Hi so I've made a post before on how my Christian parents can't stand anything LGBT related, but don't actively oppose it either considering they like individuals that are gay, but not the acts they perform. I was wondering if anyone can provide any good responses so when I do feel ready to be come out, I can be prepared. This may be useful to others too. Things like: Them: "How do you know you're gay?" Me: "How do you know you're straight?" Or Them: "That's disgusting" Me: ??? I want to make sure I've got every possible question or reaction they could throw at me covered. Probably the main one I'm concerned about is "How am I going to have grandchildren now?". That question terrifies me. Also since my post I've 'come out' to one of the wellbeing team at my university and she is helping me with some general anxiety issues. She was great and was like "that's perfectly normal" but it wasn't really the university I was afraid of coming out to. I'd really appreciate some help. Any advice is welcome.
When I came out to my parents and they asked me how I knew I was a lesbian, I told them the deep feelings that I've had that I've never really shared with anyone. I told them about how every relationship with a guy, even my engagement, there was no emotional connection. I liked the guys I dated, but nothing more than a friend. To the point of breaking up and I would set them up with my friends that I thought they would be compatible with. Like they were my best friends. There was no emotional connection, no sexual connection, nothing beyond hanging out and being friends. Since I've started dating my girlfriend, I've felt so much different. Happier with myself. I actually want to put her and our relationship ahead of my own feelings. I explained to them that it's not just an attraction to the female body. It's a deeper connection that has lacked with every guy. To the point of I had driven myself into depression and was just sleeping around and trying to find the thing I was "missing" to make it work with a man. I was putting myself in danger by the things I was doing. I didn't want to try to force things like that any more and in order for me to slowly climb my way out of depression and suicidal thoughts, I had to accept myself.
Hi Taken, thanks for your reply. It's great that you've had multiple partners (male and female) and were able to justify your sexuality based on those. But unfortunately I don't have that luxury and that will probably raise more questions to answer like "How do you know your gay if you've never dated a guy?" Or "You're probably just confused". No doubt my parents will be asking these, if they're not too busy being angry, that is.
As far as children there is always adoption or you could go the surrogate route. Ill tell you something about adoption though. When you adopt a kid that kid becomes yours with every ounce of your soul. I don't love my daughter any less because she is not my blood. I love her with every ounce of my being. And you will too. Stop thinking you can't have a family...you can. All of my gay male friends that are married have kids now....all of them.
Thanks for the advice. I'm not entirely sure I want children either but maybe I'll change my mind in the future so that will be really helpful. Anyone have any ideas for anything else?
'That's disgusting' is one of those things that's really hard to respond to. I would probably just go with: "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "regardless of how you feel about it, this is who I am and it's not something I can change" Other things parents could throw out: Parents: We just want you to be happy Response: I can't be happy trying to live as someone I'm not Parents: We just don't understand Response: You don't need to understand, you just need to love and accept me unconditionally In general though, you can never really predict how people are going to react to you coming out. It's probably impossible to prepare for every potential outcome, and in the heat of the moment you may forget some of the witty responses you had lined up. I think the best approach would probably be to be honest, and unapologetic. And also accept that if they have a negative reaction, it's likely that nothing you say will really get through to them. Time may be the only thing that will help them start accepting you. I don't know what your situation is, but if you can it may help you to test the waters being out to people who aren't family. Personally, I found that much easier because the stakes are lower if they reject you, and I also knew that my peers in university were likely to be far more accepting than my Catholic parents. Even that wasn't easy, but now I feel a lot more confident in my sexuality and a lot more comfortable with the idea of being out, and the idea of coming out to my parents is marginally less scary. I actually feel somewhat equipped to deal with questions like the ones you're asking about, whereas I would not have felt like that before. I also live halfway across the country from my parents, so it was fairly easy for me to be out to people without being accidentally outed to them. It may be a lot harder to do if you still live with your parents.
Hi stranger, thanks for your response I really appreciate it. It's true that I have no idea how my parents are going to react. They're christian (but rarely go to church) and believe that marriage is between a man and a woman. They frequently tell me how 'wrong' it is whenever they get the opportunity, despite liking celebrities that are gay. Both have actually asked me if I was gay in a derogatory way to which I quickly denied. I know they accepted my answer because they have plans for me in the summer to go out with my brother to 'find a girlfriend'. It's also that I'm shy and introverted that they don't think anything of me not wanting to talk about 'hot girls'. It doesn't help that there's not a single family member that's even hinted af being LGBT. I have no close friends because during my time at school I withdrew in fear of anyone finding out about my sexuality. This made my 'friends' drop me like a fly the moment the two halves of the year group merged, and were able to make new friends. I didn't find anyone I could relate to, though. This shy me then became a part of my personality (it wasn't before) until university where I'm trying to find myself again. It's strange because I feel like I can talk to most people in my university group but none of them are really my friends. Although maybe I'm just scared of being close to anyone in-case they reject me again. I do have a crush on one of the straight people in my lecture class but he's always with at least two other girls and difficult to get him alone. It doesn't help that we only have one more lecture to go to before university ends. I more or less have given up on that pipe dream for both of our sakes. And that's the other thing. When university is over, I'll be stuck at home with just my parents and brother (I do still live with them). And closeted. And it's making me feel really anxious. We're super close as a family and live in a beautiful home but the secret is just weighing me down. And I just don't want to be a disappointment to them. I guess I have tested the waters by coming out to one lady in the wellbeing team and it went perfectly, but the university is so LGBT friendly in general that it's probably not that much of an achievement. It's not them I'm scared of, it's how my family will react. :/
Them: What about grandchildren? You: I don't want any anyway/what if I was dating an infertile girl? Them: How do you know you're gay when you haven't dated a girl? You: How do you know you're straight when you haven't dated a girl/guy? Them: Being gay is a choice. You: Why would I purposely go out of my way to upset you? Why would I make myself shy and isolated? Don't you think if there was some way to fit in, I would've done it? -OR- You: When did you choose to become hetreosexual? Are your family really not that accepting? It just seems odd with you living in England... Keep us updated! All the best, Shadd
Hi Shadd, I appeciate it. That's helpful, thanks. We live in the countryside. People in the countryside generally take longer to adapt due to being isolated (in a way) from the progressiveness of the cities. I.e they're more 'traditional' than your average city walker. They are nice people yes and generally accepting of all kinds of people, but the concept of a gay person is foreign to them. They've literally never met anyone they've known to be gay in real life. But this is the extended version: If you don't want to read it that's fine. Hopefully it's okay to post links back to this website: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/209262-should-i-tell-my-parents.html
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NarI0URhWg0 Also do some research into all the slavory verses in the bible and all the sexist verses. Maybe even the Leviticus one where he says don't cut your hair... The video supplies really great ideas...
Hey SillyGoose, thanks for the response. The video was great. Unfortunately it's not me that needs to watch it, though. And I feel getting them to watch it would feel like an insult to them. We're all stubborn and we know not to challenge someone's beliefs unless it directly concerns us. Otherwise it ends up in a long arguement nobody wins, and everyone loses. But it does provide some good ideas, thanks. I've been thinking about a new idea myself, actually. Because my mum for whatever reason seems to be increasingly sick of people 'lying' to her (she gets these obsessions and doesn't drop them), I've come up with a way I could put partial 'responsibility' (I don't know if that's the right word) onto her. So basically I would say "Remember you said you don't like people lying to you? Would you rather someone tell you a secret that they've known for 10 years that will break your heart, or would you rather they keep it to themselves and continue to lie?" If she says she'd rather know, she's effectively taking the situation into her hands and embracing it, with the understanding that she made the decision without it being 'forced' onto her. So telling her would be a little less of a shock. If she'd rather it be a secret, well I'd be stuffed. Anyone think this would help or am I overthinking it?
Regarding grandchildren... Adoption and surrogacy is a thing. There are plenty of straight couples who can't conceive My favorite is "so which one of you is the girl?" "We're both guys, that's kinda the point"
I'm not much help with witty responses. But as for the grandchildren question, I'm married to a man and we have a 4 month old daughter. We used a surrogate, which was a long, involved, expensive process...but So worth it. We had looked into adoption, but the wait seemed very long. Although foreign adoptions may take less time. But our daughter is my biological child, and she's amazing! Being gay doesn't mean that you can't deliver grandchildren lol.
Thanks for the help guys. I really appreciate it. I feel better now on the topic of children. The only thing left to do is telling them. But like I said in the other topic, I'm just scared they will react negatively, which they will anyway, it's just the extent of how badly they'll take the news. I do suffer from anxiety as it is, but the thought of telling them just makes me more anxious. And I'm considering coming out soon because I still have the university support for a few more weeks - but that will end very soon. Otherwise I may have to wait a long time. And that will force me to retain part of my anxiety and depression. But I would also be safe in a loving environment. The dilemma. :/
I don't mean to come off as cold or anything, but if you know they'll react negativley, try and prepare yourself for that. Maybe try to get out of the house for a while or something and let them digest what you just told them. Also, just a suggestion, you could show them this thread after telling them, so they could see how much it took for you to tell them. Maybe it might pull on the heart strings and realise that you were very nervous about this. Your idea about putting responsibility on your mum a little seems pretty good too. Good luck!
