Planning on doing it tomorrow night... freaking out a little.

As a follow-up to my first thread on EC (thanks again for all the advice, help and support!) ...

I just made plans with my best friend (straight) for tomorrow night. We're gonna hang out at his place, grab a bite to eat, and watch this Sunday's Game of Thrones together. Maybe play some video games as well. My original plan/suggestion was for me to just hang out for a bit (and I'd tell him while I was there), and then leave when it got late. But he said he was off Wednesday, so I could spend the night if I wanted. I mean, we've done that a ton over the years so it's fairly normal. Saves me a trip back to my place at like 3am and means I can drink without worry. My only concern is when I come out to him, I'm kind of afraid he might want some time to process things (I really don't think he will honestly but it's still a small fear), and will ask me to leave. Again, I don't think he will because I've known him for almost 20 years, and he has no problem with gay people. But.. yeah.

Anyways... that's actually not what this thread is about really. I'm starting to freak out a little because I've finally decided to come out to him... and it's just a day away. When I sent the text message asking to meet up either tonight or tomorrow night, I felt like I was gonna hyperventilate and my hands were shaking a little, lol. Is that normal? Kind of afraid he's gonna know something is wrong the second he opens the door. :icon_redf :icon_redf

 

Yeah... my anxiety has only gotten worse since deciding I would come out to him. I'm barely eating and am having a lot of trouble sleeping at night. Even making the plans to meet up was kind of hard because I knew what I would be doing. :x Don't get me wrong, I'm ready to come out to him... I'm tired of hiding who I am, but... yeah. lol

And I think you are probably right. I should do it before starting to drink (frankly, I should do it while sober anyways I'd imagine). I don't think I'd be able to last very long after arriving before the anxiety would get to me, anyways. Thanks!

 

Thanks! I will definitely post an update either tomorrow night (if I have time) or Wednesday after I tell him.

haha, Game of Thrones seems like the perfect time to come out to someone, right?

 

Thanks so much everyone for your "good lucks" and support. (&&&)

I'm still fairly anxious and might not sleep very well tonight, but I think/hope after tomorrow, I'll feel a lot better. I've put it off for way too long. I'll update the thread either late tomorrow if I can.

 

Well.. I'm back with my story.

So... I get to his place around 7pm, but I sit in the car for a minute because I was feeling incredibly anxious. I looked in the rearview mirror, and it looked like I was about to burst into tears, lol. I just stared forward for a few seconds and closed my eyes, and by that point, he had come to my car. I think he was curious why I was just sitting there not doing anything, but he didn't say anything in particular about that.

After I took my stuff in, he suggested we go get some dinner, and I agreed. I really wanted to tell him before that, but since I was gonna be the one driving, I felt it best to not break down while behind the steering wheel (and possibly crash ). So I just held my tongue and we got the food and came back to his place. I thought "okay, I'm not gonna be able to eat.. I'm not hungry." So I kind of picked at my food while we watched Game of Thrones (which I was barely able to pay attention to), and ended up just covering the food up.

We finished the episode and I was just sitting there, staring at the floor. I didn't know where to even start. He gave me a look of "what's wrong with you?", and I just said: "There's been something I've wanted to tell you for a long time, but I just... ____, you're my best friend, and I just wanted you to know that.... I'm....................... (god this pause was brutal for me because I almost couldn't even say the word to him) gay." I glanced up at his face and then immediately started to stare at the floor again. I was on the verge of tears (but holding them back somehow). Basically, his reaction was "And...?" I just kind of sat there for a few seconds not knowing what to say. Then he said something like "___, I had my suspicions a long time ago, but was never positive. It's cool... don't worry." I just kind of smiled and he said "ah, now you look a lot happier." He had noticed something was on my mind and I wasn't really acting like myself.

We grabbed a couple beers and then we talked for a bit about quite a few things. He asked me how long had I known I was gay. I talked to him about it and how I struggled with it for a long time due to my family and environment (very homophobic parents and just the area we both grew up in was very religious). I started to cry a little when I told him I think my parents would hate me if they knew, and he just said "no matter what, they wouldn't hate you. They would just need time to get used to the idea." etc. We talked about how my brother might react, and how his (my friend's) family would react if one of their family members were gay. We talked about low points in both our lives, and how we should have been more open and honest with each other... Like, we could have helped each other get through those rough periods. And we agreed to always talk with each other about any problem or worry we might have.

Eventually, we got on other topics and talked for an hour or two. It felt so liberating to talk to him about it. He told me he was always here if I needed to talk, and how we should start going hiking soon. We played a couple video games, watched some tv, then went to bed. And then today when I was leaving, I told him I was very happy and thankful that he was so supportive of me and how I wished everyone was like him. He just said that he'd always be there for me and to always come talk to him about anything. I said the same to him.

And then I left. I basically smiled the whole way home. It was a nice feeling. The weird (and good) thing is... I used to have feelings for him since like high school, but for some reason, I don't anymore. I just see him as my best friend and nothing more. (I still think he's cute, but hey, I can't help that!) :dry: :lol:

Anyways... I just want to thank everyone here at EC who has been very supportive of my (sometimes) very long posts and concerns. I honestly do not think I would have been able to come out to him last night without everyone here. Thanks so much! (&&&) (&&&) I'm not done or anything... I will have more people to come out to, but this is a very good start! Now, I might actually start sleeping and eating again!

 

As someone who is "on the other side" (at least to those friends), it definitely feels great. Not having to hide who I am around them and having someone else to talk to about stuff just makes me so happy. Thanks for your posts/threads. They helped me find some confidence as well. I'm sure you'll get there soon!

 

Yeah, I wish everyone in the world was as kind and supportive as him. I'm glad to have him as a friend. Thanks - it definitely feels much better (partially out anyways lol)!

When the moment of truth came... when I knew I was about to say it... I was replaying all these scenarios in my head over and over. What words to use? How would he react? What would he say? It was hard to focus on just one, so.. I just went with whatever came out of my mouth and I guess it was the right way to tell him, lol. Now I'm kind of mad at myself for causing so much anxiety on my body the past week or so. Since deciding I would tell him, I seriously barely ate and had a lot of problems sleeping. Afterwards, I slept just fine last night.