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Mom wants me to come out to phobic dad soon(out bisexual male input esp. needed)...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by QueerTransEnby, Jul 18, 2014.

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  1. QueerTransEnby

    QueerTransEnby
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    After me coming out(which initially went very well), my mom wants me to come out to my dad next week because she feels she cannot hold the 'secret" any longer. The problem is my dad is very homophobic and has made negative comments against gay marriage. He is an elder at my old church. My mom was very supportive when I came out and said, "I don't love you any less" and hugged me. She didn't backpeddle in her support of me personally in coming to terms with me, but she said, "You realize that I still believe the Bible, but you are also still my son."

    I am trying to get her to understand the coming out process is difficult obviously, and that there are some people I may never come out to or only come out to if and when I have a boyfriend. She felt the need to talk with two of her friends in order to have someone to discuss the situation. I said ok, but she wasn't able to tell them. I know a few of her friends are trustworthy, and the ones she is choosing to tell are. I just think this is moving rather fast.

    She also wants me to come as gay to my dad being that she thinks he would be more upset if I came out as bisexual. She herself is having a hard time understanding bisexuality despite me explaining to her. She thinks because I am more attracted to guys, it would be easier for my dad to accept. My thing is that I'm still attracted to some women and don't want to shut the door on them.
     
    #1 QueerTransEnby, Jul 18, 2014
  2. Kj802

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    Re: Mom wants me to come out to phobic dad soon(out bisexual male input esp. needed).

    Hello,
    My parents are also religious and my dad is a Homophobic pastor. I am Gay and have not com out yet. But I know when I do my parents will still love and accept me, my biggest problem is my parents will try to, 'pray the gay away' and convert me. My advice would be to if and when you do come out, to give your father some time, even writing a letter can help.
    Do you think your father will accept you or will he go into denial like a lot of parents do?
    Te best thing you can do is give him time.
     
    #2 Kj802, Jul 18, 2014
  3. QueerTransEnby

    QueerTransEnby
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    Re: Mom wants me to come out to phobic dad soon(out bisexual male input esp. needed).

    It's a good question. I wouldn't care if he went into denial quite frankly. I mean, it wouldn't surprise me. I am getting help from him financially because I lost my job. The thing I have going is my dad's side of the family knows, totally back me, and would be all over him if he cut me off. He has two very strong willed sisters that are Christian and pro-gay rights. His step-brother is also gay. They said they would get nasty towards him if he does anything. My mom and brother are on board, especially my brother. My mom's side is Catholic ironically, and I haven't come out to them yet. It's weird how this all has played out.

    I am not worried about the pray the gay away stuff. I just show my dad how Exodus International has been an utter failure. I am worried that he will throw Romans and 1 Corinthians in my face. But I have bookmarked a gay Christian thread before. I don't think I want any letter to get into a debate about the Bible because he always wins(he teaches Bible classes).

    My aunt(his sister), my brother, and mom will all be there when I come out. I just wish I knew the best way to be firm, yet not be overkill.

    Thanks for your post.
     
    #3 QueerTransEnby, Jul 18, 2014
  4. ShadowsRunner

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    Re: Mom wants me to come out to phobic dad soon(out bisexual male input esp. needed).

    Well I haven't told my dad but my mom and sisters know. There is a kid in my class that grew up with a very religious family and is completely against gay people and marriage, the whole stereotype image. Anyways back in April me and a few of my friends got into a "debate" with him on facebook in which we used logic and even the bible to counter everything he said but he still wouldn't budge.
    It made me learn those raised in that kinda a environment are very tough to change their views but he isn't my father so it can be very different. You are his son weather or not he goes into a denial or not he will realize he is your son weather he accepts your bisexuality.
    Whatever happens I'm rooting for the best. :slight_smile:
     
    #4 ShadowsRunner, Jul 18, 2014
  5. Kj802

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    Re: Mom wants me to come out to phobic dad soon(out bisexual male input esp. needed).

    It seems like you got it all sorted to me, I have this PDF that explains how it is perfectly fine to be gay and Christian. I know you might not be Christian but it may help you father. It is written by a lesbian Christian lady.
    https://christiangays.com/ebook/gay&christian.pdf
     
    #5 Kj802, Jul 18, 2014
  6. QueerTransEnby

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    Re: Mom wants me to come out to phobic dad soon(out bisexual male input esp. needed).

    I am Christian. :slight_smile: Check my sig. Just not a James Dobson Christian anymore. Hallelujah.

    Sidenote: If my mom subscribes to Focus on the Family as she does and still accepts me even while not agreeing with me on the issue, there is hope for the world yet.
     
    #6 QueerTransEnby, Jul 18, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2014
  7. Mirko

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    Re: Mom wants me to come out to phobic dad soon(out bisexual male input esp. needed).

    Hi there! It's definitely a difficult situation because on the one hand it seems that your mom would feel a lot more comfortable with your dad knowing, and presumably have someone to speak with, but on the other it doesn't sound like that you are ready for your dad to know. Even though your dad's side of the family is supportive, you still need to feel that it is the right time for you. In the long run, I don't think it would benefit anybody if your coming out to your dad is rushed and friction within the family emerges. From what you have mentioned, your dad will likely need some time to come around and gain a greater understanding.

    I would suggest that you try continuing to engage your mom and keep reiterating that coming out is difficult and that it is not something that can just 'simply' be done at times, and that you need a bit more time before you can come out to your dad. You could also try offering to your mom the possibility of coming out to her friends first, so that it would be easier for her to talk about things. How would you feel about that?
     
    #7 Mirko, Jul 19, 2014
  8. QueerTransEnby

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    Re: Mom wants me to come out to phobic dad soon(out bisexual male input esp. needed).

    Things have changed a little bit. I feel a little bit better about this whole thing now. Other than tweaking my previous letter, I think I am ready to go.
     
    #8 QueerTransEnby, Jul 20, 2014
  9. Mirko

    Mirko
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    Re: Mom wants me to come out to phobic dad soon(out bisexual male input esp. needed).

    If you feel ready to come out to your dad, that's all that counts. Coming out with a letter sounds like a good plan to me. :slight_smile:

    Hopefully it will go well. (*hug*)
     
    #9 Mirko, Jul 20, 2014
  10. tulipinacup

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    Re: Mom wants me to come out to phobic dad soon(out bisexual male input esp. needed).

    Yeah sounds like you have this all sorted out. I do think it's a very difficult situation on your part but you have to realise that your mum is also dealing with you coming out. This is all new to her so I think it's natural for her to want to ask for people's advice though she also has to understand that things has to be slowed down a bit.
     
    #10 tulipinacup, Jul 21, 2014
  11. QueerTransEnby

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    Re: Mom wants me to come out to phobic dad soon(out bisexual male input esp. needed).

    Well, it's reading a letter aloud actually. Will report back tomorrow.
     
    #11 QueerTransEnby, Jul 22, 2014
  12. Proginoskes

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    Re: Mom wants me to come out to phobic dad soon(out bisexual male input esp. needed).

    I came out as bi to my homophobic grandmother in a 6 page essay explaining exactly what bisexuality is. It took her a while to understand but, eventually she did. Good luck with the letter plan! Very good plan by the way. :slight_smile:
     
    #12 Proginoskes, Jul 23, 2014
  13. Sorceress of Az

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    Re: Mom wants me to come out to phobic dad soon(out bisexual male input esp. needed).

    I am not sure why some people have an issue with understanding bisexuality,
    but apparently some do.

    I am not out yet about my gender or orientation,
    but I think it would be wise to do it in a relaxed setting on a day when you are all alone and comfortable.
     
    #13 Sorceress of Az, Jul 24, 2014
  14. Candace

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    Re: Mom wants me to come out to phobic dad soon(out bisexual male input esp. needed).

    I think that it's a great idea that you send out a letter to your father explaining bisexuality more in depth to them. It'd be bad for him to think of bisexuality is a one size fits all thing, when in reality there are many forms of it. I hope that everything goes well and that you keep us updated with it. I'm very interested as to hearing what happens :slight_smile:.
     
    #14 Candace, Jul 24, 2014
  15. QueerTransEnby

    QueerTransEnby
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    #15 QueerTransEnby, Jul 24, 2014
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