Letter #9

This letter was written by limfjord96 before he came out to his parents.

You can view the thread discussion here:
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?p=431879

The replies from his parents can be seen below his letter.

Dear Mom,

I am writing you a letter because I don’t know how else to say it. I know probably by that opening line you have already guessed what this letter is about. I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I am Gay or at least 99% so.

It wasn’t an easy journey, as I have tried so hard for so long to not be. I wanted more than anything to be the perfect son, and make you guys proud of me. My whole life has been devoted to trying to achieve the quintessential American boys dream, a successful career, a loving family a wife and kids with a big house and car. I have tried for so long to be the funny one, the happy one, the smart one, the successful one, and in doing so I have lied to myself and that lie has festered inside for so long to the point where I had to let it out.

What I am about to say may alarm you but in no way is it my intention. Over the last few weeks I have been speaking with some online support groups, and this whole “coming out” process has been so difficult. Imagine yourself growing further apart from yourself with each day and each new strange sense of reality that is slowly crushed by your desire to not be who you are. Dramatic? Yes. I was rock bottom, and I was so filled with depression and self loathing that I was contemplating the unthinkable, and it was pretty much “own up to it, or don’t go on living.” That’s when I told Nick. And I was pleased at how supportive he has been. He literally saved my life. I have only told a few people, including Robert and two friends at work and have had no negative reactions yet. I find myself day in and day out happy one day sad the next, accepting one day, hating myself the next. I get choked up but never cry. I haven’t cried for like ten years, my emotions have been so tightly packed that I feel like maybe I have lost the capability to cry. I haven’t had the courage to tell Todd, or Ryan, but the strength is growing with every new person I get support from. I feel like they will be understanding, but the thought of losing the relationship that I have with those two scares me more than the uncertainty of my future.

I hate that I have to do this in a letter, I hate it so much. I hate that I can’t just say it. I thought yeah it was a phase, or I am only thinking these things because I hate the way I look, and I want to look like that guy, but sadly I find that now I feel like I look some what ok, and my theory has been swiftly crushed. I would feel bad about not being able to give you grand kids, and a daughter-in-law, except I feel that with five sons you may have an abundance in the future. And maybe some day our bigot ridden society will allow me to give you another son-in-law. Besides, having a gay son is like the “in thing” now isn’t it? Consider yourself with the times. 

I don’t want to the whole world to know, for I feel my sexuality does not define me, while I will never go out of the way to tell people, I certainly don’t feel right lying anymore if asked. I know what you are thinking, well maybe I don’t. You may have already suspected this. Your thank you note read “I know that there is someone out there dying to share your life and ours,” and that struck to the heart of me. I was worried and freaking out that you might already know and were throwing a life line to me. My thought process was “oh man why didn’t she say some girl….does she know?” I suspect that you do know, well I guess you do now, but I guess that you suspected all along.

I don’t know how dad will take it, I suspect he will be ok with it, and you are welcome to share this with him, I just don’t think I could stand any disappointment that may come of this. I am still the same guy; I don’t plan on running around in spandex and waving the rainbow flag. But I am hoping to be able to start living for my own happiness, and I hope that you and the rest of the family will be able to accept that. White belt and all.

I feel that I am rambling now, because I know once I am finished with this letter then I have to send it, and that terrifies me. That and writing all this down helps me cope with the whole process. I love you guys so much, and nothing will ever change that. I will probably not answer the first phone call if you decide to call me after receiving this. The pit in my stomach just continues to grow when ever I wait to hear from anyone I tell. So talking on the phone might not be too successful at first.

I am sorry Mom, truly, sorry that I couldn’t tell you sooner, sorry that I couldn’t tell myself sooner, sorry that I have spent so much time trying to be some one that I am not. Sorry that I could only tell you in a letter. But most of all I am sorry that I feel so terrified to tell you this. Again, I love you, and I hope to speak to you soon.

His mothers reply:

To my funny, happy, smart, successful and quintessentially amazing son: I LOVE YOU and the only tragedy in this reality would be if you EVER felt anything less than secure in knowing how very much everyone loves and respects you! You complete this family as only you can, just as each of your siblings complete it in their unique way as well. Nothing will alter that. I don't even know where to start - we have a great connection, you and I, and you are right, I wanted to pick up the phone before I had even finished your letter because I want you to know so much that has been in my heart for so long. But I will wait until you feel the time is right. I have felt your angst and have seen your struggle and have yearned for the day your burden would be eased. I have felt your conflict in the past few weeks (don't ask me how, I just did) and have been expecting a revelation any time. I didn't know exactly how to help you make this journey "out" and yes, the phrase in my note is exactly what you thought it was. It was my way of trying to reach out to you without stepping over a boundary into an area that would cause you any discomfort. I hope I haven't failed you by not knowing precisely how to guide you through a process I have prayed wouldn't be a painful one for you, and yet, I now see that it has been a struggle I would have done anything to help you get through. Please don't be sorry and don't be sad to have done this in a letter - I am not alarmed or upset or hurt or anything but elated that you will be able to now move forward in an extraordinary life filled with so much promise. It will be a fortunate man who gets to be a part of your life and this family. Remember, I am a mother of sons - there's always room for one more!! And who says you can never give me grandkids? If you want to be a parent, and what a great dad you would be, you certainly have that option open to you in the future. And if not, what lucky little nieces and nephews you have! The ony regret I have is this society of ours may not always make life easy for you - something I'll continue to do my best to change. You are not alone and I am so glad you have been able to locate support groups. I don't know if you are aware of this, but my very good friend _ ___________ is gay and came out to me years ago. He would be honored to be your friend and sounding board if you ever need him. I want SO badly to be there with you to talk to you and hug you and tell you how uber(?) proud I am of you. I feel so distressed thinking of you being depressed and filled with self loathing and I want your friends to know they have my forever gratitude for recognizing you are indeed the same "you" they have always loved. I see you sent this letter on 3/1/09 but I have been so busy with Ryan and Amanda I haven't checked my mail. Now I am feeling worried my delayed response may have caused you some anguish, for which I am so sorry. I have replied the second I finished reading it, and I was alerted to it by a text from Todd. I will keep your news to myself or tell your dad and Ryan if you want me to. I'm not real clear on exactly how you want me to proceed, but whatever you decide, we can do it together if you want. It hurts my heart that you felt terrified to send the letter, but I certainly understand why you were. Promise me those feelings are behind you and that you understand you need never feel them again when it comes to sharing any aspect of your life with me. You will NEVER disappoint us. We are so honored to be your parents and recognize what a privilege it is to have you as our son. I hope we can talk soon. Be happy - I love you so much! Mom PS You would probably look great in spandex!!

His fathers reply:

Hi Dan,

Mom shared your letter and hers with me and you can rest assured that
nothing changes between us. You are and will always be special to me. My
only concern is your well being and happiness. I hope that you will feel
comfortable in talking to me about your feelings and I regret my poor taste
in jokes and comments. Had I known how it made you feel, I would never have
said them. Danny, I truly apologize for any discomfort that I have ever
caused you.

Just remember, I love you and am very proud of you..

Dad