn't intend for homosexuality to be correct, then why would he make so many of us this way?" I worry that I'll face ridicule from teachers and students alike and that I'll end up feeling alone again and like an outcast. I wouldn’t be surprised if the administration sent me to see the school counselors that they have after finding about my sexuality. I was practically forced to see one last year when one of my teachers, a truly amazing woman, found out about my cutting. She is one of the few decent people at my school and one of the few I actually have respect for. I'm worried that my school will punish me for my sexuality, whether the punishment is intentional or not. I really just want to be accepted for who I am as a person and not be judged and made fun of for my sexual orientation, political views, personal interests, or my self-mutilation. I'm worried that I'll end up feeling alone and unwanted by the very same people I feel so close to now. To those of you that read all of this, thank you for taking the time to read my story, I appreciate it more than you know.
I suggest that you post this in another section, actually. I did read everything, by the way ; ) I hope that sharing this was cathartic for you. Welcome to EC. I hope that you can find solace here, and that it can transfer over to your daily life. It really sounds as though you're primarily worried about 2 or 3 things: -coming out at school and being alienated and/or punished for it -coming out and losing your guy friends -coming out to your parents As you may already have planned, coming out to your sister may be a wise choice, if you feel that you're ready for it. It sounds as though she'd be very accepting, but keep in mind that many first reactions are not what you may expect them to be, whether it's an under-reaction or a slightly-negative one. I almost guarantee that, in the long run, she'll be there to support you 150% =) An option that exists in the future would be to move away for college/university to a more liberal and accepting place. I don't know where you live in California, but perhaps it is one of the less accepting places... and if so, moving someplace else may be helpful. Things get better as you grow older, and that is because you earn and gain freedom to surround yourself with anyone you want, in general. You could choose to live where you want, aim to get a type of job... Keep that in mind =) Again, posting this elsewhere will likely yield more responses and input. I'm glad you have found a friend who can accept you for who you are, and those kinds of friends are the ones you want to make lasting connections with. Perhaps you'd appreciate some bananas and a group football huddle? (!)(!!):dead: (&&&)
I also read all of your post, and first off, welcome to EC. I could try to relate to your post but your situation is a heck of a lot different than mine. I just want you to know that you are never, ever alone. And from what you said, it looks like it's only uphill from here. I wish you the best of luck in accepting yourself, coming out fully, and learning to love yourself.
Thank you both for reading it all and replying. It means a lot . And sharing was quite relieving. You're right about what my worries are. I just don't want my life to change in a negative way. The city that my house is in is very accepting and there plenty of other people who are gay, lesbian, or bisexual here. My cousin who is gay lives not too far away from me and he is well accepted here. But I spend most of my time in another county, because I have always gone to school a fair distance from my house and most of my friends live pretty far away from me. The area that I spend most of my time in is definitely more on the conservative side, along with my school. I definitely want to go away for college, I'm just still unsure of what I want to do so I haven't decided where I should go yet. Although my experience with this forum is brief, I've started to realize that there are a lot of other people like me in this world and I'm starting to realize that I'm not by myself. There are others who are asking themselves the same questions and facing the same struggles that I am. Thank you both for your support and those are some pretty awesome bananas. Haha I think I may split my original post up into a few different questions and post them elsewhere. Thanks for the advice!
