I think i just need to let this out. I don't know, maybe i'll just delete this entire thing when i'm done...we'll see... Ok so i have the horrible tendancy to have crushes on stright guys when i pretty much know that i have no chance in the world with them. I can usually deal with it and the crushes don't last too long. They're always freinds (aquaintance's more like ) although not close friends so i've been able to distance myself from them so i can move on...but this...this is somehow...different I think...i might be crushing on my best friend. Now you're asking "Think? What do you mean you think. Either you are or you aren't." But that's the whole thing. I really don't know. I mean, i don't know if it's crushing, or influence from movies and the whole thought of romantically falling in love with your close friend, or just wanting to have a closer friendship. I'm really not sure about my feelings towards him. And i know that's the first thing i need to figure out but i am completely...i just have no idea. Part of me wants to be in love with him and part of me knows that that's a horrible idea. I mean, say he doesn't feel the same, this might ruin our friendship which i cherish deeply. I don't want to lose that. How do i feel toward him? Well, lets give you a bit of background information first. I've been doing judo for 9 years almost a decade now. That means i've been at it for over half of my entire life. And i remember the first friend i ever made was this friend. He has been my best friend since i was 8 which is pretty darn long. We're practically like brothers and have been called so/mistaken for such multiple times. We're alike in a lot of ways (not wishfull thinking or joking) actually. Like me, he's a bit shy and quiet untill he gets to know you. He is very down-to-earth, and is one of the nicest people you'll ever meet, even to his own sister (which suprisingly is rare since siblings i've seen usually fight and squabble). I don't know how else to describe him. He's fun, funny, and...simple? NOT simple minded but like he doesn't need a lot of things like a computer or a myspace or an ipod or a cool phone to be happy. I envy him for that. Anyway, right now i know i love him as a friend. But the problem is when does it become more than that. Ever since i accepted my sexuality, he's always been in the back of my mind. But it was always "Nah, we're like brothers. We're just friends..." What changed? I'm not sure. Maybe since i've been spending more time with him over the Winter break, i've been noticing him more and more. Now it's not just in the back anymore. Now...i want to be closer to him. Maybe closer than "just friends." More so, now...i'm getting jealous Everytime, during practice, when he spends time talking story with another guy friend, i get kinda jealous that he's not spending time with me. And if not jealous, then sad because it's a motion against him liking me too. I know, it's really childish and immature to be so...territorial (right word for it?) But i just can't help it. And that's the bad part about this. I can't just push him aside like all my other crushes. I can't just forget. He already means so much to me. I have a feeling that forgetting about him will involve pushing him away to the point were he won't be my best friend anymore. And heck no i will not talk to him about this. I am deep in the closet to everyone (except people from this site of course) so telling him would be a double whammy. I'm just not ready to come out to him much less tell him i have feelings for him. Sadly i don't know how he'll take me coming out. I imagine he'll probably be ok with it, but low self-esteem and paranoia keep me scared. So if he's barely ok with me out, i don't think telling him about the other thing would be any better. But another thing is, i'm not completely sure about his sexuality, although i'm pretty sure he's straight and it's just the hope talking. Not that he acts or looks "gay", not at all. But if you look at me, neither do i. He does like to watch football (which i don't) but other than that he doesn't act any "straight-er" than me. Whats going for me: he's never criticized anyone for being gay, acting gay, not even a "that's so gay"; he's never had a girlfriend or ever told me he liked any girl; he doesn't talk about girls (has never in our long friendship ever mentioned how attractive a particular girl is); heck our conversations don't even go like how boys' conversations usually do (girls, sex, the bathroom), we usually talk about random stuff or our problems; he's not one to be touchy-feely but he has rested his head on my shoulder before (no not just once, and of course i did not complain ;D ) Of course i am skeptical...of..myself and it could be that we're best friends. He's comfortable being close to me and around me all the time and doesn't have to prove his manlyness to me. It is probably exactly that. And so untill a miracle happens and he comes out to me or something i don't think i will tell him. Anyway, i'm pretty sure i'm crushing on him atleast just a little. I don't know if he's gay or bi or anything and i'm not about to ask or find out anytime soon. So i think i will just try and be closer to him. If anything a closer friend. It's not like i'm completely in-love with him and can't stand not being with him so if a closer friendship is al i get, i'll take it. Sorry, this is one of the longest post i have ever done. If you've stayed with my jumble of rambling, i thank you. I think i just needed to get it out. Hope i didn't waste a lot of your time :/
That was 4 minutes of my life that I'll never get back! Well it was worth it, I can completely relate to your story. I suppose it's natural to develop feelings for your friends (I know I have a few times), there's that confusing boundary between friends and something closer, like a brother. The thing to remember is your shared history, the fact that you are such good friends. Would you want to lose that if you told him how you feel? It is a confusing time, and all I can say is just go with it. The occasional 'what if' might enter your mind, and that's fine, just as long as it doesn't cloud how things actually are between the two of you. You never know, he may feel the same way about you, but for the moment, especially as you're not ready to come out to him, I'd just take things slowly and enjoy the friendship for what it is. Be careful though. My first crush was my best friend, and I ended up pushing him away because I had feelings for him, and we're no longer friends and he probably thinks I'm an a***hole, so try not to let these feelings interfere with the friendship (i know that's easier said than done.) Here's the EC guide to dealing with crushes, I hope it helps. http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out/dealing-with-crushes.php
It was a very well written and paragraphed post, so I have to commend you on that I feel for you, and I think I understand all the emotional tension inside you, with not knowing if he's gay or not, if you have a crush on him. First, it's good that you're being realistic and ready to accept only a good friendship. Now... you mention you're deep in the closet. I understand coming out directly to him would be a huge and difficult step, and so it's probably not the best thing to do now. However, I would really recommend that you come out to a few real-life friends that you trust. It feels really good And it would make telling (eventually) your friend much easier. A single whammy, if you will Is he gay or not? Sadly, if you don't do anything about it, you probably won't know. I know it's a horrible feeling to not know (I've had crushes too, eh?) and that's why you should work towards telling him (by coming out to others, as I say above). From what you say, it really good go either way. There's not definite sign "Oh, he's gay!" or "Oh, he's not!". At least there's a possibility, and I'm afraid the only way you'll find out is by coming out to him. When you're ready, of course. Hope this helps... good luck (*hug*)
