I don't remember exactly when I began to feel these feelings towards guys, or where these feelings came from, but I do know they are real. I was a late bloomer; I have always looked younger than my age and hence girls always saw me as their little brother. It used to irritate me whenever they said I was cute. I wanted to be hot, not cute. I was attracted to girls since elementary school, since middle school, and then... I started watching porn? At first I remember jerking off at pictures of girls in swimwear, girls without tops, and videos of girls getting nude. Then I started watching videos of couples having sex, and I loved it! I wanted to be the guy in those videos. But at some point I began to look more at the guy than the girl in these videos. It was then when I first discovered these feelings towards guys. As of lately, while at college, I have realized that I am more attracted towards boys than girls. I would say that per every 2 girls I like, I like 8 guys. Most girls are just becoming average to me, and I no longer feel as attracted towards them. What has made it hard for me to accept these feelings and why the tittle of this thread is "I am not gay, I just like men" is that I don't fit the gay stereotypes, and so it is hard for me to associate with that word. I don't speak, express myself, dress, behave, etc. any different than straight guys. No one has questioned my sexuality in the past, and to be honest I don't want them to. I just want to have sex with men and not have to come out and be labeled as gay, but... Can I like men, and not be gay? Does anyone relate?
Hi, and welcome to EC. You're in the right place. First, let's dispel one myth: Gay men come in all shapes, sizes, varieties. There are gay football players, wrestlers, construction workers, police officers, car repairman. All jobs you probably think of as stereotypically "straight guy" jobs. Most of them don't either. So on to the next thing: You masturbate toward guys, you look at guys, and you find yourself attracted to guys over girls on about an 8:2 ratio. You no longer feel attaction toward girls. So, my friend... you have attraction to guys, and (for the most part) not to girls. This, essentially, means you're likely gay. I know that isn't what you want to hear. And I can't say definitively; only you can know the answer. But I think if you look at what you wrote, and what I said above... it's hard to make a case that you're straight. Here's something else to think about: Nobody who has been through the process of coming out and accepting they were gay wanted to be gay. Nobody. All of us wished we could be straight, tried to be straight, convinced ourselves, prayed, did all sorts of things. That's pretty normal. But being gay is hardwired early in life. That's not in dispute by anyone credible. You can't change it no matter what you do. So I can totally understand your reluctance to simply say you're gay, especially if your concept of gay people is swishy guys who, when they open their mouths, a purse falls out. But most of us aren't like that. And here's the last piece: When anyone goes through the process of dealing with a loss, (in this case, loss of identity as straight), there are stages we go through: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. They aren't always sequential, and it can take a few days or many years to get to self-acceptance. I suspect you're further along than you are ready to admit. You know you're attracted to guys, you're trying to rationalize how you can hold onto that, and still hold onto the straight identity. That's classic bargaining. And you're already posting here, and that takes a ton of courage and is a giant step. The next step is to just try to relax. Breathe. Don't worry about labeling yourself. You can take time and figure out what feels right to you. Talk as much as you want about it here... that's what we're here for
Chip's the man, I don't really have much to add.. I get the part about it being hard to think of yourself as gay if you don't fit the stereotype, growing up I felt like being gay didn't really fit with who I am but it's dumb. Seriously you can be gay and still be whoever you want to be and I think most people understand that now. I'm pretty much completely out at my rugby club and it's not a thing, people's perceptions of me haven't changed overnight.. You're gay if you exclusively like guys, it doesn't have to define you in any other way On whether there are people who can relate or not.. I'd say your experience is miles and miles away from being exclusively yours It took me quite a while from where you are now to being completely comfortable with it, but you will get there
I don't think it's possible to like guys and not be gay. If you feel an attraction to guys you are most likely gay. And that's nothing to be ashamed of but I know you must be used to only knowing straight and in a state of denial. We've all been there, a lot of people up there ^^^ have given great advice especially Chip. I'm not a lesbian but I do recognize myself as heteroflexible and it was a lot to take in at first so I understand that you may feel shocked. I think in time you'll be able to accept who you are and if you do more research it might help too. Good luck
The dictionary definition of "gay" is "men who have sex with men". Whether you want to think of yourself as gay, or describe yourself to others as gay, if you "just want to have sex with men", then you are identifying yourself as what is labelled "gay", whether you want to announce and attach that label to yourself or not. At some point you will begin to accept that there is nothing wrong about your being gay, and will probably come out to the people it is important to you to understand who you are, even if you don't like what you are imagining other people will feel about you or how they will treat you. Then it will not be a big deal to you any more.
I'm over six feet tall, and over 200 lbs. I've got a pretty deep voice. I wear T-shirts and jeans about 360 days out of the year. I listen to rock music most of the time. I have season tickets to contact sports. I also dig guys. This makes me gay. I sort of went through the same phase you are in - where I felt I wasn't GAY. You know, because that means I'm girly and like fashion and whatever else. I was just a "guy who digs other guys". But that doesn't make me "not gay". It just means I'm a gay guy who doesn't fit several of the stereotypes. Harvey Fierstein gave a good talk about Gay Pride Parades, which can be stretched to cover real life, as well. He said "If your complaint about the parade is that nobody in the parade looks like you, the right move is to jump into it, so you can be represented too." And that's what I did. I came out as gay. Some people were surprised. But nobody felt I was wrong, and nobody started thinking I was suddenly "different" than what they knew of me before. Do strangers sometimes "think things" when they find out I'm gay? Probably. But so what? Either they'll get to know me and find out what I'm really like, or they won't, and therefore they don't matter in the slightest. Lex
You double posted your board! http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/172530-i-am-not-gay-i-just-like-men.html
This sounds like exactly what I was going through 6-7 years ago around your age. I don't feel like typing multiple paragraphs here, but feel free to look through some of my past posts where I explain this process. But in a nutshell: I think part of what took me so long to realize (and then come to terms with the fact) that I was gay is that "gay culture" never really spoke to me. The things that are stereotypically associated with being gay (being into fashion, liking pop music, wanting to dancing, acting a certain way) never spoke to me. "I can't be gay, I don't have a lisp or do my hair!" I finally realized that the only thing that makes you gay if you are is being attracted to the same gender. That's it. That and I think my attractions changed slightly as I got older. It happens. As you mature you start to think different and use different parts of your brain. Anyways, take heed from what others in this thread (and elsewhere on this forum) have said. We've all been confused at one point or another. If you need additional help, don't hesitate to ask.
Thank you all for the taking the time to respond! It means a lot to me. This is my first time talking about this with anyone, and I’m glad there is a platform like this one where I can do so. Chip: You are right. I am going through a loss of identity, but I am still struggling to wrap my head around it. It’s hard to accept that you are not who you thought you were; that your notion of the future might look different than before; and that now your past might not be the same. Because in a way you are not just taking on a new future, but you are also creating a new past. I have thought about what my life would look like if I suppress these feelings, and I’m just afraid of marrying a girl, having kids and then still having feelings towards guys. HunGuy, woahthatsboring, and Yossarian: I understand what you are saying. I just have not yet accepted, and thus have not gotten used to, identifying myself as gay. LiquidSwords, Lexington, and guitar: Thanks for sharing. It is comforting to know and hear from those who have gone through a similar phase. Like guitar, that “gay culture” never spoke to me either. I will look through your previous threads, guitar. Astral: Thanks for letting me know, I just realized! It was my first post and I didn’t realize my post had to be approved before it showed on the forum, so I submitted it again when I did not see it posted. It was not until the second time I submitted that I saw the message saying it had to be approved… I was hoping only the first one would get approved since they were both the same post, but they approved both. I will reply to you here. I actually thought about the possibility of being bisexual, but I think that I would almost always choose a guy over a girl if looks and personalities were similar. Thanks for your input Astral! It’s good to know I have someone to turn to (*hug*)
Take it from someone who at your age didn't want to face what you are facing now. The result? Twenty years of hard marriage, the kids (I don't regret the kids, but what a price to pay!), the works. You are absolutely correct in fearing that this could happen, these feelings don't go away, in fact, as you get older, your defences start to crumble, and it gets even more difficult to ignore them. Fear it: marriage to a woman, when gay, is a nightmare.
