Is "questioning" my sexuality just an excuse to stay closeted?

I can see why you wouldn't want to have to take something like that back, though I would take what I have to say with a fat grain of salt since I've yet to deal with this as a straight person. [I'm really hoping my reply will bump your thread back up for someone with better experience with this to read.]

I'm already distant from my parents, especially my dad, for our now-numerous political and religious differences. I feel apprehensive about introducing yet another wedge between us if I ultimately end up as unambiguously straight. It's so much easier to take the path of least resistance, in my case, because being straight is the overwhelming norm.

If you aren't already in college, maybe you should wait until then. Being away from family and friends [even a city away is something] can be very freeing. If it's a large university, that's all the better too. You will have so many more people to choose from and coming out may be less daunting in a wide group of people - as in, most people walking down the hallway won't even know you and will have little motive to judge.

At least in my social circles, I found that a lot of people found it easier to come out in college. They were much more sure of themselves and, at least at my school, had a lot more support to fall back on.

However, this sounds like it is (understandably) tearing you up inside. This must be especially true if you are already interested in a particular girl. So, if you really feel like you are putting a great deal of effort into maintaining a facade, coming out might lift a weight off of your shoulders. Maybe you could come even come out as bisexual. In fact, that may go over better with judgmental friends and family because it sounds more tentative.

 

I'm facing a similar problem, I fear that if I come out as gay, I won't be able to ever date a girl, which is something I would try, just to be sure. And If I come out as bisexual, people may think I'm unsure about my sexuality. I wish I could just know what my sexual orientation will be in 1 year, 2 years, 10 years so that I can come out in a definitive way.

 

None of you need to come out as anything until you feel comfortable with who you may be. The first step is coming out to yourself and I think you may be heading towards that, but not there yet. When you are no longer questioning, then you've come out to yourself. This can be an emotional journey so take it at your own pace. It's natural to want to put labels on ourselves, but it's not always that simple. The closet is not a nice place to be most of the time but as you're questioning and preparing to come out, sometimes it's where you need to be to figure all of this out. Are there any youth LGBT groups in your areas? If there are you should visit them and maybe find someone to talk about what you are experiencing or find others with similar experiences.

ChromeNerd: who are you attracted to? Are you attracted to men at all? Have you dated any in the past and if so how did it make you feel? Were you able to have an emotional connection with them? What about women, any experience there? The best thing since it does sound like you've concluded you're not straight is to let your natural instincts take over and see how you feel.

OutlawStar78: It's always easier to be straight, but you don't choose your sexual orientation. If you think you may like women than consider that possibility. What kind of attraction do you feel towards them? I convinced myself I was straight and I did such a good job of doing that I really thought I was and this led to many years of unhappiness, including being married. Take the time you need to figure this out and be true to yourself. Whether you're straight or not is ok, there is nothing wrong with either one.

Pie: Do you want to date a girl, is there any attraction? If you don't feel anything towards girls then dating one probably isn't going to change that and will only be leading her on and setting her up to be hurt if you determine you prefer boys. Look at it this way, heterosexual people don't need to date the opposite sex to determine whether they like them, they already know who they are attracted to. It's the same with us, except it's much less acceptable and we are considered deviant. Go with what feels right, you already know the answer to that. You're sexual orientation will not change, whatever it is now is what it is. What changes is your perception and level of acceptance of it. Take the time you need to figure this out.

 

Have you tried using the word "queer" to describe yourself instead of "gay"? Maybe the pressure to know yourself and your desires well enough to call yourself exclusively attracted to one gender has been interfering with your ability to say anything about yourself.

 

I thought I liked guys as well, I was married and had three kids. Never considered the possibility I liked women. I always thought I was emotionally distant and not romantic. Turned out that I'm only that way with men. With women I can have romantic feelings and let them close to me. Wish I had known earlier.

 

AAHHH this is my life see thread here

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/comin...ng-hard-time-sexuality-coming-out-regret.html

I don't know what to say other than be careful about waiting--ive been waiting since I was 13 to want to date women and 14 years later no desire so now I am trying to make moves finally

 

@ htbo omg you are me, im married to a man right now, we have 3 kids.im 32, thought I was straight all my life, always liked boys yet sexually nothing, not interested in being affectionate with them except for hugs, I thought I was unaffectionate not romantic too, my husband always complains im not affectionate enough its something i struggle with constantly, till I fall in love with my female friend, I write poems, I long to hug and kiss her, I buy her chocolates, turns out im very romantic, I write her love letters. Wish I knew this before, guess I supressed it.

 

I'm kind of similar. I'm not sure whether I'm gay, bi or maybe even asexual (nowadays I doubt it). And thus, if I call myself any of these and I'm not, and how am I supposed to date anybody confused like that? Isn't that disingenous?
Then again, I just come to the realization that I'm not (completely) straight and let anything else flow from there. Whatever that may be.

 

I am also facing a personal battle of finding out what my sexual orintation is. For now, I've settled on bisexual and have told 3 of my closest and most trustorthy friends. Telling them really took a lot of pressure off. Definitely keep it down to a select few people until you decide what dirction to take.

 

Some people that I have met did say that. However, in my case, I originally thought that I was bisexual. I still was questioning. There was no doubt in my mind that I was nothing close to straight, and I still needed a little bit of time to figure that out. So no, I don't see it as an excuse.

In the case of questioning if you're not straight or not, it's good to question. The worst case scenario would be that you don't question it, wind up with a wife/husband and 10-20 years down the road, discover that you really are whatever. Wouldn't that hurt even more? I didn't come out for 3 years after I discovered that I was gay because I wanted to be damn sure that I was.

 

Wow, you actually thought you were straight for years and then figured out you were a lesbian? I'm not poking fun at you. I'm just thinking it makes the confusion about this more understandable for everyone. Most of the people I've seen in my (albeit very limited experience) who "switched" orientations later in life were either closeted, had an inkling they were gay (but caved to conformity), or genuinely developed seemingly new romantic feelings for the same sex.

I guess if mental blocks can be that strong, it's no wonder that determining one's sexual identity is pretty difficult.

As for my situation in particular, all I've been able to comfortably determine is that I'm probably not 100% straight. I may be attracted to more women than men, but I'm not sure if my feelings for both sexes are perfectly interchangeable. Right now, it seems like the men I am attracted to are more sexually arousing than a woman can be to me, in most cases. At the same time, I think I have difficulties getting emotionally intimate with men - even though that's a prerequisite for me sleeping with them.

 

Wait to come out until you are sure. If you are attracted to both sexes, then you might be bi. But if you aren't attracted to people at all, then you could be ace. But I would suggest you to attempt relationships with both ( if you can ) because you could also be a bi romantic demisexual. (Someone who is sexually attracted to someone AFTER they begin a relation-ship. Many demisexuals have misidentified as ace, or bi.)

 

Food for thought ~ What would you think of the notion of coming out as just "most definitely not straight" and leaving it at that?