Good Day To You All

Good Day,

I reached Empty Closets when I was looking for support groups/forums and simply places to get new friends. I've known that I'm gay for a while now and my god did I have a hard time accepting it at first. One could say that I'm still coming to terms with this all, but I've come far from my first days. At first I hated myself, wished I would be straight and all that. There's this video on YouTube, where a high school senior talks about her struggle. Basically, she went through what I'm going through right now. It was up there as a part of the Proud To Love thing. Anyways, I just wanted to be normal and not be rejected by anyone, like most other struggling teens.

Then I forgot and didn't think about that at all. I just focused on my hobbies, my work at school and the more important things in life. It is kind of amazing that I used to be bullied for 4-5 years because I'm a ginger and now I am one of the more popular students at school, because I do all those things and I get along with people. My classmates have become so close to me now and we're like a big family, which is so cool. It certainly helps with having to wake up in the morning and not be afraid of going to school because of some jackass classmates. But believe it or not, most of my really close friends are school seniors, actually the lot who just graduated consisted nearly entirely of my close friends.

But all that gay stuff started to come back to me. I began wondering things again and then I managed to somehow develop this crush on a straight guy. It was existent for a while and then disappeared, since I realized that he wasn't worth it. But then he got replaced by one of the graduates I was just talking about. A close friend. And that hit home hard. We are good friends. He is a wonderful person, he is near perfect in my eyes. But I don't want to ruin our friendship. I just can't tell him that I'm gay AND that I like him. Maybe I should just come out to him? It is rather nerve-wracking, but I can't get him out of my head. I sometimes think about the future and I see him there beside me. But he's straight and all, so I try to not think about it. He's had a relationship with a girl, ain't sure if they're together anymore, don't think so though. But yes. It is indeed not a pleasant feeling.

I am not out to anyone yet. I just don't want to come out to my family, parents in particular, since I rely on them for a few more years and I can't handle the drama. My mother especially, is the type to get a bit too excited and shocked and everything. And then they'd want to have this "mature and emotional" talk about things, which I'm not good at. I actually hate such emotional talks with my parents. It just makes me feel uncomfortable. The way I see it: Accept me as I am or get out. However, I may think so right now, who knows what I'll think in a year, 4 years? I still don't want to tell my family yet, however. I would tell my friends, but again there's the drama thing. And I've come to a realization that not many like gays and are actually homophobes. So no need to complicate things by saying that one of your closest friends is gay. I need friends right now.

Coming back to the crush thing, I just want to point out that I think of my friend very often, yes, but I try not to. Then, I stumble upon some ridiculously sweet videos of gay couples (Russmarine2014 on YouTube being the prime example for me) and see those two men happy and everything. That makes me think of the guy once again, imagining him with me and then I get all emo and shit :U But yeah, if anyone hasn't checked Russ' channel out, definitely do so. He's a gay marine, which is awesome :U

Oh right, I'm 17 and from Estonia as well, forgot to mention that. I hope I can get some cool friends from here and hell, maybe some help on things. I talk a lot, as you can see from this thread. Or maybe I write a lot. Okay, I write a lot and I talk a lot too, which is both a blessing and a curse. I'd also want to point out that one song, which is really good in my eyes and actually makes me think about a lot of things is The Story by Brandi Carlile. I do like the Sara Ramirez cover more, maybe because I'm her fan as well and I watch Grey's Anatomy. I'll probably finish with a quote from the new Tomb Raider game. This Lara quote perhaps inspires other gay people in some ways. It actually can be understood from a gay perspective very well. Forget the fact that it's from the Tomb Raider game and that it says that Lara must become a survivor and whatnot. Anyways, I hope we'll have a fun time together here and have a good day

"A famous explorer once said, that the extraordinary is in what we do, not who we are. I'd finally set out to make my mark, to find adventure. But instead adventure found me. In our darkest moments, when life flashes before us, we find something. Something that keeps us going. Something that pushes us. When all seemed lost, I found a truth. And I knew what I must become." - Lara Croft

PS: The username is like... from using a name generator, so don't judge :U It would have taken me forever to think of a name...

 

Oh indeed, those TR games were wonderful. Winston (the butler) was somewhat scary yes, since he followed you everywhere

 

Thanks guys
And splendid to hear that my random username actually connects with someone

 

Many thanks people