Dealing with Crushes by Martin

The majority of us have had a crush on somebody at some stage in our life. Some are lucky enough to be with their first crush forever while others are condemned to feeling lonely and upset. If you’re reading this and expecting a miracle guide to get over your crush then I'm afraid you may be disappointed. I have created this in hope of giving you tips, but overall you will know how to handle things better than anybody. There is no guaranteed way of getting over somebody no matter how many guides you read, and due to everybody being different these guides often do the opposite of the desired effect. You have to put the effort in yourself.


First I’ll cover the 3 stages of a crush that I created for myself. This allows me to know how far into a crush I am.

Stage 1: Introduction
When you first notice a crush you are instantly drawn to them. They give off some vibe that you find attractive and it makes you immediately want to know more about them. If you’re shy and don’t approach them you’ll probably be thinking of ways that you can get their attention, whereas if you’re confident enough to communicate with them you’ll possibly find out more about them.

It is at this point that your feelings for this person can go off in two different ways. If you have not spoke to them you may just simply forget about them and think they are “fit” or whatever. You may have spoke and realised that they are not really the ideal person you want to spend your life with. If this is the case then conjubulations, you have avoided it early enough before anybody could get hurt. Sadly not everybody is that lucky and their feelings grow more and more. You may find yourself daydreaming about this person and imagining what it would be like to be with them.

Stage 2: Control
Now that you are infatuated with this person you may feel like you’re on cloud 9, you may feel so low that hell is higher than you or maybe you're swapping from one to another like a yo-yo. It’s important now that you don’t make any sudden decisions. You will not be thinking rationally and either everything is feeling great or everything feels bad. Either way it’s not really like that.

This stage is all about losing control of your emotions. You do have control over your emotions, but we often lack the strength to control that. You can lie to everybody around you about liking people, but you cannot lie to your own mind. There is no going back from this stage now. You can’t go back to stage 1 or simply get over them, but you can accept your feelings and move to stage 3. If you want to lie about liking somebody then you will only be kidding yourself for so long, but you won't make any progress by doing this. Accepting you like this person is very important here.

Stage 3: Recovery
I consider this the worst of the three stages, but the best for helping you long-term. People say that time heals wounds, I don't believe it does. It simply covers them up from view and allows you to carry on. The only reason I have ever got over a crush is because my emotions got so drained that I couldn’t put effort into thinking about them. When they do start to ease you may notice that they fade and will never appear again, but sometimes these feelings appear once again in full force. This is the part you need to find ways to help tackle them rather than ignore them.

It is very common at this stage for irrational thoughts to bubble to the surface. These may include wishing that you were not alive, wishing you were never born or wishing you were/weren't different. It’s a perfectly normal thought, and although they are very extreme it’s something many of us have thought at some point in our lives. Nobody is worth dying for, and if you think you’re making a point by doing it then you’re acting selfish. Everybody has these problems and finds a way to cope with them, so will you. The amount of people you will hurt by doing something irrational is so much higher than you think. If you aren't feeling like this then excellent, but for those who are I strongly suggest you take a note of the above.

Tips for dealing with crushes:
It is now time for me to suggest a few tips for you to help with your crushes. I can't guarantee they will work for you, but I have seen them work before. You must want to recover and be prepared to put in the effort if you are to have a chance in doing so.

1) One way is to occupy yourself. You’re not going to be the life of a party for obvious reasons, but if you want to sit around thinking about a certain somebody all day then you’re going to drive yourself insane. It may not work straight away, but make sure you’re doing something each and every day so that your mind can wander elsewhere. This person will still probably be in the back of your mind but hopefully the time dedicated to thinking about them will decrease and as a result your emotions should decrease.

2) Another way is to meet new people. The more people you meet the higher chance you have of possibly running into your life partner. They really could be anywhere and you’re not going to find them if you cut yourself off from the whole world. Picture your crush as being glass and your emotion is the water inside. The glass is full because that is the only person you know and like, but if you meet other people you like then you’re bringing more glasses into the equation. These glasses then require water so as a result the original glass loses water to give some to the others. This represents your feelings for your original crush being reduced because of new feelings for other people. Eventually a glass is going to run out of water and is going to be evicted from the equation, and fingers crossed that it will be the person that you cannot be with. If you are lucky then you’ll be left with somebody who wants to be with you.

3) My final suggestion is to reduce communication with your crush or forget them altogether. This can be the most difficult one to do and can hurt your emotions quite a bit at first, but in the long run it probably helps you. It may be the hardest thing you ever do in life, but it’s recommended for your own sanity and health. There will be other times when certain circumstances forces this to occur against your will, and as a result you can become distressed. You just need to allow yourself to recover and find ways to distract yourself from thinking about recent events. I have had to do it before and it made me feel awful for a short while, but I am now over that crush and able to get on with my life. If I had not have done this then I could still be obsessing over him and feeling rejected. I may have even done something stupid. Who knows? It’s not nice, it hurts, but it may have to be done. Please also remember that you have to think about other people when doing this. You are the priority, but it’s no excuse to make other people suffer for your own problems.

Things to avoid:
I have heard numerous ways about dealing with crushes that make me laugh and cringe. I'm not going to say that they don't work 100% but I would like you to be aware of why I consider them setbacks in the recovery process.

“Time heals wounds”.
I honestly do not think it does. You learn to cope with upsetting things in your life and find ways to move on so that life carries on. If you come out stronger then it's because you're not letting yourself go back to the way you previously were, and that is nothing more than recovering from it. If you were healed from past circumstances then you wouldn't need to come out of the other side stronger. If you’re over a crush it’s unlikely to do with time. There will be plenty of other factors in it, such as maybe somebody else you like, your emotions towards that person becoming drained and not starting back up, or maybe you simply lost interest. If this is the case then it’s not time that should be getting the credit, it’s you.

“It gives you self-esteem issues”.
Very true, but simply meaningless. Yes, being rejected is horrible and makes you think that there is something about you that your crush does not like, but think of it from my point of view. There are people who will have feelings for you that you don’t feel the same way back for. They aren’t ugly and may have a great personality, but you just simply aren’t attracted to them. You have no control over who you’re attracted to any more than your crush does. You can blame yourself as much as you want but does it change anything? No. If you are truly unhappy with yourself then rather than sit around moaning about it go and change that. If you don’t know how then it’s because you aren’t unhappy. You’re just upset you don’t appeal to a person you like. If that’s the case then it’s their loss.

“Focus on the negatives”.
I have heard this so many times. People will tell you to focus on the negative aspects of your crush. Now, nobody is perfect. Unless they have done something really spiteful to hurt you then I don't understand why we should judge somebody based on parts we consider “not perfect”? I know you want to get over them, but if you do this by trying to believe that they have bad qualities then you're not respecting that person. You wouldn’t like me analysing your negative qualities so avoid doing the same to somebody else. You need to focus on the facts rather than the negatives. If they're heterosexual and you're homosexual then for obvious reasons it is not going to work, but something like "they have silly hair" is not acceptable. We're all insecure at times and have parts of us that arent perfect. Treat others how you wish to be treated.

Conclusion:
I cannot guarantee this will work or appeal to you. I didn’t write it in the hope of discovering a miracle cure. I just want to show people that you have to help yourself to get over your feelings and suggest ways that have helped me based on personal experience. Whether feelings become dormant or vanish altogether, it’s the way it is meant to be. Just don’t do anything stupid and hurt everybody around you. It’s not their fault.

I would like to add that you should not treat your crush badly at any time. Unless they have done something spiteful to you then there is no reason they should have to suffer from this. Not liking you is not enough to get them involved in this upsetting mess. I have seen people blame them for these feelings and made them feel crappy, but it is not their fault they are not attracted to you and cannot be with you. If you turn somebody down then it’s not your fault you cannot like them, just like it’s not your crushes fault they cannot like you.

Finally, If you do need to turn down somebody then do it gently and easily. Just remember what you have been through and how they’re about to go through the same. How you react really does matter, and you can make it so much easier for them.

Good luck with it all. Just remember to stay strong and concentrate on getting through it. If you are determined and willing then you will find somebody.